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Title: I think My Father is BPD,Its Tearing Our lives Apart Post by: canadagrl on June 18, 2015, 01:46:46 PM Ive recently read up on BPD and I believe this describes my father.He has become abusive in the family.He starts issues within the family and has us at each others throats. Im afraid for my mother,her blood pressure is through the roof.He will not let her move from her side.We cannot settle anything,we cannot reason with him.It seems hes getting worse.He went to a pastor for "counseling" a while back and the pastor said he was right. Now he is ten times harder on my mother,and me because I try to support her.I dont want to hate my father,I just want peace but its become a living nightmare. I'll give an example.Last year when I was dating my now husband we took my mother out shopping with us in the nearby city. Like 20 mins away. She needed a day to relax.We got to looking at things and time passed and she forgot to call my father. We came home and he came running down the hallway.He said he'd called the police looking for us. Now this was a clear blue sunny day. When I checked the phone there were 10 messages left there.We got home around supper time,not midnight.He swore at us and took off out the door and peeled away in his car.We didnt see him the rest of the evening. I have no idea how to handle this behavior.Hes pitted me against my sister and her husband.Im at the end of myself.Im getting physically ill trying to deal with him.He bullies and intimidates,demands and hollers,it like a grown temper tantrum.He blames me for his marriage problems and all of the family problems.Ive had a nervous breakdown over this before and Im trying not to do that again.Ive been married 8 months and I hate to bring my husband in on all this drama,but I need his support.I just dont know what to do anymore.Sorry for venting but I just needed some relief.Thank you. Title: Re: I think My Father is BPD,Its Tearing Our lives Apart Post by: Corpal74 on June 18, 2015, 04:41:05 PM Hello. Do not apologize for venting. That is what we are here for. I too am new to finding out about my mom but after doing homework I have no doubt in my mind.
I am so sorry to hear about your BPD dad and all the turmoil it is causing in your family. When I got cancer my mom said it is probably because I am stuck an angry person... .its laughable because I am arguably one of the most cheerful people. Of course if it was caused by something emotional it would be because she is such an angry person! I hope you can find what you need on here. One pattern I have noticed on here is people mention the need to put your needs first. Just like it's hard to say boundaries for a toddler who you cannot reason with it can be alot lije that when reasoning with aBPD parent. At least I know from personal experience. Boundaries are a way to protect your mental, physical, and emotional health. As for me I would like to phone and tell a couple of my relatives to research borderline personality disorder. I see them constantly trying to figure out what they did and always apologizing. They do not see her all the time like i do. I'm the only one left in the same town add her so I know from repeted events... .that it is not in any way anyones fualt. So i wonder if you could do the same for your mom. It sounds like she could use support hopefully she gets the privacy to do that. Or you could have a conversation with her about it periodically. What do you find your dad does? Does he do the pull in and push away act? Pull you in with apologies, lies, and promises, even fake reasonableness, than push awsy again? I just started laughing... .i dont know if it's the same for your dad but isn't it funny that they know how to act sain and pretend to be reasonable ? They really have no capability to be reasonable as far as I can tell it is such deep hurt that they experience. Even if it is set of by absolutely nothing. Title: Re: I think My Father is BPD,Its Tearing Our lives Apart Post by: Kwamina on June 20, 2015, 08:27:29 AM Hi canadagrl
Welcome to bpdfamily Your father's behavior sounds very unpleasant and difficult to deal with indeed. He seems to be projecting a lot of his own inner turmoil and negativity onto you. You've recently been reading up on BPD, have you come across the BPD behavior called 'projection'? Excerpt In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts. Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings. Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others. Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way, to someone else. If you want to read more about this subject, here's a workshop in which it is discussed: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0) Many people with BPD have huge abandonment issues and struggle with an intense fear of abandonment. This fear is often irrational and has no actual base in reality. The irony is that frantic efforts to prevent or punish for perceived abandonment, often can actually result in abandonment which would then only reinforce the already present fears. When you look at your father, do you feel like he has a fear of abandonment? You also mention his bullying and intimidating. Perhaps you can benefit from an article we have here about fear, obligation and guilt: Excerpt ... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled. Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others. Do you feel your father is a controlling person and uses fear, obligation and/or guilt to gain control over others? You can read the entire article here: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog) I am glad you are reaching out for support here and hope you'll find participating here helpful Title: Re: I think My Father is BPD,Its Tearing Our lives Apart Post by: canadagrl on June 20, 2015, 08:38:49 PM Thank you both for answering. I do believe my father is borderline even more after reading both your comments.He is very controlling. We always say "he refuses to say he is sorry" He just never believes he's wrong. He blames me for the problems of the family and his marriage.I mean,I know Im not perfect,I can go about things the wrong way.But I have always tried to apologize and make things right as soon as possible. I cant possibly be wrong on every occasion,but according to him I am.He wrote me an email the other night and said I was the reason he was being rejected by my mother. She took "my side" when I walked out of their house and said I wouldn't be back.He wont apologize.I explained how it hurt me.He told me he couldnt understand why I couldnt understand he was the one that was hurt and being treated badly! He called me today and said "we need to talk!" I knew he was angry.I left town for the day and didnt call back.I know that will make his anger worse but I have no idea how to talk logically with him. He twists things that have happened in the past. The thing that hurts the most is he loves my younger sister,she can do no wrong,though while she lived at home they fought like cats and dogs.He tells me Im a bad daughter and now a bad wife,Ive only been married 8 months.My husband keeps saying there is nothing wrong,nothing he would change and that he's completely happy.But with all this drama Im getting paranoid,I have no self esteem whatsoever. I cry all the time for no reason. I will read the links posted and maybe they can help.I just dont know what to do anymore.
Title: Re: I think My Father is BPD,Its Tearing Our lives Apart Post by: Kwamina on June 23, 2015, 01:33:42 PM Hi again canadagrl
How are you feeling now? Dealing with a BPD parent isn't easy even when you're an adult. You mention crying all the time for no reason. I understand where you're coming from, but also want to say that as far as I see it, having a BPD parent gives us plenty of reason to cry :'( I hope you indeed will read the information provided. I think it might be of some help. The thing that hurts the most is he loves my younger sister,she can do no wrong,though while she lived at home they fought like cats and dogs.He tells me Im a bad daughter and now a bad wife,Ive only been married 8 months. This sounds like your father might also be engaging in another classic BPD behavior called 'splitting': Excerpt Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection. Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help. ... . Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderline's life. It seems your father might be splitting you and your sister, you supposedly being 'all-bad' and her 'all-good'. If you want to read more about splitting, you can do so here: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0) Take care |