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Curious - when and if you moved in with your partner, how soon did they start to dysregulate and break up, especially if they were experiencing other stresses in their life?

I never moved in with my exBPD but she did a good job of hiding crazy for the first month out of three we were together. As we had a long distance relationship, she did an especially good job of holding it together until our first physical encounter.

The idealization for me stopped shortly after she moved in. I saw anger that was out of proportion. She was also pregnant with our first child and she was likely struggling with her emotions.

Did you live with yours Hawk Ridge?

We only lived together on weekends and vacations.  She got worse when i was with her during vacations due to the extended time together I think.  Still a little baffling.

In retrospect I realize now that the idealization stopped shortly after I talked about him moving in with me. Actually my ex BF had been the one talking about living together and even marriage in the first 2 months of the r/s but I was not ready and thought it was too soon and told him we should take things slow and see how it goes. In fact, he was at my place full time event though he still had his apartement, from the second month through the tenth month into the r/s, gradually brought all his clothes and lots of his stuff to my house. Then I casually said one night maybe you should move in for real... .things started changing not long after that.

"I never moved in with my exBPD but she did a good job of hiding crazy for the first month out of three we were together. As we had a long distance relationship, she did an especially good job of holding it together until our first physical encounter."

That's my story. Being physically together triggered her engulfment; as a result, the relationship went into a recycle every time we were together. Because of her disorder, the relationship was constantly in disrepair.

We moved in together in June of 2013. By July she had already started criticizing me in out-of-proportion ways, and without any real warning or honest discussion.

At the time I thought it was just the adjustment period after moving in, but I remember one particular episode where she just went nuts on me for not cleaning an equal amount as her, even though I was working 40 hour weeks, taking 2 classes to finish my degree, and doing a heck of a lot of other things around the house (cooking, cleaning, finding us a roommate, being her emotional caretaker, providing her with tons of social opportunities, etc.).

Did something similar happen to you, Hawk Ridge?

I never lived with mine (thank god).

Ironically, at her birthday party last month a good friend's wife pulled me aside and said, "You aren't moving in together are you?" I said "No" and she said "Good" kissed my cheek and walked away.

Friends could obviously see things I was blocking out.

I noticed changes very quickly into the relationship. The 1st month was a "sex fest" and her idealizing me like crazy... .after that sex was not the same. I would say we had sex a handful of times the past two years. She started raging in the early fall and we really started dating in August so about 2.5-3mo in I knew something was wrong.

Because this was my 1st same sex relationship nobody knew I was dating her which made it worse when she would cut me off.  I was very co-dependent. She would get mad over the smallest thing. I would try to reason, which you can't in circular arguments... .and she would change her phone number.

What I did not realize is this was conditioning me never to abandon her even though she was abandoning me.

You can't EVER abandon a borderline. They won't allow it, not one bit.

Now, a week before vacation she has dumped me for another and they are already in the "sex fest" stage. I think I withdrew sexually because I was protecting me. I could never trust her fully after all the breakups and leaving me for exes.

Valet, you mentioned classes and Hawk Ridge, you mentioned vacations. Both were huge triggers for my ex. She once told me early on any time an ex was in grad school their relationship took a nose dive (probably due to the fact they were getting less attention).

I personally with vacations dealt with anytime we went anywhere, even out of town for the weekend she would dump me. She'd pick a huge fight, triangulate with another person and dump me.

Come back around 39 days later like clockwork.

I never moved in with my exBPD but all the problems started after 3 weeks. I'm glad it's over and I don't have to see or hear her anymore. Thank God she isn't a part of my life anymore.

Weird. Mine was at her best whenever we went away as I think she equated it with her running away fantasy - so was in her element. 

Maybe I need to raise a thread on this as there doesn't seem to be a consistent pattern here?