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Title: I feel alone in this as a single parent Post by: momcass on June 16, 2015, 12:40:16 AM I am here as it is 1am and 6 months into the journey of knowing my daughter is Borderline and I am tired.
15 years ago I was in a support group as i felt my then husband had BPD (I was right although he was never diagnosed), we divorced a year later and fast forward to january 2015. My lovely daughter attempted suicide. It has been a roller coaster and poop storm since. I have a go fund me page, I have lobbied my congressman and done just about all a single mother can do. I am working to maintain my job and my own stability while helping my daughter. I NEED support. I NEED to know I am not losing my mind. My daughter looks like her body is her canvas, so much cutting . I do my best to never leave her alone. I am tired. I live in the DC area and where is the support here. Title: Re: I feel alone in this as a single parent Post by: Kwamina on June 16, 2015, 04:15:44 AM Hi momcass
You have been through a lot with your husband and your daughter. I am very sorry to hear she attempted suicide this year. Did she get any targeted help after she did this? Getting the help necessary for your child can sometimes be quite difficult unfortunately. It is clear that you are trying to do all you can to help her. BPD is a challenging disorder and can really take its toll on you. That's why I am glad you are reaching out for support. Is your daughter currently still engaging in cutting behavior or are you referring to the scars from the past? To help you get started here I encourage you to take a look at the tools and lessons to the right of this message board. Take care and welcome to our online community Title: Re: I feel alone in this as a single parent Post by: tristesse on June 16, 2015, 08:12:15 AM Hello momcass
I am here for you, I am here to listen when you need to cry and when you need to yell. If you ever feel the need to have a one on one conversation you can send me a private e-mail and I promise, I will respond. I agree with Kwamina, targeted help is essential to your daughters recovery, so hopefully you have found the right person or people to be able to help her. She can get better, so please do not give up hope. I can hear the desperation and the exhaustion in your words, and I want to remind you that self care is equally important... .I know it's hard to take care of yourself when you are so distraught and concerned for your daughters well being, but if you run yourself into the ground, you will do her no good, so do try and find a few hours a week for relaxation and self pampering. I will share a little of my own situation with you, my daughter is 31 now, she has been in therapy since she was a very young person, she started cutting around the age of 13, and we have had 4 attempted suicides in her teen years. She goes to therapy and takes meds for a while then she stops and we go backwards and need to start all over again... .She now has a 6 year old son who has been added to the equation, and hey live with me. I recently discovered that sometimes I trigger her by my reactions to her, and that I make her reactions and the situation worse... .that was a good discovery and good insight to help us move forward. She has been better as she has started meditation and yoga, this gives her a sense of self and calm, and helps her to stay more focused. I am pleased to say that she made these choices all on her own, which just proves to me that she is really trying to be healthy of both mind and body. The reason I shared all of this with you just now, was so you would understand how similar all of us are in our lives, caring for a person with BPD. I wanted you to know and understand that you are most certainly not alone on this journey. sending a hug and a mountain of support to you... .take care friend, and do keep us updated as we really do care. Title: Re: I feel alone in this as a single parent Post by: livednlearned on June 16, 2015, 12:06:08 PM Hi momcass,
I'm a single mother too, and that alone is one hard row to hoe. Also divorced from a BPD ex husband. My son has "high emotionality" as a personality trait, which seems to be a precursor to BPD. He is not diagnosed, although has many of the other challenges that go with having a BPD parent - ADHD, ODD, major depression/anxiety, and suicidal ideation. I'm so sorry that your daughter attempted suicide :'( many of the parents here know how dark it can be when our children struggle to stay on earth with us. How old is your daughter? I found Blaise Aguirre's book about BPD in adolescents to be really helpful. One of the things he mentions I believe is from dialectal behavior therapy, how two seemingly opposite things can both be true. He mentions it in his section about cutting, and why BPD sufferers do it -- how for them it is solving a problem, and how for the parents, the cutting is the problem. I hope you'll keep posting and let us know how you're doing. There are tools and skills and lessons that really do help, and they're free here on the site ---> in the sidebar to the right. Validation is the skill that has helped most in my relationship with my son. Have you found any good resources about validation and how to apply it in your relationship with your D? Title: Re: I feel alone in this as a single parent Post by: madmom on June 16, 2015, 12:16:22 PM Hello I can feel the pain, frustration and need you have in your post and my heart cries for you. First of all you are not alone. We have all experienced horrible things we couldn't have dreamed possible with our children and it can be so overwhelming and feel so hopeless. But I can tell you without a doubt there is hope. When I came to this site about a year ago I was at an all time low. I thought I had done all there was to do to help my daughter and she wasn't getting better and I was desperate. I found so much love, support and just a place to vent with people who were walking the same rugged path that my family was on. That alone was a huge relief. I spent some time studying the tools and lessons to the right hand side of this page. And most importantly, I started working on me. How I was responding to the disease and the prison we all seemed to be trapped in. I made changes in how I did things. At first it got a little worse, but I stuck to what I knew I needed to do and things started getting better for me and my child. There is so much hope. She is doing marvelously well and we are at a place I couldn't have dreamed was possible. She is 27 now, but we have been dealing with problems with her for a long time, particularly from the age of 16 on. Please keep coming back and letting us support and help you. Best wishes. Madmom
Title: Re: I feel alone in this as a single parent Post by: momcass on June 16, 2015, 12:44:37 PM Thank you all
I am at work so limited time and I wanted to send a quick message Help me with understanding the annreviations I am 43 I have 2 boys 22 and 17 and daughter 15 Found out she began self strangulation in 8th grade limited cutting in 9th and since the lid popping off and all coming out she is aggressively cutting. I was an ER nurse for 11 years this behavior is not frightening to me. I accept this. She did hang herself 2 months ago and my mother cut her down, no we did not admit her. I had her medically cleared and brought home and with her therapist and group leader and support network we got her thru. After petitioning my congressman and with help from the parity project my insurance is covering the DBT (3 sessions per week) I am well versed in mindfulness and meditation and had my daughter trained in transcendental meditation however she feels it's ridiculous Still tweaking meds Had a genetic test done and found the one she was on before was actually contraindicated for her Now she states she wants to go to the hospital to work on herself or live somewhere else I point out that in the hospital they medicate her and send her to group and if she needs a break it will not be there for that amount of money we will work it out with her therapist and group leader and living somewhere else will not help as she and her emotions go with her wherever she goes I have house rules I live by and set boundaries firmly It's the daily and even hourly mood changes and constant vigilance that is wearing in my nervous system My oldest son and I had a heated convo yesterday and I lost it There some glass in my kitchen and broke down sobbing Daughter not around during this Everyone who knows me said its not like me at all and not unexpected considering all I have been dealing with Ex not involved at all He did call yesterday to tell me what daughter needs and I asked if he will financially contribute and he then blamed me for breaking up the family 14-15 years ago and that it's all my fault So glad I divorced him and kept him at bay He has not spent time with the kids outside of my home except for a handful of times I am mourning I feel like I have lost my daughter Once my twin and constant companion Now I can not hug her or touch her I can not laugh with her Seeing and feeling her pain is overwhelming for my high intuitive and empathic self She talks so painfully negative about herself and nearly takes your head off if you speak positively about her She loves animals children the elderly she is smart I am scared for her and her future Am I doing enough I want to cry in someone's ha blunder and be held and know it will be ok Title: Re: I feel alone in this as a single parent Post by: Butterflygirl on June 16, 2015, 01:58:42 PM I was a teenage unwed mother. I raised my kids on welfare until a therapist helped me get back in school. I think I would have done ok with my first child because she was so sweet. But my 44 year old son K is BPD and high maintenance. Now my daughter is dead and I am stuck with my son. Ironic. Sometimes I get angry at God. Anyway enough about me. I digress. I hope you have some extended family. If not reach out to social services. They helped me get my kids to camp every summer. Big Brothers was great. It takes a village. Good luck.
Title: Re: I feel alone in this as a single parent Post by: JustAMum on June 16, 2015, 04:26:06 PM I am a sole parent too. My d is 16 and covered in scars also. She tried to OD last year. I know how hard it is when it all falls onto you. At times it can seem all overwhelming. My d has a tendency to put herself in high risk situations. Recently she claims to have been sexually assaulted. She had been drinking. It's a never ending roller coaster ride of stress and worry. I don't have a large support network so I know what it's like to also feel alone. It's a hard road. I have my own psych and am on medication. I just hope things will get better for you x
Title: Re: I feel alone in this as a single parent Post by: tristesse on June 17, 2015, 09:11:25 AM momcass
how do we ever know if we are doing enough? There is no way of answering that, but if you are doing all you can , then it has t o be enough. This illness is a big pain in the butt, and you are living proof that it hurts everybody in it's path, not just the person with the actual illness. I understand how tired and drained you are, and how terrifying attempted suicide is. I pray for you and your family. I just wanted to reiterate that you are not alone on this journey, practice the lessons and the tools, even if you already know these things, practice use of them can not hurt, and can help you to perfect the skills. Stay strong, and keep us updated. Title: Re: I feel alone in this as a single parent Post by: kelti1972 on June 17, 2015, 11:39:38 AM momcass:
You are not losing your mind. When we are grieving we feel we are going insane. I have been feeling that way for a couple of days now. I feel alone and I am married to a wonderful man. He can say things that just send me reeling. He doesn't mean it, he gets really tired and exhausted with this whole BPD thing too. We let our 27 year old pwBPD come home and live so he could go to therapy and do dbt. He had made some really good changes when he was out of our house for three months and now it seems he has gone backwards. I am frustrated and trying to learn, get educated and take one day at a time. It is so hard some days. He has been really beligerent lately and I want to scream, but I just try to go on and ignore his bad behavior. Keep reading and learning and coming here for support. You may feel alone but you are not alone. Thnigs are not going the way I want right now so I am really trying to accept and have faith for better days. Trying not to regret the past and anticipate fearfully into the future. Sometimes I do that really well and othertimes like now not so good! Take care! Kelti |