BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

Like the title says - do our exes ever face any consequences for their actions?  

i really don't want to hear "well, the disorder is consequence enough".  I'd like to hear from those of you who have experience with this. My ex had ZERO consequences for his actions. His life (when I used to snoop on his FB page) is "amazing". He "counts his blessings every day".  Puts up posts about God and forgiveness. Happy, happy, joy, joy.

Just feeling a bit bitter today. Thinking about how I paid such a heavy price for the relationship. It cost him nothing. Continues to cost him nothing. He's living his "amazing" life and I think I'm starting to hate him... .nothing ever happens to him. He skates. Zero consequences for being cruel.

Sorry for the rant. I know everyone says living well is the best revenge. But is it, really?

Hi Lipstick,

I don't know if they experience consequences; that's a good topic for our moderators to contribute to. I can tell you my experience and observations though: They are fat and happy while we are in pain. They mete out consequences. Even if they experience consequences, they don't make the connection b/w their behaviors and the consequences. Even if you can 'back up' the history (ie, then what happened, then what?) and get them to make a connection between a behavior and a consequence, they will blame someone else for the consequence. They are always happy happy joy joy b/c they have no clue.

For you own well being, you might look at ways you can let go of this person if he/she is now an ex in your life, and look at ways you can take care of yourself for your own happiness.

I bet eventually things catch up to them, whether it is professional or personal or something else. For the most part, their whole life is one big lie and you really just can't keep up with all that without slipping some time. I guess the other question is - what is a consequence to a personality disordered person, short of them committing some crazy crime and lands them in jail? To a normal person, let's say, the consequence of cheating is losing a relationship. To a personality disordered people - who cares, here is another sucker! To a normal person, the consequence of of lying is losing the job. To a personality disordered person - but but but he/she/it made me do it, it is so unfair, the world is against me, screw it, I'll get another job. So, I guess I wouldn't be too hung up on consequences, not your problem once they are gone out of your life.

Invictus,

I hope your words ring true in the case of my ex. In that things eventually catch up with them. That is what I keep hoping. It's wrong to wish misfortune on another - but I do.  I went along for the longest time feeling pity for him. Feeling badly that he has this disorder. Now? Well, not so much.

I don't know about your ex lipstick, but mine has been left many, many, many times, and abandoning a borderline cuts to the core like nothing else can.  And she really did love those people, in that fantasy borderline love kind of way, until she didn't.  So with each new relationship she feels worse about herself and her ability to keep a man than the last one, compensates for it with extreme narcissism, holds back a little more to protect herself, and ramps up the manipulation early, because she doesn't believe who she is without it is enough.  Those are pretty extreme consequences to me, sad as hell too, but she too lies on Facebook and that version of her is having an amazing time, great enough to attract the next suitor.  And on it goes... .

Hi FHTH,

Always appreciate your insight!

So my ex and being "left". Yeah, no. He dumped me. Not the other way around. Lost his job on a Wednesday. Said nothing. Kept getting up, getting dressed and leaving the house every day like normal. Then on the following Tueday - he moved out while I was at work. Ran back to the spouse he was supposed to be divorcing. Mailed my car / house keys back to me about a week later. Stuffed in a box with a bunch of paper towels along with an "I'm sorry" note scribbled in pencil - telling me he was "so sorry about your birthday, the football game, everything". Didn't even have the guts to put his home address on the box. Didn't want me to know that was where he went. Sent me a message via Facebook about two weeks after that. Asking me to lunch. Saying he had "a lot of explaining to do". Never showed up. Never let me know he wasn't coming. Silent Treatment from that point forward. Other than the FB antics I've previously posted about.

My ex wants everybody to buy into his happy, happy, joy, joy. I want him to fall on his face. I want his world to continue to shrink. Mean, I know. He doesn't get abandoned. His spouse can't get along without him financially. He suffers zero fallout from the things he does.


BTW - not only did I take the Facebook videos down, but I locked my page down so that he can't see anything.

Hey lipstick-

Sounds like a coward to me, and a borderline who was ashamed that he lost his job and terrified you'd abandon him if you knew, so he ran back to something safe, a preemptive strike.


Of course, run from the shame, revel in denial and put on a happy face to get externally validated because the internal world sucks.  Living a false self really, we all do it, I've done it plenty, but those things are so much work and ultimately transparent, except for folks who have been doing it their entire lives because they don't think they have a choice, the get really good at it, but you might have found the facade drops behind closed doors.


Yeah, you're pissed, and you're probably tired of hearing that it will pass.  But it will.  And of course we're only hearing your side, but you sound like a much better catch and he doesn't get the benefit of your company anymore, or your videos, and congrats on further decisive action!

FHTH,

Is that why he lives on Facebook? For external validation?  The guy even has a separate FB page to support his hobby (photography by cell phone   ).  Was constantly posting pics to this page and commenting / asking for tips / advice. All he got was his mom "Liking" the pictures. Yet he stubbornly continued to post. Getting no response or interaction. I found it odd that he continued posting when it was obvious there was no interest.

I just truly hope his "blessed" and "amazing" life is simply word salad. That it actually sucks. That he's over-compensating on Facebook to try and feel better about the whole thing. Jerk.

I know the anger will pass. For now - he's lucky he lives two hours away.   

In my opinion that's why everyone uses Facebook, to one degree or another, and the needier the more it matters.  My ex's page is littered with as much fake double D cleavage as you can show without being booted, that and smiling faces, what lonely guy wouldn't want to like and comment?  Attachment bait.

Hi lipstick.

Hopefully my story can provide some solace. I haven't posted on the site for a long time though I read it from time to time. About 2 years ago I caught my ex in an affair. She was flying to a different country on my dime monthly to carry it out under the guise of business. I was the supportive chump. I was bitter. We were expats living abroad. So I decided to come home to the US. She took all 3 of our kids and split to another country. Over the course of the next 12 months, I lost my job (which was extremely prestigious and high paying). I went from a who's who in my industry to someone who couldn't land a job. Washed up before my time. Horrible, right? Meanwhile she was gallivanting around the world living on daddy and blaming me for everything.

As I say, I was a mess, angry and bitter. And because she was my wife and we had a legal divorce to initiate and settle, I had to be on my best behavior and even voluntarily subsidize her life because I was trying to set a precedent for the case. She wasted my money in innumerable ways (unoccupied house, unused car she told me to "return" after 5 months, etc.). Talk about feelings of emasculation.

Fast forward two years, I couldn't be happier. 1) I make a small fraction of what I did before and 2) I'm no longer the "man" at work. But I've found myself. Meanwhile, she gets whatever she wants from daddy and comes and goes from country to country. So why am I happier? I got rid of her and refocused my life, decided all work, big money but high stress doesn't pay (pun intended). Also, through counseling my therapist theoried that her behavior was BPD and narcissistic in character though he couldn't diagnose her. That was liberating because I no longer blamed me for everything. Now I'm in amazing shape and have grown past the codependent issues that led me to enable her. My current girlfriend chases me and is worried about women hitting on me because I'm so secure and confident. My point? Living well is the best revenge. And not because it bugs them or doesn't.  But because you no longer care. You've won yourself - the best prize.

And now the icing on the cake - what will give you hope about your bitterness should you need it. Within 2 months of our separation, she sent the kids to me. I have been the sole custodian of my kids for almost 2 years. I am their rock (in all humility) and I'm in love (with them). I lost corporate America but gained so much more. I volunteer at their school and can hardly go a week without praise from mom's and teachers. I also get hit on by moms  I focused on myself physically and emotionally and I GREW and shed my bad habits and all of my stress and anger from my fast paced life before. I am the man I dreamed of being because of her actions and my reaction. My ex now has to ask me to bribe the kids in order for them to agree to spend time with her.  She depends on me to help those relationships. She has had to numb herself to her kids to avoid the pain of that loss. When I was in the same place as you, I'd have relished this. Now, I only have sorrow for my kids and compassion for her (mind you, as a parent).

So ride it out. Others are right it will pass. And while I do not know your facts, life may give you an opportunity to enjoy his sorrow if you don't focus on it. But if you've done your homework, you won't even revel in it.

I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw I also wondered about consequences... .Karma if you will.

My SO and I have had conversations about this and realize that the ex has been and continues to live the consequences of her actions.

She has lost all but 1 or 2 friends... .people always figure out she is the problem not the victim she portrays herself to be.

Her family has distanced themselves from her and do not financially assist her.  She has gone to the well 1 to many times.

She lives in hotels because she has been evicted 3 times and no one will rent to her.

She can't buy a car because she has no credit due to her financial irresponsibility

She can't have a normal legal job because she will have bill collectors and the IRS after her so she always has some strange on-line/telephone job related to money... .last we heard she works for a petroleum company out of the Seychelles in Africa!  It is my belief she is a con artist working for another con artist and getting paid under the table.  But who cares she hasn't filed income taxes in 15 years.

She has 2 court cases related to money in the works.  1 civil and 1 felony so in the legal sense she might have some consequences coming down the pike... .I look at this as payback for all of the people she has used for money, landlords she didn't pay, bounced checks she's written, the bills she never paid, the taxes she's never filed or paid and worst of all the daughter she ripped off and put into debt. (After watching the courts work during my SO's divorce I have become skeptical of our court system so who knows if there will be legal consequences or if they let her off with a slap on the wrist... .but I truly hope there is punishment for so many she has burned financially)

She has alienated both of her daughters D18 is No Contact and D14 is Low Contact

And she lost the wonderful man she was married to (her loss is my gain  )

So yes in the case of my SO's uBPDxw she is living her consequences each and everyday.  

Looks don't always how show the true state of the individual but you know the situation better than we do. Perhaps the religious emphasis is his way of trying to over-compensate? My main point is that while consequences can't always be seen, you never know how they may manifest for him. And something did happen of consequence... .he lost you!

Hi, Lipstick, not to be trite, I think the phrase ":)on't compare your backstage to someone's highlight reel" may apply to your situation.  If his life were really that "blessed" he wouldn't be putting so much effort into his FB profile, would he?

Wow strong I wss just going to post my story and read yours first and it made me smile.

My ex wife painted a picture of happines. Driving around in flash cars and a husband with a very well paying job. This weekend my sons came to live with me. Theyve had enough of their mums lies and their stepdads bullying behaviour.

She is apparently a mess. She is terrified her sons will never speak to her again. She is apparently arguing with her husband and she will be worrying about the lack of child support as my maintenance money is used by her for her outgoings. She was a secret spender and ran up massive debt when we were together so ive no doubt that she wil have done this again.

So she is broke, terrified of her husband discovering her debt, living with a possibly BPD husband, and has lost her sons.

of course they do... .the very things that they seek they destroy... .

In the case of mine, she raged against her son for 18 years and did not provide the basic parental support that is essential for a child to grow up emotionally healthy and functional. Guess what? Although highly intelligent, her son barely graduated from a watered down version of high school. He flunked out of the one class that he took at community college and he has been unable to keep a job for any longer than 2 weeks (9 jobs and counting in the last year). Sadly, he will never be able to live outside of his moms house EVER, have friends or find a girlfriend and get married. He will be a constant reminder and monument to her lack of willingness to stop running from serious problems and just deal with them.

My UBPDexgf - Before I met her she was a homeowner, high earner, peak of her career, she left her husband and son out of the blue and shacked up with a woman she had met twice over the internet.

Fast forward 5 years, she lost custody of her son and only has restricted visitation rights, she has had two failed Lesbian relationships, the last one with me, she has debts of £15k, including HMRC, CSA and Council Tax, she can barely afford a room in a shared house, she will probably face bankruptcy within the next few months.

She has no stability and lies and cheats with who knows how many women.

She painted a picture on Facebook of being happy happy, what a wonderful mother I am, look at me please tell me how wonderful I am. Her 'friends' are on Facebook, she meets women on dating sites.

Is she truly happy no, she never will be, she does not know the meaning of the word. She is empty, soul less, a hollow vessel with dead eyes.

Karma does catch up with up eventually if you treat people continuously like dirt and expect to get away with it

I do understand how you feel.  Mine cheated on every guy she was ever with and ran off with the replacement, blaming the her exes for her behavior. She would then go out of her way to be cruel, vindictive and hurtful to all of her exes. Just like a 7th-grader. In my case she got my replacement to join in the "fun" of acting out in public with her to cause me emotional pain? At times I could see that "oh My God", they have discussed this before hand, how they are going to act if they run into me in public?. Hurting someone else appears to be a planned "fun" activity? Sick stuff.

We are talking 2 people in their 40's here. Extremely immature behavior, but very hurtful.

I call her Cut-n-Run C_ _ _ (name) folie.  I was devastated by her behavior, but I made a decision early on when I saw who this person actually was to distance myself from them. I did not know about BPD... .I own no photos, never "check up on her life etc. That just hurts me. I loved this person deeply and could not  behave in the manner that she and my replacement do.  I do the best that I can to focus on my own life, and to embrace the fact that I don't act that way. It appears to me that she just went merrily on her way and has a wonderful new life, yes with no consequences... .but I do my best to make that none of my business. I never asked for this situation, it is what it is though. This is what life served up. I do my best to live my own life and focus on me and what I am doing. After all that went down, I do not have much alternative, do I?

I don't wish her good will. I don't wish her bad will... .I just try to mind my own business. I do not know what God's plan is and I can't think that I can effect that... .I just point my nose down the road.

This thread reminds me how their poor choices catches up with them eventually. The other day I had a late phone call from my ex saying she wants to reconcile. I told her to get lost and to never contact me again. Reading this thread gives me the following possible scenario.

Her life is such a mess after a year with my drug dealer replacement that she's now desperate enough to contact me for help. Mr Hollande who has control over his life. Mr Hollande the problem solver. Mr Hollande who sorted her out so many times during the 5 years he wasted on her. "Suggest reconciliation first and the rest can follow".

But this time Mr Hollande didn't want to know. He also made it clear he NEVER wants to know again. So there she is on the outside trying to look in. "Who will save me now?".

I think I know where you are right now, Lipstick. I was there two weeks ago and it's not a nice place to be. It is an inevitable necessity on occasion though and going there benefits us in the long run. I think you know the answer to your question.

To answer your question: yes, they always face the consequences.

To provide a further twist, however, they don't know what the actions were for the consequences that they face.

Imagine never having a real answer for your pain, one that revolved around yourself and your own view of the world.

I remember, even during the very beginning stages of idealization with my BPDex, that she was in constant doubt about her friends and family liking her. She thought that she had no friends, that no one was there for her, and that she was an ugly, miserable person. These emotions fully manifested themselves again when she broke up with me. I imagine presently that they've retaken their place as that constant voice in her mind that tells her that she's not good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, etc.

Of course, we face great loneliness, insecurity, fear, and doubt after our relationships with our pwBPD end. Fortunately for us, we have the knowledge and tools available to us to get to the root of those problems and lead happy, fulfilling lives.

A pwBPD usually never finds that part of themselves. The deepest, hardest to reach part that guides our self-worth and intuition as human beings. A lot of them will never reach the WiseMind state that is spoken about here (successful communication between emotions and logic).

Hi all,

Great responses from everyone!  Thank you all for sharing. Strong - your story in particular is inspiring, to say the least.

FromHeeltoHeal - yes, compared to her I am a "catch". Much younger. Not a ridiculous, abusive drunk. Much more attractive. That's not vanity talking - I haven't spent years cooking myself on the beach as she has. I don't look like a piece of beef jerky with hair. The sun takes a big toll as we age. Also - I can provide for myself. Something she can't do. She won't even be collecting S.S. as she's never held down a real job.

Behind closed doors? Anger. Always simmering right below the surface with my ex. He had issues with people he perceived as being more affluent than him. Which didn't take much! I came out of a marriage where we were comfortably off. Both good wage earners. I drove a nice vehicle, etc...   The ex would make sarcastic comments from time to time regarding my possessions or tastes. However, he had no issues with driving one of my vehicles instead of his own beater of a ride! And using anything of mine that suited him - sunglasses, etc...

The anger would come out in some incredibly juvenile ways, too. I was very puzzled by this behavior. It was irrational. I'd never encountered anything like it. I found that I could sit him down and talk to him calmly. That would defuse the situation. But the anger was unfounded to begin with! Very childish... .   red-flag   red-flag

So I think you are correct. My anger will fade with time. Coming to this forum and reading other folks experiences / insight always helps calm me down.  Also - you are correct in that he uses Facebook to make himself feel better. Funny - it was always the same five or six people that "Liked" or commented on his posts / pictures. Never, ever his children!  Always his mom and a handful of others. Yet he believes he is this unbelievable talent and everyone looks forward to his next FB posting. 

I hope that it gets under his skin just a bit that he can no longer spy on me. It ticks me off that he blocked me from FB over nothing - keeps me blocked to this day - yet still spies on me thru alternate means. How dare he?

I hope he's one miserable dude in his "senior" years. Also hope the age difference between he and the spouse catches up to them. Grrrr... .   

^ That.

Borderlines don't recognize themselves as an active agent of their life, events are just happening to them.

Their depressive reactions take primitive forms of impotent rage and feelings of defeat by external forces

So far, my ex has not faced any consequences.

But, one day, he will be Judged for every action, and every word that came out of his mouth... .as will I.

At first, I was very bitter, wanted vengence, etc.

Now? I hope who ever he is with, even if it's with the woman he committed adultery with, I hope she sees thru his mask, and goes her own way instead of wasting her life with a monster like him.

I really hope whoever he hooks up with, if the woman has kids; that she wises up quickly and runs.

I would NEVER wish what I went through on any one.

Not even the woman that  KNEW he was a married man with kids yet chose to have an affair with him anyway.

No one should ever be treated the way he treated me. No one.

Hi goingplaces,

I've read some of your posts and you're right - no one should have been put through what you endured. I hope you are heading for a new, peaceful life!

Not feeling as angry today. I had to step back and reassess things. Even though my ex continually brags on FB about his "amazing life" and how he's so lucky to be "living in paradise", how "blessed and thankful" he is for everything - I often wonder if that's what he really believes. He let me see behind the curtain into his facade of a marriage. Yes - he went back to her after dumping me and running away. This is true. He didn't hold up any of his promises to me. However - it's a life of mundane. It is one of routine. Things are not allowed to change. It must be the same pattern day in and day out. It's not a luxurious life by any means. Both alcoholics. Both with a disorder of some type. He is BPD. Pretty sure she is, too. Their sex life dried up about fifteen years ago (or more). There is a fairly large age gap between the two of them. She being the older one. This will matter at some point.

They don't do anything. Never go anywhere. Occasionally take in an outdoor concert (if it's free). Go out to dinner at the same place - on the same day - at the same time. I believe this is "safe" to my ex. It keeps his disorder in check. No triggers.

So today I'm counting MY blessings!  And I hope that eventually one of those blessings will be the fact that the ex is out of my life. My mother tells me that he'll contact me at some point. Well - he's had almost three years to do so. I think that if it was going to happen - it would have happened already.

Thanks to everyone again for your thoughts & advice. It's always greatly appreciated!   

Yes, they are subject to the same laws of the universe which stipulate that actions have consequences, of course.  Often they do not realize that they are in control of this, however.  The persecution, victimization beliefs of the disorder often externalize the cause.  A major part of recovery for a pwBPD is the realization and acceptance that they are responsible for the consequences of their own actions.  We also must realize that our fixing and rescuing is also interfering with this important step.  We are harming by enabling.

pwBPD most assuredly suffer, and much of it is their own making.  It's natural to be angry that we have been so hurt by this destructive behavior.  It's likely as you progress in your healing that the anger will subside and you will realize that your ex was also a victim of the disorder.

Well... .one consequence my ex has for her actions is that she no longer and will not ever have me in her life again.

... .and that truly is ... .her loss 

Everything they say is a LIE! My exBPD after she broke up with me she claimed to be very happy, when I told her that I didn't care about her and I have met an another girl she freaked out. Why would any happy person freak out about this? Because she was lying.

They do suffer for what they do, they won't admit it. A while ago I saw my exBPD and she looked so messed up, I really believe she's harming herself. Is this the girl that claims on Facebook that she's so happy? I guess not.

If she told me that she was dating someone else I wouldn't mind because I gave up on her and I found an another girl who's my gf now. I know she looks way better compared to my exBPD if my exBPD would see us together she would melt even if she had an another boyfriend. They say that they're happy but it's a big illusion.

Beside don't believe what people write on Facebook. Facebook is the place for narcissists, liars, BPD's because on the internet you can be who ever you want to be, especially that person he/she never could be. I know a lot of people who seem to be so happy according to their FB but in real life they're a complete mess, depressed and are suffering kinds of mental illness.

People who're having a great life don't have time to post about it on Facebook  lol

I can say karma caught up with me because I had to suffer life with her for 6.5 years and a discard so yes no doubt your ex like all of us is not immune from pain and suffering .it may take years but at some point they like us will have rain come into their lives  :)

I could also say knowing the neurotic , distrusting, dysrythmic  selfish person she is she will never achieve a happy and lasting love as she is not capable.  funny enough I think she knows this deep down as well. One of the things she said when she left was that she would probably end up like her mother i.e 53, divorced  single and bitter

Her future will not be unicorns and rainbows despite her new awesome life and gfs , replacement etc

That's the thing.  If you wait long enough, the truth comes out.

I couldn't agree more!

I wasn't perfect, but I was real, and so was my love.

Our kids are real, and so was their love and respect.

He traded the most sought after and precious bonds for porn and affairs.

Truly, his loss!

Hi lipstick,

I am sorry to hear that you're dealing with the emotions you described. You gave that man part of your past, please don't let him have your present/future as well.

Without a doubt they face the consequences of their actions. Your ex's situation regarding the now broken relationship that he now has with you is a testament to that fact. He lost you due to his disorder, his actions/behavior. The loss of you is the consequence. Unfortunately for him, because he is so self absorbed and disordered, he cannot understand/comprehend his loss. Ignorance is bliss, so he can honestly wear the happy face. But, ignorance does not negate the consequence.

What goes around comes around. What makes you think he sees no consequence, lipstick?  If he's stalking you, things couldn't be going THAT good could they?  

lipstick,  They appear on the outside to move on while we initially languish in pain, loss, guilt and remorse. Out of site, out of mind would be a good description.  I know for a fact though that each time they screw up a relationship, a little bit more of them dies on the inside.  My ex is living her new and exciting life on facebook with her single girl's meet up group.  O the time they are having with their new friend that now goes by the nick name Wildwoman.  The funny thing is that I know what she looks like when she was happy and she looks like a complete wreck to me in the photos now.  Look very closely at their photos, the devil is in the details.  In more than a few photos, her complexion is terrible, her new experimental hair style is comical compared to her old regal style and her eyes look dead and lifeless, reminiscent of the thousand yard stare of PTSD. She may not appear to face consequences but I think she does everyday with a shattered self esteem, unsure future and the knowledge that she will never have a close relationship with anyone.  Knowing her history and propensity to overshoot her popularity and return to her waif tendency, this too will pass as her new friends will learn to dislike her and her new boy toy savior will too just like me and the ones before I met her.  She's forty, more distant, stubborn and selfish than ever, loosing her looks fast and picking up were she left off with grad school to be a librarian - running up her student loans past 60k and living the apartment life on credit cards now.  I'm sure she will find another lucky man or woman to "charm" and get herself out of her predicament by shacking up, only they too will drop her on her head when they realize their mistake. Consequences? Na, its a great feeling knowing your tired, broken, broke and unlovable.  Sarc. 

lipstick, bitter is okay, its part of our process to disconnect from this toxic relationship.  Feel it for now and you will eventually move away from this unproductive feeling towards a healthier indifference and acceptance.

More great responses! Thank you, everyone!  

It seems most are in agreement that my ex "fronts" on Facebook. I dunno. I think he really does love the life he has. I guess at this point - time will have to be my "payback" on him, if you will.  His spouse is eleven years older than him. This (in my mind) will definitely become a factor in the very near future. She is about to turn 64 (and is a heavy drinker). The ex is 52. Tick, tock, tick, tock.   I shouldn't think this way - but right now it's where I'm at. It was very hard to accept that an abusive drunk was a better choice than me. But I finally have.

Maybe he is putting up a false front. Probably so. I'll never know for sure. My mom thinks he'll come around again someday. I doubt it. If he does - I hope I don't even remember who he is by then!  

It may seem he loves his new life but I bet he also hates it. I once said to my ex that"I know she misses being fun time xxxxx". She said I obviously dont know her if thats what I think.

I realise that she wanted botboth. She wanted the happy family life and the wild fun life. This is part of the devaluation in my opinion. The fact that the wild side cant be pleased by being in a relationship.

Lipstick, I think your mother is right and when that day comes it will be important that you are strong enough to resist him.

Also, that woman he's with is in hell. You are out of it. While you are still burnt from your experience you are in a safe place where you can recover now. You are far, far ahead of her and with that in mind you aren't doing badly at all. Keep going.

Hi enlightenme!

Thank you for your thoughts on my issue. My ex doesn't have a "new" life. He was supposed to have begun that with me. Instead - he ran back to the "safety" of his dysfunctional marriage. They celebrated their 26th anniversary this past December. Both are (I suspect) BPD. This is the life he claims to love.

My ex wanted both at first as well. I said no way. We were both to have divorced our respective spouses. I followed through. He did not. I think my ex believed that if I had stayed in the home we had together - eventually I would have forgiven him. Then he could carry on a double life. Playing the role of devoted family man - yet having his "trophy" on the side. Absolutely not. I moved back to my hometown and started over from scratch.

I do think I've struck a chord with him, however. I have heard thru mutual friends that he's pi$$ed about "something". He never shows weakness in front of others - or shares his true thoughts - but if I were to guess - he's chapped because I cut off his FB "spying" on me. Tough. And Yay Me !  

Hi Mr Hollande,

My mom is pretty intuitive. And most mental health professionals that I've spoken to echo her opinion. They've told me that since the ex and I have such a long history (dated in high school and beyond) - he views me as "his". And that when he has a need or enough time has passed (in his mind), he'll circle back around. Personally, I don't think so.

His spouse IS hell. She has broken his nose, plowed into his vehicle with her own, had them banned from restaurants, acted out at his workplace (threw a glass at him). She had a history of domestic violence before they even got involved. Been together now (except for me) for 26 years. So they obviously like their chaotic "relationship". No sex, though. That dried up years ago. Serves him right!

Like I stated in a previous post - I do believe time will be my only "payback". She is 64 and is a heavy drinker. Signs of osteoporosis (her back). Other things as well. His mother's health is failing. She's in her seventies, heavy drinker, smokes. Both of her siblings died fairly young. She probably won't be around much longer. And when that happens - my ex will go off the rails. She is his biggest enabler. With the spouse coming in second. He will be lost.

And yes - I intend to keep going. Thank you!  

Just wanted to share some news. My aunt sent me a text this morning. She lives in the same general area as my ex. Also - I introduced the ex to both my aunt and uncle when we were together. We spent a weekend with them.

So my aunt ran into the ex this past weekend. She was out shopping and saw him coming towards her. She didn't acknowledge him - but stared right at him the entire time. She said he didn't look at her or act as if he recognized her. I bet he did BOTH and was pretending. 

Auntie said he looked like he was a hundred years old. Decrepit (sp?) and broken down. Hair all unkempt and pulled back in a ponytail (not new for him!) - kind of shuffling along. Said he is "not a handsome man". "Niece - you are miles above him in every way". 

This made me feel both good and bad at the same time. Like I said - time is going to be my only form of "payback". And it doesn't make me happy.     

From your description; it sounds like you are 100% better off without him... .

Focus more on your and less on him... .and this is an amazing learning experience when it comes time to move forward; at least now you know what NOT to do!  :)

That's what gets me thru the day sometimes!

Time isnt your only payback. You have probably caused him more anguish than you realise.  By going nc you have rejected him. He is now worthless. He has had to look at himself to figure out why you wouldnt want him and im sure he didnt like what he saw. No matter how much denial he applies and tries to blame it all on you he will always have that part of him that blames himself.

If he looks a mess then he is obviously having a bad time.

enlighten me,

Perhaps he has experienced anguish. I'll never know. Neither will anyone else. He is soo damn good at hiding whatever he's feeling (except childish anger!).  The only time I ever saw true hurt on his face was when he was leaving me. I was so angry at what he was doing that I shouted "This is just great. You f*cked me! I am f*cked!" - the look on his face was heartbreaking. Those words cut him to the core. But that was the only time.

I hope that he IS having a bad time. I think there is a lot going on (not good) in his world. Too bad. It didn't have to be this way. He made a choice. Now I am on his ever-growing list of "people I hurt and can no longer face". His world is shrinking. Good. Maybe he'll stop hurting those that care about him. The few that are left, anyway.

I experienced this, too... .It's so twisted. My ran off with the replacement 2 weeks before Christmas.  Left me in our home bewildered, packing her belongings, feeding her cats and putting up a Christmas Tree by myself... .not knowing of the other person... .foolishly thinking that I could "work things out"... .She is living with him and saying she met him after she left me... .LOL!... anyway... .  I get drive-byes and 'accidental' run-ins etc... .etc... .etc... .and finally I sent her a voice mail telling her to stay out of her life... .  SHE LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER GUY... .and somehow "now" she is the victim (like... "I" ended the relationship    )... because I will have nothing to do with her because of all of the lies and abuse?  These situations are soo... .soo... .sick it is mind-blowing.  All we can do... is see the reality of what is going down (even if our best friend does not), and make clear choices that help and protect us. Sometimes we think we are crazy and have it wrong... .but we do not have it wrong.  We are just interacting with very unhealthy people and their crazy-making makes us crazy sometimes for a moment.   God help all of us.

Anything else is a

Hi Infared,

Yes, it is twisted. And you can't really tell people about the experience unless they've been through something similar. Otherwise they just say "get over it", "time to move on" - crap like that. They have no clue how these folks can affect you. No clue... .

Hey Lipstick, Ill try and explain my own personal insight into your question, from my past observation this is how I perceived the term "consequences" from a BPD/HPD perspective:

A BPD/HPD can't comprehend or feel "consequences" since they can always justify, then rationalize and finally excuse their behavior that caused what a norm would consider "consequences" as a result of some offending behavior. They may experience some displeasure over a change in a situation, or feel they've been mistreated in some manner, but I don't think they equate a norms negative reaction to any particular offending behavior. Like, violating boundaries, such as going to happy hour with a co-worker until 1:00AM. "But he was a co-worker" or "you're just jealous"!. They can't, or refuse to, recognize that a mature adult in a stable, loving relationship wouldn't even consider doing that.

I really don't think an BPD/HPD can even process a norm's terminating a relationship because of the global dysfunctions. They just move on to the next person.  Furthermore, to add to this, this is why we see the so called smear campaign, they shield their guilt by making themselves the victim.  For example, in my case "You killed our baby, i hate you, I hate you for making me feel like this!" or "My son hates you because I told him you make mummy cry"  They NEED to find or use a reason to make themselves appear as if they have a legitimate reason to finally discard us, so as you can now see their way of protecting their ego is by painting themselves as the victim, so to answer your question, I personally feel that they dont feel consequences for their actions because in in their mind what they experienced through their lies is justified because others, especially friends may side and believe their false allegations .  Furthermore, they jump straight into new relationships so they dont give themselves time to process the oold, remember they are running away from their pasts, its all about creating the fantasy, as they dont process reality the same way us NONs do.

Hope that helps     

Jammo

You are spot on in that they don't equate negative outcomes as being a direct result of their bad behaviours. However I do think they suffer irrespective of whether they trace the fault line back to themselves. My ex has been stalked by previous lovers - presumably because they were unceremoniously dumped. I know that she was off work and totally stressed by it all - though attributed no blame to herself. Maybe it's a case of karma rather than facing consequences - either way they don't get off scot free for the lives they lead. 

Hey FannyB, can you now see how everything falls nicely into place based on their behavior?  For example you said "My ex has been stalked by previous lovers" Is it because shes this incredible goddess that everyone lusts for? The answer is no, she is the complete opposite, she leaves abruptly leaving the male without closure.  Now lets really think about this, a mans programmed to sort things out, whether it be settling an argument or fighting physically to settle a problem, men, unlike woman are much more forward with their actions its known as masculinity.  How many NON men are passive aggressive? not many they speak out when problems occur and they solve them.  Now with this in mind when a man is left abruptly its only natural for us to want to solve the problem, but the BPD/HPD takes away that masculinity away from us, this in turn feels unnatural to us and we seek a solution.  So the reason why she has stalkers is because shes a fisherman, let me explain this metaphor:  

The BPD/HPD is like a fisherman in a boat, they keep their hook out (always on the look out for back up supply)  If and when she feels a niggle she gets excited and reels us in, if the fish is seen as secondary supply she may throw us onto the boat (communicate) then she will throw us back into the sea (discard) she the fisherman is in control of what she does with these fish, and we were one of those caught on that rod at some point.

What im trying to explain here is that, men dont stalk because of how amazing she is, they stalk because in their mind all they want is closure, but in her mind she sees it as if shes this amazing woman that no man can resist (more HPD) when in reality the men were probably contacted by her and not replied to because they are now solely used as an ego boost.

To answer your 2nd part of the message, they do suffer but its extremely short lived, in my opinion, the suffering is faced during the push/pull cycle, but this is only because THEY are experiencing potential abandonment whether perceived or not, the push/pull is used in order to keep us there (not abandoned) until they have lines somebody else up.  So the consequences arent based on our feelings they are based on his/her fear of abandonment.  When shes texting you during the devalue process its usually because the next guy isnt texting her back or giving attention, that is why you get the I love you, then no reply for like a week, its solely because when they are pushing the other guy is giving her attention, so when she knows 100% that she has this other guy hooked sexting, nude pictures ( more HPD) she acts like she doesn't even know you anymore, she knew to avoid abandonment she had to keep us in the picture, and that is why they act like everything is perfect just before they discard us, it was only to prolong and protect themselves from their own abandonment fears.                

Yes, living well is the best revenge. You have the ability to do it - he hasn't. What more could we want?

My ex got off at every twist and turn. And just when the tsunami had settled she applied for a restraining order against me - out of the blue. She didn't need it but she did it anyway.

She sat in the witness box and in a five minute hearing cried like a distressed and fearful victim of an abuser and under oath told the court how I followed and threatened her - twice. We "made eye contact", too! She got the interim restraining order in a performance worthy of an Academy Award.

We go back for a full hearing in September but last week I was arrested for breaching the interim restraining order. Damn! I should have never followed her home from work! ;-)  I have now submitted my evidence to the court that shows I was overseas the first time I "followed" her in January. My evidence also shows I was overseas in April when I "followed" her for 20 minutes and the police accepted that I did not "follow her home from work" last week as I had both a credible witness and a digital footprint that shows my travels that day.

So will she face the consequences now? My legal advice is that she will be found by a court of law to have lied under oath and we will be taking this court finding to the family court for our settlement hearing where she demands 100% in settlement for "all the abuse". She will also be ordered to pay my legal costs so I will also being using a barrister for the full hearing which will add $4,000 to my costs. So with my lawyer's  fee, my barrister's fee and her lawyer's fee which she will ultimately all have to pay, this ferocious, unprovoked and senseless attack will cost her about $12,000. And she has been crying poor.

So yes, I think sometimes they do have to face the consequences of their actions. Hang in there... .your ex will do it all by himself just like mine did but you may never know about it. Just take solace in knowing that you are capable of living well and your ex isn't. Don't  let it get you down.

Yes, living well is the best revenge. You have the ability to do it - he hasn't. What more could we want?

My ex got off at every twist and turn. And just when the tsunami had settled she applied for a restraining order against me - out of the blue. She didn't need it but she did it anyway.

She sat in the witness box and in a five minute hearing cried like a distressed and fearful victim of an abuser and under oath told the court how I followed and threatened her - twice. We "made eye contact", too! She got the interim restraining order in a performance worthy of an Academy Award.

We go back for a full hearing in September but last week I was arrested for breaching the interim restraining order and all my neighbors and their children watched me being taken away by the police in a  Paddy Wagon  (a pick up truck with a big box in the back for the prisoner). Damn! I should have never followed her home from work! ;-) 

I have now submitted my evidence to the court that shows I was overseas the first time I "followed" her in January. My evidence also shows I was overseas in April when I "followed" her for 20 minutes and the police accepted that I did not "follow her home from work" last week as I had both a credible witness and a digital footprint that shows my travels that day.

So will she face the consequences now? Well, the police didn't charge her with knowingly making a false statement which is an offense. My legal advice is that she will be found by a court of law to have lied under oath and we will be taking this court finding to the family court for our settlement hearing where she demands 100% in settlement for "all the abuse". She will also be ordered to pay my legal costs so I will also being using a barrister for the full hearing which will add $4,000 to my costs. So with my lawyer's  fee, my barrister's fee and her lawyer's fee which she will ultimately all have to pay, this ferocious, unprovoked and senseless attack will cost her about $12,000. And she has been crying poor.

So yes, I think sometimes they do have to face the consequences of their actions. Hang in there... .your ex will do it all by himself just like mine did but you may never know about it. Just take solace in knowing that you are capable of living well and your ex isn't. Don't  let it get you down.

Sweet justice ... .

Let me share a story my lawyer dealt with just last week. It gave me a good measure of cheer.

Ex-husband always being arrested for breaching a restraining order. Ex wife accuses him of being her abuser.

Husband gets home and finds her stalking his house again. The police have never previously believed him. Ex-wife bashes him and he runs down the street to where he knows there are security video cameras. She punches and kicks him while he stands motionless.

With the video evidence in hand, the police finally believe him and she is charged with assault. Being a school principal, a conviction on an assault charge will see her dismissed from her job.

So yes, sometimes they do face the consequences of their actions. Hang in there.

Aussie,

I read your story with my mouth hanging open in disbelief and outrage. Had you been No Contact with this woman the whole time before she took legal action? Unbelievable!  Then sitting there and openly LYING in the courtroom! Why would she wish to do this?

I'm soo glad you have irrefutable evidence that she's lying. What trash she is !

Thank you for sharing the story from your attorney about the ex husband / abusive spouse. That was sweet justice right  there!  Loved it!

The only "consequences" my ex will ever face is when he loses his two biggest enablers. His mother and his spouse. The man will truly be lost when these women are no longer there to indulge his behavior. That's why I say time is my only payback with him. His family (on mom's side) is mostly gone now. Passed away. His mother is in her seventies and is a heavy drinker / smoker. I don't know if my ex will manage to outlive his spouse. He has a lot of health problems (physical, mostly) so he's probably actually OLDER than her in many ways. But she is a heavy drinker as well. So who knows?

I doubt if he even thinks about me these days. But his world is shrinking, that's for sure. I've heard thru the grapevine that the restaurant he's now working for isn't doing as well as they had hoped. The remodel / rebranding isn't bringing in the business like they had hoped. It's possible that they may decide a Sous Chef is no longer affordable / necessary and cut him loose to save money. Then that will be - let's see - six jobs in three years. Eventually, he's going to run out of places to work on his little island. Won't that be sweet?   :)

His doctors told him to retire over twelve years ago. He can't afford to do that. The spouse doesn't bring in squat with her little nothing job - and I don't believe he would collect enough disability to make their mortgage payment each month. And heaven forbid that his youngest son (who is still living at home at 25 years old!) should pony up any money to help out his parents!  I truly don't know why he calls his life "comfortable" and "blessed" and "amazing". Seems pretty lousy, in my opinion.   

Thanks again for sharing your story with me. It shows payback does happen. And you're right - I probably won't be there to see it. Darn !   :)

Glad you liked that story. In my case, I have been total NC since separation.

In the first instance, my daughter and my friends and I had a surprise encounter with the ex and her thug boyfriend when we went back to our house for me to get my things. The boyfriend was lying in wait for me with a baseball bat. The ex attended and assaulted my daughter, the boyfriend put his baseball bat away and assaulted me and my friend, the police attended and my ex assaulted a plain clothes police officer, thinking he was part of my group.

The police responded by slapping a restraining order on my daughter. When I complained they slapped one on me too. She had deep scratches on her chest (self inflicted) and claimed my daughter assaulted her. My six witnesses and the assault on the police officer were ignored by police. Again, another Academy Award winning performance form a women who has "suffered years of horrific abuse" - the assault on the police officer somehow proved it! (work that one out). And after the restraining orders were made, she rang me at 1.00am like a long last friend, drunk and very sweet and engaging - I rang the police.

My mantra since separation has been, "that woman will never see my face, hear my voice or have my attention again - except in a court of law in the short term" and I have stuck to that. I wouldn't be seen dead going down that street as it would only add credence to her vicious smear campaign. I have absolutely no interest in her and total NC on this, the final separation,  is not a problem for me.

So what did I do to her to have her respond like this? What do you think I did to her all those years - abused her or nurtured her?

I so love this story.

My ex plays cute little victim to everyone... .and EVERYONE buys it?  I was not physically abused, but emotionally. Repeatedly. She is evil. Has done viscious things and then gives cute smiley face to others that she would never do those things and obviously I am lying and everyone believes her.  I did stop fighting that battle long ago... .I relished that I just could not win it or convince anyone of the actual truth... .but I would love to see her get caught on video somehow.

Aussie... .please stay away from this'd rein... .for you.

Aussie,

I'm sure that you nurtured while in the relationship. Good Lord - she is heinous ! Words can't describe, really.

I am so, so sorry she put you through all of this garbage. Geez!

Infared,

Your ex is a nutter, as well.

Both of you gentlemen deserve far, far better. But I'm sure you know that!   

My ex doesn't have the guts to confront me. Plus - he lives two hours away and his vehicles aren't what you would call "road trip ready". He goes around on bald tires most of the time. Can't afford new ones. But can get that new cell phone, don'tcha' know! Gotta' have that in order to keep posting his pics to Facebook! Needs that attention!

Thanks to you both for sharing your stories. Awful, awful women... .disorder or no disorder.   

I love this.

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