BPDFamily.com

Hi... I guess I'm supposed to introduce myself.  38F, had a relationship that ended very suddenly, three weeks ago, after 4.5 years of torture.  I came across an article on abandonment issues, which turned into research on BPD, and Oh. My. God.  Reading all these articles and message boards is just mind-blowing.  It's like you all have been living my life too! 

ExBF may or may not be diagnosed.  If he was diagnosed he's not owning up to it.  In fact, he rarely owned up to anything, including his awful behaviors, which were many, including physical abuse and menacing.

Now that he's gone I've kept contact to a strictly as-needed basis.  His cats are still here, as well as belongings I know he wants.  One of his vehicles is still parked at my complex.  I will have to plan for someone to be a go-between for getting his cats/belongings.  I refuse to be alone with him.  I'd like to move, but I can't yet.

We also still both attend the same karate school (where we met).  I have no intention of giving up my dojo for this jerk. I've informed the head instructor, who has taken a neutral stance and said we are both welcome, but we aren't to be put together.  Instructor still allows the ex to teach, which I'm not entirely sure how to handle, except to ask that I get a message when he is teaching so I can stay away.  I simply don't feel safe with him.  I told my instructor about the physical abuse.  If he does nothing with that knowledge it's on him if the ex hurts someone else.  What else can I do, really? 

So I'm considering counseling, I know I played my part in this awful relationship, but I'm not entirely sure what that was or how to fix it, but I know for sure I don't want it to happen again.  I'm seeing co-dependency in myself.  I read a book I'm sure many of you have read called The Four Agreements, that stated we'll tolerate being treated as poorly as we treat ourselves.  So I'm sure self-image plays a role.

Anyhow, thanks for reading, thanks for sharing...  

Hi PetitFrite,

*welcome*

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.    A r/s (relationship) break-up with a pwBPD can be painful, confusing and chaotic. I'm sorry to hear about the physical abuse

I think that's a good idea to not be alone with him. Counselling is also a good idea.

Things ended abruptly. Any chance you'd reconsider changing dojo's?

Thanks, Mutt, for the response & welcome...   :) I have considered and reconsidered attending classes elsewhere.  A significant portion of my social circle comes from this school, that I've been attending since 2007.  I'm rather attached to the style, there are literally three schools of its kind in my state, and the other two are 2 hours north of me.  Bottom line is, I don't see it as being "fair" to me to go elsewhere.

I've considered pushing for his removal, but I have doubts that it would go well for anyone.  He's at his best (in many ways, not just behavior-wise) when it comes to martial arts, and he idolizes our instructor.  I'm afraid of being victim-blamed, I'm afraid of causing drama, I'm afraid of causing a rift with other people there I care about.  Sad thing about the exBF... it's literally all he has right now, I guess I'm not capable of taking it away from him at this point. 

And I'm aware this probably isn't the most rational way of seeing things, but there it is.   

I can understand having an attachment to a specific style, you've cultivated friends over several years and there's only 3 of such dojo's in your state.

I agree it's not fair.

You know your situation best and if that means trying to push him out causes drama I do think it's wise to not cause unnecessary drama.

I can understand feeling afraid. I felt afraid and anxious when my ex partner had a smear campaign against me with family and friends.

I felt like an emotional wreck and I spoke to my P ( Psychologist ) in a session. My P said:

Mutt, this isn't on you, this is on your ex partner

My P was right. BPD is a persecution complex. I can't control stories that my ex partner has to say about me and her actions are on her and not me. I'm sorry you're going through this.



If your ex blames you and other people you care about it hear it, there are two sides to a story?

I don't really know if he's talking to anyone about this.  I guess I'll find out soon enough!  It's funny, though.  I listened to him talk trash about a lot of people he felt had either weren't up to his standards or felt had slighted him in some way.  Then there were others who could do no wrong, until... yknow... they did.  I didn't recognize it for black & white thinking until recently.  I can't see him leading a smear campaign, per se.  I see him making judgmental remarks that aren't going to fly with anyone that has known me for more than a couple of years.

I'm sorry though, about your ex.  What sucks for men is they tend to not have the social connections that us ladies do, and I'd guess she started before you guys even split up.

Thanks PetitFrite.

Yes my ex started before we split and the other man likely heard all bad things about her husband. He didn't have qualms that there were kids involved. I think it telegraphs he lacks boundaries. He helps keep the chaos away from me  *)


He may or may not trash talk you and past behaviors can predict future ones.


Hang in there.


----Mutt