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I've been with my BPDgf for 5 1/2 years. A huge problem that's plagued our relationship is the matter of unfairness. When I enter a new relationship, I study and observe what my partner considers "ok" and "not ok" in terms of what's acceptable behavior. As everyone knows, some people are more "strict" about what's ok than others. I'm pretty much fine with whatever, but once the boundaries are established I expect fairness.

My BPDgf seems to be totally incapable of putting herself in other people shoes. I'm constantly asking her, "how would you feel if this situation was reversed". But, she always has some illogical justification for why something is ok for her to do but not ok for me. I've literally evolved into a master of creating comparison situations out of desperation to try and get her to understand what she's doing.

The most recent issue is that she's now decided that she's going to go travel Europe for 2 weeks by herself. Unfortunately, we work together and its literally impossible for us to take time off together. 

The problem is that when I've gone on as much as a 10 hour trip to a city that's an hour & a half away, she's flipped out on me. For years I had to hear her complain about me taking a trip to an art show with a guy friend that involved me leaving on a Friday and returning on a Sunday... .less than 3 days and we weren't going out to bars or clubs; we were at an art show... .I was in bed by 11pm both nights.

But now she claims this Europe trip is her "life long dream" and that I'm trying to make her a puppet by asking her if she would be ok with ME taking a 2 week trip to another continent by myself.

Now she's claiming I'm suffocating her by simply suggesting that she's not being fair and not living by her own rules. She claims she's missing out on life because of me. The problem is, I myself used to be way more active, but then when I started dating her and I was always walking on eggshells, I figured out what I had to avoid doing in life in order to preserve our relationship... .and then I simply insisted she live by the rules she set. Its a freaking mind twister -- her own behavior has led our relationship "rules" which now causes her to feel suffocated when I insist she live by her own rules... .then she denies accountability and blames me for being the suppressor.

I feel used and manipulated, because the basic fact of the matter is going to be "Yeah, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me so she could take a vacation." When I felt loved and valued by someone for nearly 1/5 of my life, someone who made me feel like she would be devoted to me forever, someone who talked about marriage; and then without blinking an eye I'm getting dropped so she can go on a vacation that "she wouldn't be allowed to if she were with me"... .makes me feel like garbage. I don't feel worthless in the world, but it makes me feel worthless to her.

Does anyone have any advice on how to better handle "unfairness" issues with a pwBPD?

Josh-I have dealt with these things for years so I completely understand how you feel about this. Many times over, I have tried to use comparisons to get my wife to see how wrong she can be but it always ends with the same "it's different" statement. I always lose my mind when she says it too. I also dealt with the manipulation in terms of going on trips for work. I went to Las Vegas for a couple weeks for a temporary military deployment. While I was there, I wanted to go to Buffalo Wild Wings just to watch a football game. Her response:

"Fine, if you go there then you shouldn't have a problem with me going out tonight to a club."

I mean... .really? How is that the same friggin comparison. It's really childish, but at the time, it worked. This isn't really anything to help you, but it is to say I feel you man.

I'll answer with a quote from your own post.


With pwBPD it's not about "Fairness"... . It's about "perception".  In her mind she doesn't "see" the hypocrisy.

Also... .you shouldn't limit your life (Isolation) because you "perceive" she gets upset.  I promise you It's not about what you do or enjoy in your free time. In fact... .it's not about you at all. It may feel that way but it's really just twisted fears and reactions in her own mind.

You should not be letting her "Set the rules".  

Keep in mind also... .you can't control what she does any more than she should not be able to control what you do.

If you wait for the situation to be fair, good luck my friend! You will die waiting

At the same time, it's not fair that you are normal while you SO is not. It's not fair that you can lead a normal life while your SO must deal with constant demons.

But in any case: it's a huge mistake for you to think in terms of fairness and do things based on that. Instead, you should focus on "right".

If you feel that something - let's say for you to take a vacation - is 'right' and moral, go for it. If you don't think that by doing whatever you want to do you are somehow doing something wrong to her (example: she is sick and you are going to have fun), than go ahead and do it.

She will complain. Oh yeah. But really, she will complain anyways. At least you do what you enjoy.

Fairness and rules are for everyone else and don't apply in their situation. Even when you follow the rules you can have them changed without your knowledge and then she will be upset that you broke the new but not yet stated rule.


Rules at my house

1.She makes and changes the rules to suit her.

2.The rules are in place to keep you in line and doing what she wants and needs you to do.

3.You are the only one who is affected by and must follow the rules.

4.If you're unsure of any of these see rule #1

Sound about right. It's her world and you're just living in it. It sucks and it's not fair. But the others are correct. If you want to do something for you and you know it's not going to hurt anyone other than them getting upset. Go do it, they were either upset before you wanted to do it or will be during and after anyway.

I'm trying to do more of this for me. It's difficult with kids and being the sole income provider but I'm trying. I will be taking several motorcycle rides this summer. I have refused to sell my bike even though it's a HUGE area of contention for her, she will be gone before it is. It's the one thing that I can call mine and no one else can use it.

This stuff has nothing to do with fairness. What you describe is manipulation. The constantly changing rules keeps you confused and makes it easier for her to get what she wants.

If you haven't read the lessons that you can find down the right side of this post, that would be a great place to start.

Have you heard about FOG? It is an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. The changing of the rules keeps you in fear. You are walking on eggshells trying to please her. Then, there is obligation. You feel obligated to try to follow her rules. You feel obligated to do what she wants. You don't want to be seen as that horrible, bad partner that is controlling, mean, whatever. And then, there is the guilt. When talking to them, you might as well pack a bag because you are going to go on a guilt trip.

Once you find a way out of that FOG, things will be a little more clear. To get out of the FOG, it helps to talk to trusted people about what is going on. Read here and post about what is going on. Try to get out and be away from her. Pay attention to how you interact with others when you are with her versus when you are not.

The only way to stay in the relationship and survive is get as much information as you can. And, it takes a lot of self awareness.

A lot of people here tell you to focus on taking care of yourself rather than focusing on taking care of your partner or trying to figure out his/her needs/demands/whatever. Here is a lesson called "What does it mean to take care of yourself":  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0;all

Thank you all who responded to my message. I see some of you with hundreds or thousands of postings and you're truly awesome for taking time to help contribute to new people like me who are just now learning about BPD. I've never been part of a support group before. Thank you. I wish they would have taught about this stuff growing up in school instead of what x + y =