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After last night I am still upset. My wife comes down stairs and asks why I'm still acting the way I was. I told her I was still upset and would be fine in a little while but I didn't want to talk about it right now in front of the kids.

She said that we did need to talk about it and should go up stairs. I fell for it easily and now she's crying because I think she's a horrible person. How do you enforce a boundary of no meaning no when it comes to arguing? But also how to enforce it when she is going to keep going wether the kids are in the room or not?

JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It is a mantra for YOU. If that does not work - leave.

You can't enforce a non argue boundary differently. But you don't have to leave every time - a few in a row will be enough. You will see she is entirely capable of learning that it is hopeless to force her way through "no" when she consistently fails.


Related: Once(!) a bit of SET can also help:

S: for you to understand better

E: you have calmed down, emotions come and go quickly

T: for me it takes more time to calm down. I'm still upset and need more time. You can't help right now. I simply need space.

Here is what I suspect is going on in your head... .(please set me straight if I'm wrong... .but... .I've been there).

My guess is that you want her to realize that you are upset... .and want her to back off... .and give you space to heal.  She doesn't do that... .and that frustrates you (and other emotions in there as well).

Am I close?  If I'm not... please lay out the feelings and thought processes... .we can help guide you.


Anyway... .waiting on a pwBPD traits to behave reasonably... .about a subject that has been triggering for all involved... .is not a good plan.

So... you need peace and quiet to sort things out in your mind... .if she is not going to "give" you that... .then you need to "take" it.  OK... I know... .it's not hers to begin with... .I'm just trying to help your mind adjust.

Right now you are used to letting her control things that should be controlled by you.  This is a major shift in thinking to "take back" what is yours.

Trust me... .your life will be immeasurably better... .when you take... .and keep control... .of things that you should be in control of.

Listening to people that diminish your self worth... .is completely under your control... .because you control where your ears are.  You don't control anyone else's mouth... .just yours.

So... stop expecting someone to stop sending you a message you don't want to hear.  Stop listening... .


 

FF

Do you think she is a horrible person?  Where does that come from?

Also... .you had figured out that you should not be talking to your wife... .you were the one that "fell for it"... .she just kept playing her tune... .dancing her dance... .

The reason she keeps doing those things... is that they work for her.

They don't work for you... .stop dancing with her.

FF

I don't think she's a horrible person and have actually never said that. She says this if I say something about her behaviors towards me.

I'm trying to change the dance, it's just been so long that I'm having a lot of difficulty doing it. It's mainly in my head and that's what I'm trying to change.

I do have a tendency to walk away a the least little thing these days. If I think I could become triggered, I ask to stop the conversation. My being triggered is happening a lot more these days. I almost feel like I'm getting angry for no reason sometimes. I find myself constantly thing to think about everything she is saying and read into it. I'm am so worried that I will get triggered I start looking for a way out the minute we talk.

She has always had a way of phrasing the questions that get me to agree with her but now I feel like I'm jumping ahead and getting defensive even when she hasn't done this.

We did have the discussion about what I say and what she hears in MC last week. That and trust issues I have. We are going back this Thursday and are going to talk about these. One of the things I brought up last week us how I feel that she stays anger at me for a very long (1-4 weeks sometimes). She said that it's not true and she hasn't been upset with me for 2 months.

I brought up how I will calling my way home and ask something simple to check the temp before I get there. I usually say something like "I'm on my way home, do you need me to stop at the store and pick up anything?" Her reply when not happy with me is something like "did I say I needed you to stop at the store and pick something up?" (In a condescending tone).

The MC asked her what she hears when I call and ask her this. She said she hears "I know you haven't left the house all day and didn't go by the grocery store so he has to do it for me." She then went on and made a comment how she doesn't get out and do things she should but feels I am just asking these things because I'm upset.

I don't think we spent as much time on this topic in MC to really address it but maybe we will revisit it this week.

I'm just getting so worn out with all if this. I feel that I'm making too big of a deal over some things and not enough of others. Why does it have to be so freacking difficult? (Rhetorical question)