BPDFamily.com

So I broke up with my uBPDbf recently and am finding it very difficult.

I have spent alot of time reflecting on the relationship thinking about what I could have done to make things better. I feel like I have failed him and left him when he needs me the most. But at the same time I remember his abusive words to insult me and accuse me of things. I remember if I said I was unhappy or something he would tell me I was being moody and making him miserable and worse words...

There are few things that go on my in my head...

1. I feel I need to get validation and confirmation from people that his behaviour was unacceptable and not my fault/to be blamed for it (not just the example above, alot of things) Is it common to feel this way?

2. In the first 9 months or so he went through stages of being physically and verbally affectionate and times when he just seemed different... .it is hard to explain. It was like he was completely cold and uninterested and didnt really recognise him because he seemed like a different person. Not even painting me black but it just felt like he was a different person. Did anyone else experience this?

In the last few months he painted me black and said how I was never nice to him in the whole relationship but logically thinks I have a alot going for me... .yet he is really angry at me for him now being lonely and "seeing other people" (im not)

Finally, since a couple of weeks ago in the break up I feel scared of him and he just looks different when I think of him. Sort of like he is a stranger and I don't even know who he is.

And even after I made it clear and told him several times I am leaving. He accuses me of thinga and swears at me. I see in my blocked messages folder he has asked me today what im up to tomorrow. Like  nothing has happened! I dont get it?

You really don't need any confirmation from other people since it's not their relationship and what can they say about your relationship basically nothing. My exBPD has been painting me black and always blamed things on me, later when I found out about BPD all of my answers were answered. I knew it wasn't my fault that this rs was so bad.

Sometimes I really had the feeling that my exBPD was a different person, especially in the final stages of our rs she changed completely. When I told her once that she is changed and I don't like the new her she became very upset. Later when I called her she told me to f*** off and hanged the phone. From that moment I only started to hate her and I decided to move on, I really didn't care about her anymore. I just can't love a person like that. No one ever can.

Don't worry it's not your fault, pwBPD can't be fixed. All of their relationships will be a complete hell. I know this because my exBPD told me a lot about her exBF she reflected her behavior on him, accused him of cheating, being a liar, became distant, ignoring her. These are all the things she later did to me so I don't believe anything she said about her exBF.

Even if he's painting you black there might be people who believe him but trust me, once people know him better and see that all of his relationships are so messed up they will realize that it's him and not his partners.

Hi klacey-


Yes, because it was our job to manage a borderline's reality, our purpose as an attachment was to be a soother, to emotions a borderline can't soothe on their own.  And what about your needs?  And most importantly, we can find ourselves in a place where we're getting our needs met at a low level by assuming a caretaker role for someone in continuous need.


Yes, because the tool, the defense mechanism, of projection, someone packaging up the stuff they don't like about themselves and 'assigning', or dumping, it one someone else to feel better about themselves can leave the recipient of that doubting themselves because it looks like constant blame, and if we take on that blame because we're trying to make the relationship work, it can do a number on our self esteem.  We all use projection BTW, a borderline just has more reason to project so it's more extreme.  So what we need coming out of these relationships is validation, compassion and empathy from people, externally, until we get our feet back on the ground and can give them to ourselves.


Yes, one of the traits of the disorder is an unstable sense of self.  Since a borderline does not have a fully formed 'self' of their own, what's there is unstable, meaning who he is to himself changes constantly, with his interpretation of the same event changing with it, along with 'who he seems to be.'  Weird, yes?



Black and white thinking, everything is either all good or all bad, and the ever-present fear of abandonment; if you're 'seeing other people' then you have abandoned him, and if you say you're not you're lying, even if it's true.


That unstable sense of self along with the fact that you were once the soother and are now the trigger, so everything's changed.  It can be helpful to get extra selfish right now, take care of yourself above all else, because we tend to do a lot of caretaking in these relationships and are conditioned to put our partner's needs first, so extreme selfishness can help us break free, and then obviously protect yourself against whatever scares you about him.  Take care of you!

Thanks for the reply anyone.

I am painted to black apparently no-one would ever be as horrible and cruel to him as I was over the last few months and apparently I am a compulsive liar for not admitting I cheated and left him for someone else... .I explained many times the reasons... even said if I make him as unhappy and thinks so badly of me he would be better off with someone else... only responds telling me how im a cheat... .it baffles me!

@ FromHtoH, You said that extremely well. Thank you.

@ klacey, You're never going to figure it out when it comes to BPD, so at some point it makes sense to let it go.

LuckyJim

I will share my experience.

I too, wondered what I could have done. And I tried everything in the book, +3.

It was, and would never be, enough.

I was not allowed to have 'emotions'. I was not allowed to be sad, have a bad day, God forbid I get frustrated over ANYTHING... .My job was to be a 'cheerleader'. Just do what he wanted, whatever that was, so that he was always happy. My feelings, my needs; they didn't matter.

Yes, I was abused.


Yes, it is common.

I chased this for a long time... .to the point it made ME look crazy.

He was Mr. Wonderful 'on stage'... .no one outside the 4 walls of the home saw who he really was.

Finally, I just quit caring who 'knew the truth'.

I know the truth. God knows the truth. My kids know the truth.

I simply don't care about everyone else.

After 25 years of marriage, it took me 4 years to get to the "I simply don't care" place.


I was fooled for 21 years. I had learned how to 'not make him moody'... .moment by moment damage control.

After we 'reconciled'... .yes, he was like Jeykel and Hyde. No matter how much I gave, it was never enough.

When his mask fell off, the true monster was revealed, and no matter how many times he tried to put the mask on, his monster showed through... .


I am blamed for everything... .

He'll say "yes, I had an affair, and it was wrong and I regret it, but... ."

Then he'd very covertly blame me for ALL of his bad decisions.

Nothing ever was, or ever will be 'his fault'.


For me? Same thing; only I came to realize this IS who he IS... .I was living a lie, loving what he 'pretended' to be. This was enormously helpful in finally stopping all of the sadness and 'remembering the good times'... .because they were all a lie.


Mine would say and do the most horrible disgusting things; then act like nothing happened.

AND if I DARED to want to talk about it? The silent treatment was heavily applied... .and lasted until I 'let it go' and 'forgot' it ever happened... .

I feel the same... .I have no idea who my ex is anymore I saw such a large Spectrum of personnalities and traits and so much contradictions in his paroles and actions that I don't know anymore what was true and what was not.

I also feel scared of him. Since the breakup (9 days into it) he texted and called the day after, then remained silent for a couple of days, then I'd get a voice message and he showed up twice when I left work then silence for a few more days then I'd get confused text messages, sometimes saying he's sorry for our b/u, sometimes blaming me for some thing or another... .and he's always extremely concerned (convinced) that I met someone else... .all this is so irrational, so I'm scared too... .what's he gonna do next?

Thank you for everyone for your thoughts and replies :) I am glad I am not alone in this as you have had similar thoughts and experiences.