BPDFamily.com

On our 2nd date, after our first kissing session, she said "I hope I don't push you away".

I couldn't grasp what she was saying until after the r/s ended 3yr later.


Has anyone experienced this kind of direct "warning" from your BPD-SO?  If so, why would s/he say this if they know it leads to bad endings?

Mine said she believed she had a black soul... .

Our r/s was rathet short (4 months) but I did hear:

-Often, I don't even know who I am

-I am a mentally ill person and they (family) should treat me like one

-The depression is always present, it's like static noises on the radio

-You're going to hell, and I'll meet you there. I'll be sitting on the throne of Satan.

Other red flags were present but I chose to ignore.

Classical:

"If you still have the chance to run do it. In the end I will destroy you." This was not meant in a threatening way. She cried and said this. That she didn't want to destroy me.

After our break-up she said (I guess this was when I wasn't painted the blackest of black and she still had some positive feelings for me) "I hope one day you can hate me for all I've done to you."

I would make plans a few months ahead for vacation and my ex would say "If we are still together that would be great". It's amazing what we will ignore while still in the fog.

For about 6 monts I would say (3-9 months into the relationship) a couple of nights a week he would look into my eyes and tell me how lucky he was to have me and he would regret losing me. The fact he would say it so much out of nowhere showed his fear of abandonment but stupid me ignored it 

He also told me before that he has been dumped by all of his exs and people usually get bored of him after a few months. He warned me it was only a matter of time before I get bored of him. He said he KNEW that it would happen.

In the dating period he told me I probably wouldn't enjoy being his girlfriend as I would probably feel strangled (not sure what he meant by this)

Somewhere around the fourth month of marriage, she mentioned things like "if I were you, I would have left me already"... .

Now at the 2.5 year mark were hammering out the divorce settlement.

Gomez

Mine did the exact opposite... .she sold herself on me as a single mother who was carefree, drama free and just wanted to settle down and enjoy life... .what i got was the exact opposite which bleed out over time... .she had zero sense of self.

His Grandfather had an affair,(after 30 years of marriage) grandmother died of a broken heart, and before she was cold, grandfather married his mistress.

His Father had an affair (after 25 years of marriage), divorced his mother, left her w/ no job skills, no home, nada. Married his mistress (10 years younger than himself)

My ex had at least 1 affair, but I suspect many, divorced me after 25 years of marriage... .however my ending will not be like the other 'women' in this family!

His Grandfather, Father and Brother (and now I can see, him too) were brutally selfish, so puffed up with pride and arrogance, and verbally abusive. All 4 have deep seated anger issues.

His father, mother, brother all thought porn (hard core) was ok. I found out the hard way, my ex did too.

The ex rolled his eyes at me, dismissed my thoughts and opinions as stupid, and administered the silent treatment every time he didn't get his way... .it only grew worse and more intense as the years went on.

So it really wasn't what he SAID... .

I was so young, and didn't see the signs in him and his family.

I just thought they were 'messed up' and I could 'love' him enough that he would not follow in their footsteps.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

My Prayers is that this generational curse STOPS w/ my son, because my exBIL's boy is just like the rest of the men in the family... .

He told me that he was pretty convinced he had a personality disorder.

He gave me a printout of three different ones. Histrionic, Borderline, and Narcissistic.

I was like... nah... I'm in LOVE WITH YOU.

There's nothing wrong with you.

True story.

4 months later I had a moment of enlightenment.

red-flag    red-flag

Holy Crap! That's the Red Flag of all Red Flags. Joseph Stalin Worthy!

red-flag  

The stuff we ALL overlooked!

MWC... .*)

Mine said early on (maybe first month or two) that she would run away from me, but I should chase after her and she would always come back. I didn't really understNd what that meant and just said "ok".  That was the beginning of exhausting push/pull. I would never take that kind of statement with a simple "ok", but rather would ask what that means. Hard lesson learned!

Yes!  Mine kept saying he would always let me down and I ignored his warning! 

Yes, same thing here!

So, in general we could say that they realize something is wrong with them, since their lives is always full of drama and/or dramatic events; indeed, from this stems their typical thoughts based on shame, bad self-esteem, etc.

However, they usually have not enough self-awareness to understand that the dynamics behind their behaviours are quite wrong - even if many of them are very clever! And, even if they have enough self-awareness, they lack the strenght to accept they need some sort of therapy.

In the end, all of this leads to a generalized incapacity in stopping the never-ending BPD cycle.

WOW, looking back on it... .definitely. She kept trying to self-destruct the relationship whether intentionally or unintentionally. She did try to "mirror" my desire for a calm, drama-free relationship but that BS.

The only time she came close to telling me anything truthful was when I mentioned that she has a lot of "odd" things and drama that happen in her life. She told me very quietly, "welcome to my world".

Like others, I blew off the red flags which there where many. mazing what you are willing to over-look for the possibility of love and companionship.

To answer the question, yes.  Almost immediately.

But it was something I didn't grasp not only because of the intense infatuation she gave me, but because I was her first boyfriend.  She was 20.  I was 27 and had been in numerous relationships.  She told me early on that she couldn't believe someone actually liked her.  A common phrase she used was "I am so glad this is happening."  I found that kind of odd, but again, she acted as if the sun shined out of my rear end, so I rolled with it.

About a month in, she told me I would eventually figure out she was crazy and not want to be with her anymore - meaning neurotic and Debbie Downer, not legit crazy.  Again, because I was her first, I took it as nervous inexperience and self doubt about being in a relationship for the first time.  She told me she constantly worried about almost everything, hated her body, hated where she lived (with her mom) and just wanted to move away and it would all be better.  I was the very definition of a rescuer, because she wanted to move in with me immediately, and we did, four months after we started dating (we were approved for the apartment after 2 but had to wait).

I look back on it now and realize it was the BPD, even during the infatuation phase.  Her push away projection was always that she wanted things to change for herself, and I wouldn't/couldn't go with her, so we had to break up.  Funny, she would then replace me with someone even MORE stuck here in our current city than I am.  It was never about her "reasons."  It was a projection because of engulfment.

- After two months she told me I want to tell you something but promise me you won't get mad or laugh? I told her no just say what you want. She told me that she loves me. Couple weeks later she became very sweet and I told her I love her too she told me don't say that because you're going to get hurt.

- She told me when she's upset she's going to cut herself.

- She told me that she kept all items which reminds her to her previous relationships.

- Once when be had a fight she told me that she didn't cheat, while I didn't even asked about it.

- Once she told me that she doesn't know who she is and that she's upset and she doesn't know why, she told me that she doesn't recognize herself.

- She told me that she dumped her exBF just for me. She also told me that she couldn't shut up about me, she drove him crazy by talking the entire day about me. She also showed him my facebook pics and updates.

- She told all her friends about me after our second date, she even wanted me to meet them and go with her to the bar were she hangs around.

- Later when all the craziness started I told her that she's acting weird then she always replied with I don't want to talk about it. In the last SMS I send her I told her that I know she's a pwBPD. I guess she's very upset now.

I already moved on, I met an another girl and I'm so happy that my exBPD is completely out of my life.

Sort of: mine told me that she 'sucks at relationships'.

Yeah I was told ALL of this within a week of dating her. I mean, not just one 


I also put myself in this timeline below. But yeah she told me about ALL her exes. In fact, she really wasn't much of an interesting person. All she talked about was exes.

-Got pregnant with older man's baby at 22

-Dates first actual girlfriend #1

-Hangs out with bad crowd ends up with girlfriend #2 leaving girlfriend #1

-Meets girlfriend #3 in a crafting group

-Leaves girlfriend #3 for girlfriend #1

-Leaves girlfriend #1 for girlfriend #4 for who she meets online.

-My ex leaves girlfriend #4 for girlfriend #1.

-Girlfriend #1 and ex move to California.

-Girlfriend #1 and ex break up and girlfriend #1 moves to Michigan, My ex moves in with Girlfriend #4.

-Girlfriend #4 dumps ex because she cheated on her.

-Ex buys a condo and moves in with Girlfriend #5.

-Ex moves back with Girlfriend #4.

-Ex sleeps with Girlfriend #1.

-Girlfriend #4 breaks up with Ex and enters into a 10yr partnership.

-Ex goes on online and meets Cari. They last a week. Ex moves to Texas.

-Ex starts dating Girlfriend #6-After a year, Girlfriend #6 dumps ex.

-Ex starts dating Girlfriend #7 -Ex dates Girlfriend #7 for a year... .fraught with conflict (shocking).

-Ex dumps Girlfriend #7 and meets Girlfriend #8.

-Ex moves back to Tennesee and meets me.

-Ex tells me her ex #8 was a "stalker"

-Ex is talking to #8 one month into our relationship.

-#8 finds girlfriend and moves to New York. Ex starts talking to #4 whose relationship is done.

-Ex rages at me over something really stupid. Scares me. I tell her I don't think we should be together. Ex cries and begs me to stay with her so I recant.

-Ex leaves me for a week because I am unsure of being in this relationship. Blocks my phone number so I can't call her. We cannot communicate at all. She won't even listen to me, Week of Halloween. Comes back to me a week later.

-A day before my friend's party ex picks fight with me. Keeps me on phone for two hours day of party crying and angry at me. I arrive to my friend's house late. This is December. Ex returns two days before Christmas.

-Ex and I go away for NY. On NYD ex dumps me. Ex returns in April.

-Ex's ex #4 comes to town to visit in early July. I meet her. 

-I want to reschedule dinner plans for another day with my ex because something bad happened at work. Ex tells me "this is ridiculous. we are over".   

-Ex ends up making plans to see her Ex#4. Goes from wanting to be friends with me to threatening a restraining order. Tells me she wants no relationship with me, friend or romantic and to not contact her or she will call the police.

-Ex says #4 is her new girlfriend. Returns two months later calling me 50+ times on the way back. I stupidly take her back.

-Due to lack of trust I start seeing ex less and planning more activities with friends. Ex mentions a mutual friend of ours she thinks likes her and would be interested if we were not together. Red flags!. I think my ex needs more friends so I am happy they are hanging out (dumb me).

-Ex#4  starts a new relationship with a woman. Talks to my ex less now that she has been burned... .years later.

-Ex dumps me for new girlfriend # 9 and ceases all communication with me.


Moral of story: Do not get involved with someone who has more problems than you do.

Yes she told me on our first date she should have left her bf a year before I was to hear the same thing when she dumped me

She also told me she never had any intention of staying with him long term and just wanted someone safe and nice and that she did not fancy him after two weeks into a three year r/s

She also sent me the song in the first few weeks/months "babe in gonna leave you " it was one of her faves .

Mine once said "tread carefully Hollande, I can be very cruel.". It was still early days but I should have listened to her.

Mine also said: "If you want to be with me, you'd better fasten your seat belt."  (2yr into the r/s)

WOW, its like that KNOW they are intrinsically damaged/dysfunctional and yet to them its perfectly OK to reveal it and act/think like the r/s can work somehow.  

I want to understand, but I know I never will

I heard it all, for years, and I didn't listen:

o   “I told you I was a bad person.  I told you I would hurt you.”

o   “I am a liar and a bad person.”

o   “Get as far away as possible.”

o   “Forget I ever existed.”

o   “You should run away and never look back.”

o   “I have always been a liar.  I don’t know any other way.”

o   “You deserve better.”

o   “The best thing for you to do is to forget that I ever existed.”

Reading this forum ... .it is just unreal how similar the behavior presents.

Yes my BPDex always described himself as "evil" and prided himself on that.  Really?   Major red flag and yes that's why I walked away two months into it after he started lying and being emotionally abusive (I knew it would just be a matter of time).  So I'm sure he was laughing and enjoying giving me the silent treatment after the BU.  But I'm the one laughing now because the heartbreak is over for me and I would never be with anyone who doesn't have my core values.  I'm now happy again and would never welcome his negativity or evilness into my life again.    :)

Mine said after our first breakup when I kicked her out

"the only certainty in her life was the men in white coats would take her away"

, followed by

* On meeting the first night - I want you to love me

* I will test you

* You are wasting your time with me - you could do so much better

* You have seen me through rose tinted spectacles this is me (after the mask had dropped)

* When I was ill - am I a beneficiary in your will - that was the real eye opener -

Shortly after the last statement she was evicted, as I saw her intentions and method of thinking - 200 days No Contact now and I am so aware - Red Flags show and I am gone

My exBPDgf once mumbled under her breath, early in the relationship: "My boyfriends all leave me... ."

But it didn't register - she had to be joking, as she was the most charming, lovable, sweetest, most strikingly beautiful woman I had ever seen, let alone known and loved. Later, once we were deeply involved and I started realizing there were serious issues, she added:

"I've never been alone, never been outside a relationship for more than a week or so, since I was thirteen."

"I've done a lot of study into BDSM as a healing modality." (Bondage, Domination, Sado-masochism)

"I used to be a stripper too."

She told me she was diagnosed with BPD a year prior we met. Back then I did'nt knew what it was so I asked her If it can make her dangerous "like psychopath". She said no and that was good enough for me. Damn if only I knew what I was getting into 

Mine was brutally honest about what people said about her.

When she ran off to be with her ex (from me) her ex was still partnered. She told me when she showed up on the doorstep the partner (who left for good after that weekend) said: "Are you kidding me? You are getting back with that lying, cheating, thief"?

Also, she told me the same ex's aunt told her "My niece can do much better than you".

She would tell me all this stuff and I would sympathize thinking these people were jerks. She was actually giving me clues what an ahole she really is!

You need to really listen to what they say, esp in the beginning. It actually tends to be honest!

I remind myself fairly often that we live in a culture where a lot of people seem to be interested in singers like Taylor Swift, Fiona Apple, etc.  I know there was a whole slew of pop songs last year with an "I love you but I hate you" theme to the lyrics (my BPD ex loved 'em, posted sound clips of herself singing along to "Black Widow Baby" or whatever on her FB page).  From this vantage point a lot of those songs seem like BPD manifestoes, but the truth is, they have a pretty general popular appeal.  I think in general there is a lot of shaming of women in particular for being emotional or irrational, and as a defensive mechanism a lot of people I know, decide to "own" a certain amount of craziness.  So when my ex gave a few hints and warnings early on, it was easy to ignore, because it seemed to me that other people I know could have said many of the same things ("I'm unloveable" or "In a fight I'll say anything to feel more powerful and in control", etc.).  The degree to which my ex felt these things was extreme, disordered, but the feelings she expressed weren't really all that outlandish.

I certainly was ignorant.  I certainly did see my ex with slightly rose-tinted glasses.  I certainly did ignore some red flags.  But, at the same time, I don't necessarily kick myself for being a trusting person, and one of these reasons I like and need this board is that it lifts my spirits to know there are others out there, surviving the same way.

She told me very early on the following things:

"I'm a nightmare."

"I lie, cheat, and steal."

"Sometimes I feel empty inside."

"I cheated on my boyfriend because he went out with his friends to watch a game."  This was perhaps the only serious boyfriend I heard her talk about. I think that was a veiled warning to me in a way, as in, "if you do this I will cheat on you, too."

She also told me endless stories about herself and all of her former boyfriends.

For the life of me I can't figure out why I stayed.

He said he had issues.  That was one of many warnings. 

I chose to enter the r/s anyway because I clearly had my own unresolved issues.

Before we were romantically involved, I took her on a weekend trip to see my friends. On the way, we were talking, and she stared into the distance and said, "with me, you'll get both heaven and hell." I should have asked her to clarify, but I didn't, thinking I could handle it. People shouldn't have to be "handled" in healthy relationships. Anyway... .

I got neither.

even thought it only repeats many of the threads from before me, i decided to share some of my exes warnings and hints. in my case, i remember that i didn't ignore them, i even took them very serious and they were one of the reasons for me to stay with him - i believed that if i would show him that i am not so easy to push away, that i am not falling for his detaching strategies but could give him space and stability in instead - he would stop pushing: but he didn't. the reasons for their warning comments, i guess, are multifaceted: sometimes they simple want to warn us, sometimes they are scarred of themselves and their feelings (in conscious moments and in case they have the ability for meta reflection), sometimes they put on the identity of a dangerous unpredictable person because they thing they make themselves more attractive and mysterious that way, sometimes they want the other person to feel sorry and stay, it might gain them power over a person cause the other person would think: he/ she is more self-reflective than he/ she actually is and become careless (i am not sure if ive explained that well?), it can also give us the feeling - that this time he/ she is planning on changing something and therefor it makes us stay. generally i think, that there is something very self-centered if not to say narcissist about it, a need to feel special - to create an identity out of self observed behavior - because there is not much more to create an identity from and as many other patters it is a sign for a very unstable self. if we are in love, than we want to fix it, we want them to trust us, which is a good thing - it speaks for our ability to trust in ourselves, in love and the people we meet. i don't believe in "being blinded"  i believe that very often there are healthy reasons for why we are reacting in certain ways - but they are not safe with a disordered partner. i also don't believe that it is contradictory, to at the one hand see whats going on with you, but on the other hand not to be able to change it and then to find ways of blaming others for the failure. i guess we are all to some extend doing it. the people with BPD or npd that we love or loved, can't or refuse to take responsibility for their actions, but that is their thing - and needs to be accepted, but we do always have the choice and i don't think that it is connected to any of the warnings - it is not about: "i have told you so!" it is about to understand our own reasons for why we wanted to be there for them and also to analyze the structures of abusive behavior - since almost all of us here experienced it enough - and for me pre-announcing a push is clearly abusive and the idea is to keep people in a loop - its also a sign for indecisiveness that generates itself from unrealistic, over-romantic ideas of rs or friendships - and it also might relieve some pressure that they feel in social situations - so if you keep a door open, its easier to breath.

here is some of the stuff he told me:

"i am very pessimistic about relationships"

"i don't believe in working in a relationship"

"i am an idiot, that always pushes people away"

"there are many things that are coming with me, that you don't want"

"i am an ass"

"i am allergic to people"

"you can stick around, if you are brave enough"

"you deserve better"

"one day you will hate me"

the last one is a good example, cause i really wanted him to see that i don't hate him. it even sticks to me until today (5 month off) - and sometimes i hope he knows that i don't, but on the other hand i don't even know what his concept of hating is, how he even remembers me or us ... .so, for them all this might even mean something very different than what it means to us - but i am sure it keeps us with them longer.

   

Only upon reflection and having time to sit down and ponder over everything have I had insight into all the glaring red flags that I chose to ignore right at the beginning but MY GOD there were red flags and why I ignored them I will never ever know as long as I live

She told me her name was actually different to what it was for at least a good few weeks of our relationship

Told me she drove a car and had passed her driving test which was a lie

Told me the girl who I had initially been speaking to on an online dating site had killed herself and that she had seen my messages and photos and really wanted to get to know me.

Told me she had been sexually abused by her late father but would never discuss it or would get incredibly angry if it was mentioned.

Since the split WOW that mask certainly did come off! pure disgusting vile evil has been spewed in my direction or by way of sick and twisted mind games. Funny thing is I used to call her my angel all the time haha.

2 main questions that ruminate with me is why did I ignore all the  red-flag? and how did she keep up this pretense for nearly 9 years?

For me, the serenity comes from knowing and accepting my own role in starting and continuing the relationship. If I put all the blame on the stbx's BPD, I haven't really grown.

But when I embrace my own character defects that enabled me to ignore red flags, I get one step closer to having those defects removed... .Or at least a having them defanged.

Gomez

Yes, I had many warnings.  But at the time, she hadn't been diagnosed yet, and I had no idea what BPD even was.  She just told me that she suffered from depression.  But here is what I got:

"Life is too short to have sex with one person for the rest of your life."

"I am a waste.  I am a total waste."

"I act in a socially unacceptable way and forget that it offends people."

"I will only hurt you in the end."

"You deserve better than me."

"You have a tender love for me, and I have a carnal, passionate desire for you."

"I am trying to figure out if my lust for you is tied to my love for.you or if it's the basis of my love for you.  The second one has ended a lot of my relationships because lust fizzles out pretty quickly."

"I have lived five different places in the past year.  I need stability."

"I crave human contact."

"My stepmom kicked me out and threw my stuff out in the yard."

"One of my exes just packed up and left one day."

"I have no friends."

"I don't think I have the ability to love. I mean I can be infatuated with someone, obsessed even but love I don't think so. I just don't seem to have the same need for that as,other people."

Said back in 2007. Should have run then.

Mine did and said the following:

- Sent me a lot of articles on depression

- Said, "I don't know who I am and I don't feel like I belong on earth"

- Said, "I am a sad person and you deserve better."

- Always accused me of cheating

- Said, "You are gonna leave me for someone better, I know it."

- Said, "I have no friends."

So much more

I cant remember all of the things she said but these are the statements that stand out - Roughly in chronological order.

"I'm a hopeless romantic."

"I have an unhealthy relationship with books."  Addiction.

General appearance was waif like.

"I put people on pedestals." First date.

"I never forget and don't forgive."

She didn't get along with her now dead bi polar mother.

She didn't get along with her codependent father.

She didn't get along with her brother.

She didn't get along with her grandmother.

Had no friends when I met her.

"I don't have a filter."

"I hold grudges."

House was in terrible condition.

Box of condoms on her night stand but said she didn't have a boyfriend or sex after fibroid surgery for 11 months.

"You deserve better than me."

"I know I'm selfish."

"I have depression and anxiety."

"Mothers don't like me"

"At 18, I gave up my son for adoption."  not so bad but there is more

"The father of my son hit me and was put into a mental institution. His family had an intervention with me to stop seeing him as they said I caused his breakdown and his need to be put on lithium." Paraphrased but you get the gist.

She carried 70K in student loans and cc debt.

"I'm worried one of these days you will wake up and realize you can do better than me."  I did.

"My ex and I went to couples therapy and I was diagnosed passive aggressive."

"I have been engaged three times."

"I was married to my ex for six months."

"I've never gotten a piece of the rock." Her insensitive and impersonal perspective about a diamond engagement ring.

"If you hurt me they won't detect the poison."

"I haven't had any woman friends for ten years."

"Sex was never really important to me."

"I'm a b___."

"Your car got you the second date, you got yourself the third."

"My best friend slept with my ex husband to get back at me."

"I'm a home wrecker." Letter to ex lover.

"I feel empty inside." Journal entry.

"I feel smothered like I have to be a smaller person to be in all my relationships." Letter to ex lover and journal entry's.

"I have run out of stories to tell." A few weeks before the breakup.

"Your the longest I've consecutively been with anyone - 2.5 years; don't let it go to your head."   Days before the breakup.

And my personal favorite... .

"If I knew your car was an older model I wouldn't have dated you."  Meant as a joke?

While my exBPDh and I were seperated and leading up to final split, he mentioned a few times:

" Best you move on with your life, I'm disturbed"

"I feel like a demon has control of me"

"I will kill my mother-this is the only way to sort her out"

And when we were dating, he mentioned that he "cannot be alone for too long" (referring to relationships).

To be honest-even if he warned me upfront that he was a Borderline-I would still stuck by his side because I didn't know then(about the disorder and myself) what I do now.