BPDFamily.com

I don't want my relationship to end with BPD bf.  I moved out a month ago in the middle of a rage after catching him in lies.  We just bought a house three months ago. We have had some close moments and then he pushes me away.  

I feel like I'm not 100% devalued right now but there's the good guy trying to come through and bad guy won't let him.  My friends all think I'm nuts to hold on. My T said I can't win this one bc bad guy will over power good guy. He's still in an episode.

He doesn't reach out but I text him and he responds.  A couple of times I don't reach out and he messages me. I always text him because I'm worried about object constancy and I miss him.  Plus, calling a spade a spade, I'm weak.

Last week I went over a few days and we hugged for long periods.  He looks beaten... .says he has a lot of guilt and shame about what happened (rage and lies).  He opens up a lot and then shuts me down the next day.  He admitted to lying a lot in our relationship about his beliefs because if I picked holes in him it would be the liar and not him, for example. 

When I text I ask generic things like how was work?  He gives me details.  He does not ask anything about me.  My friend says it's because he's still in the episode?  I feel like it's completely one-sided and wonder if he's just being kind by responding, or lonely or if there is still a connection?  What is your experience?  

I've read on here that many people with BPD just go silent. I was wondering if anyone has had the same experience.  You think if I was split black that he'd not want any contact? I feel like he wants me to go away but I am not convinced he really does.  Go away/come closer.  He still has a lot of anger (perceived slights) and tells me that spending time with me leaves him vulnerable and that while I may feel invigorated by deep conversations he feels awful.  I just want to hang out and do fun things without the deep discussion, but he doesn't trust that.

I am also at a loss of how to make the conversation more fun and light hearted... .?  

If I ask him to do something (like go for a bike ride) he says no.  It was our anniversary tues and i asked the night before if he'd take me to pick a helmet (I'm 45 and just learned to ride) and he said yes.  He stood me up and never came home that night. I texted him asking why he stood me up and couldn't text.  Of course I got the blame... .I want to know where he is, but cannot ask because I have issues with jealousy and he says I interrogate him about everything.  He does not want to see me right now.  He is not home tonight and it's driving me mad.

My T says what does it take for you to know he's done?  He pretty much used by boundaries as a playbook to force me to leave.  He won't physically see me or make any plans with me.  He always uses not yet or not now... .I'm not ready for that yet... .when talking about us.  The nows and not yets are confusing.  

He was married for 20 years.  He could be at a friend's but his pattern is to hook-up almost immediately after a relationship and he idealizes the new one and cuts off the past one.  He hasn't cut me off but he's not welcoming either.  He has started talking to his exwife and his last exGF before me.  

His exwife is even sending him messages with xoxox at the end! I don't know what their relationship is now but I did ask and he says I accused him of having sex with his exwife.  He is adamant that he is not looking for a relationship, or a booty call with anyone, that he wants to be alone (because before the BPD showed-up we had conversations about co-dependent relationships and he's never been alone) to prove to me/him he can.  It's weird because I don't think he is actually cheating (I don't trust my jealous radar - I've been wrong a lot when I've checked on things) but he lies and before I left he reached out to the exes and lied about it.  The one ex that I have issues with he told me he called her just to punish me.  I can handle the rages, but not the lies.

I guess I'm looking for what this all means?  He's still talking with me, still having the odd sweet moment, but he says he can't be in a relationship with anyone right now (including me)... .do I go no contact and see if he steps up (I know this is manipulation somewhat) or do I continue the slow and steady, not asking him where he slept (a boundary I had when we were together was he can't sleep anywhere else).  He always came home.  He'd know I'd know he wasn't home and it would drive me nuts.

He seems like he wants space... .but I am afraid of object constancy and abandoning him more.  he makes digs about me leaving.

I just want to start dating each other and being light.

What is going on and what do I do?

I think you have to take care of you.

Whatever that means for you.

Go cycling, but not with him.

Have the store clerk help you select a helmet.

Is there such a thing as a relationship helmet?

To protect us from getting involved with hurtful partners?

That would be a great invention.

   

I'm trying but this stuff has me confused

Hi gah,

I understand your confusion as this situation rings many bells to me.

At this point I would stop initiating any form of contact. Why? Because if you continue chasing you are letting him know that it is OK to stay this way. Nothing will change and the confusion and hurt will persist.

Push/Pull dynamics are very common in relationships with pwBPD and it takes lots of strenght to endure the emotional rollercoaster. The key is to remain centered at all times and reinforce good behaviors and healthy dynamics. Another thing to consider is to not let your partner set the tone of the relatiosnhip. Obviously because he is not stable. So, you know what you've got to offer (fun, love, great plans... .). Put it out there and if he doesn't reciprocate move on and don't let him drag you down.

It takes 2 to make a relationship work and he needs to make the effort and meet you half way. So, by not initiating contact you let him come to you at his own pace, and when he does, enjoy the good moments together and slowly start rebuilding your boundaries.

Keep working with your T and stick to the plans.

Take care :)

Thank you so much.  Do you think he is still interested at all? 

Hi gah,

If your pwBPD is dysregulating, depressed, and shameful, I would keep the conversations free of any type of feelings/emotions.  I would stick with things that you know he is interested in, TV shows, music, movies, etc.

From my experience, when my bf is dysregulating or shameful, I have made the mistake of discussing how his ambivalent behaviors was affecting me. or trying to "help." After I did either, he quickly pushed me away and gave me the "I think we should take a break from talking" line.

Now I validate and give him space if he wants/needs it. I know my bf's behavior pretty well, if he is very depressed, I validate and support him.  If he is acting distant or engulfed, I give him space.