BPDFamily.com

Thank you for having this message board. I recently left my husband, who I believe has BPD.  I know it was right to leave him and I'm moving forward the best way I can. But my mind feels so confused - as I try to reconcile who I thought he was with who he turned out to be. It feels like the person I loved "died" but the more I read and think about it, I realize he just never was the person I thought he was. It feels so confusing. I took me 4 years to fully understand what was going on and how sick he is.  I feel duped.  How did you trust your own judgement again?

Welcome Movinon5,

Great question! I remember thinking the same thing early on and luckily I did come up with a satisfactory answer for myself.  I listen to my gut,  my body,  my initial reactions and especially any niggly feelings I have.  I now also know about BPD,  projection,  push/pull and enabling so my mind doesn't dispute the facts like it once used to.  I employ NC (no contact) as an option for how to take care of myself in confusing or pressurised situations.  It took a while to learn to really listen to that instinct (activation in my body)  and take note of it's message, by talking to someone,  exploring my feelings etc That's what I trust now and not the words someone else speaks... .Hope that makes sense to you.

After being deceived for 21 years, going into a deep depression (PTSD as the cherry on top)... .

It took me about 2 years to start gaining back my confidence.

Ironically, with the exception of my ex, I was very discernable... .had really good judgement, etc.

But after his mask fell off... .I couldn't decide what to have for dinner. What shorts I was going to put on. If I was going to wear my hair up, or down. I was terrified of making the wrong decision again.

It was debilitating, humiliating.

In the midst of this, I 'trusted' a co-worker who stabbed me in the back... .

He was a Padawan Narcissist... .but N all the same. Eventually he was demoted, then let go because of his actions.

That took me back to square one... .I was 'sure' I lost "my mojo".

After much prayer, and small confident decisions... .one building on the next, I realized, no... .I did NOT lose my 'mojo'... .but it did humble me. And maybe that was the lesson.

All in all it took about 3 years to 'get back to normal' for me.

Hi Movinon5, I know exactly how you feel.  Who I believed she was - her values and who I thought she was as a human being - was not who she actually was. She mirrored my values for a long time, but over time the facade crumbled. I don't believe this was intentionally manipulative on her part; she doesn't know who she is and she desperately wants to know, so she "tries on" aspects of the people she becomes intimate with in a desire to be whole.

It took me months to reconcile the "who I thought she was/who she is" dilemma. Once I understood the disorder thoroughly and began to integrate her (admittedly dichotomous) personality characteristics I began to heal. Yes, she could be sweet, warm, funny, gentle - but she could also be emotionally cruel, dishonest, unfaithful, passive aggressive and a myriad of other things. I didn't understand how all of these things could be found in one person - but they can. I finally accepted that they can.

Unless your ex is narcissistic you weren't purposely "duped." What you will begin to look at as time goes by is your own role in the r/s; why you stayed if it was abusive, what core wounds from your FOO (family of origin) might have been soothed in the r/s... .and as you understand these things (and with the passing of time) you will begin to trust yourself again - because you will understand the dynamics of the r/s and how your own 'stuff' kept you in it.

I found it very valuable to work through all this with a therapist.  Do you have one?