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Title: My sons have left their mum to live with me. Post by: enlighten me on June 14, 2015, 11:44:20 PM This weekend I had my sons. On sunday when I took them back their mum was outside with a strange look on her face. A mixture of trepidation and anger. I said goodbye to my boys and drove off. Two minutes later s13 calls me in tears and tells me to come back. I return to find s13 and s12 in tears walking up the road. I drive them to their mums and on yhe way they tell me that as soon as they walked in their stepdad started shouting at them. My ex wife had said that they spent the two hour journey fighting when they came down on friday and that they had nearly caused her to crash. I know this to be an exageration as s12 always sleeps on car journeys. The boys had told me they had messed about a couple of times and had been told to stop but it wasnt as bad as their mum made out.
At their mums she came out and started ranting about how the boys have no respect for her and how they had nearly killed everyone. When s13 tried standing up to her she screamed that she couldnt take it anymore and ran off crying. Her husband just said that if thats how the boys feel then they should live with me. My boys are obviously upset and livid about their mums behaviour and bare faced lies. They are nervous about going to a new school but overall happy about being out of a house where they are constantly walking on eggshells. Lots to do now. New school, change doctors, and a bit of a sort out of the house but nothing insumountable. Also need to cancel child maintenance payments which I dont think the ex has thought of. Im sad that it has come to this as I never wanted my boys to have to deal with anything like this. I am so happy though that they are out of that toxic household. Title: Re: My sons have left their mum to live with me. Post by: Turkish on June 14, 2015, 11:55:25 PM That's a lot to bear for kids so young, but spawning as the child of a BPD mother, it's life as it is. At least they have you in their corner!
Is it that easy in your jurisdiction, that they can choose to live with you? It sounds like SD wanted this, too... . Title: Re: My sons have left their mum to live with me. Post by: enlighten me on June 15, 2015, 12:07:27 AM In the uk a child aged ten can decide where they want to live. I also have joint custody so there wasnt a court ruling that they had to live with their mum.
The step dad did seem smug and im certain he didnt want the boys. As my boys have seen my exgfs behaviour I have discussed BPD with them. I pathed the way for the day I would discuss their mums behaviour. Yesterday I told the boys that I believed their mum was BPD. I didnt want to do it yet but they were so hurt and confussed by her behaviour that I thought the time was right. They took it well and saw how her behaviour and my exgfs were similar. I had tried to talk about BPD with compassion and how they couldnt help how they behaved because their brains were wired differently. I think this approach has softened the blow and given them some answers. Title: Re: My sons have left their mum to live with me. Post by: ForeverDad on June 15, 2015, 10:39:27 AM Im sad that it has come to this as I never wanted my boys to have to deal with anything like this. I am so happy though that they are out of that toxic household. How is your overall perspective? Do you agree you're happier than you are sad? I can't remember where I found this quote, but I bought the book to find out precisely where in the book the quote was... . Living in a calm and stable home will give them a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships. So many of us felt we had to stay in a marriage (or do limited parenting) no matter what but sometimes, in cases like ours, that's just not the right thing to do. Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one." Ponder that. You don't have to feel guilty about ending or reducing the dysfunction. Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment - your home, wherever that is - away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos. Title: Re: My sons have left their mum to live with me. Post by: enlighten me on June 15, 2015, 12:13:43 PM Of course im happy but I hate the fact that theyve had to go through what they had to get here.
It seems different this time. to the two times before they refused to go home they were quiet and Almost scared. This time there is only a feeling of relief. Relief that they dont have to go back. They dont have to walk on eggshells anymore and their mums true colours have been revealed. I dont think s13 will ever forgive his mum. |