BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

Long time wasn't here... .as, thank G-d, I feel much stronger emotionally and quite busy at work and family. But I appreciate that I can come back whenever I need :)

So I just had a long conversation with wife. She is very disappointed with our area of residence. Not happy about what she can do or not, style of city, etc. At the same time she has many reasons why we shouldn't move out, many others why we should move out, and no clue where to move out to as well as what she would be busy with.

I suggested her to find a life coach or someone that can help us determine the best course of action. She then said - "You know, maybe I am so disappointed with what we have here, so I can think about what to do."

I asked her if she also feels disappointed about our marriage, about me and my family (she always feels that I have a messed up family).

She was quite for a moment and didn't reply.

Come to think of it, she is always disappointed. Very rarely happy with anything, any accomplishment, almost anything.

Is that very common? Do you feel the same with your BPD spouse?

With my spouse, oh yeah, he will act that way for sure. Not about everything--he is kind of childlishly delighted by certain simple comforts (when I bake him cookies for example).

But sometimes he thinks X or Y will make him happy, and when he finds out he is still the same person who interacts the same way with life even with Y or Z, then he blames Y or Z for his unhappiness. At least, he recognized that he did this at one point.

Also, I think because pwBPD have a poor sense of self, they sometimes lack the ability to know how they want to change their life in the first place. I am concerned sometimes that my husband goes along with what he THINKS I want him to do in life, because it gives him some direction. Then, when he is unhappy, he blames me.   

Yes, yes and yes!

My husband frequently complains about where we live. It's in a beautiful rural setting with a lovely view and magnificent sunsets; we've built an incredible house with a great swimming pool; it's a small-ish community with a lively arts scene; we're close to skiing areas and there are lots of recreational activities nearby.

Yet, "We don't get good movies," "It's a long drive to go to the opera," "I don't have any friends here" (and I want to ask him if he's had any friends in other places where he has lived because by all accounts, he hasn't or the friends he thought he had, weren't--perhaps just an example of BPD black and white thinking.)

I'm not sure this is related, but I'll put this out as a corollary to disappointment. Whenever my husband cooks a meal, which is very infrequently, but very appreciated, he repeatedly asks if I like it. I might tell him how wonderful it is in several ways, yet it doesn't register and he often feels unappreciated for how much work he has put into it.

I might say it a dozen times and he still is unsure that it was good. And I'm not giving empty praise... .

Yet when I cook a meal, he will often eat it without a word of thanks or appreciation.

It's like pwBPD really are oblivious to the response of others--their people skills and emotional intelligence fall short and that's a large part, I believe, of why they have a difficult time making and keeping friendships.

BPD people suppress emotions.  therefore how can they really feel happiness if they suppress their emotions.

Although that r/s is several yrs. behind me now, maybe my experiences can contribute.

First I also thought I was a kind of unhappiness exw expressed (face, attitude, body language and yes up to blaming), it was not.

During decades (without knowing of BPD) I noticed exw expressed joy when there was instant ‘gratification’.

Thrilled even with the idea and looking forward to work on ‘creative’ tasks, as helping out at the primary school, organising activities for a children’s camp, etc. (also an ego boost towards society as an HFperson).

As described by others, there is a lack of ideas / initiatives, even problem solving attitude (better, I experienced a fatalistic attitude) when it comes to matters of home, life and future.

Ideas brought up by me were embraced or accepted, altered and consensus was accomplished.

Indeed disappointment up to blaming, when not fulfilled as ‘planned’.

From her side, her neeeed was expressed, neeeed when annoyed or projecting inner turmoil.

During talks, after projecting and outbursts, that lasted hours in order to get exw back to baseline,  many times I asked the question:

‘tell me what is it that you really want about family, kids, us, the future?’The answer, even after hours, was ‘something different’, ‘something to have fun’.

 

At those moments exw deflected the question… into what I wanted…  me giving some easy going samples (seeing Rome once) suddenly the light was seen… as, maybe another place too?

With years, for me it became activating exw’s fantasy, as I did with my kids… 

PwBPD do not have a whole sense of self, are reliable upon the partner in order to be whole. That’s part of the dynamic that causes pwBPD to blame, to be disappointed in us as we in fact are their guide.

So are/were those mutual interests, life goals, family / life values and norms, just a mirror I looked in?   

Decades…the same, however towards the end, expressed was, never have there been any commonly interest. 

Exw in her mid fifties and seemingly attached to ‘something different’ now, shows to have a new ‘pair of values’ and having a great time doing what was rejected even condemned for decades.

Having a whole sense of self?