BPDFamily.com

Let's start with the fact that I'm a serious codependent in recovery. A genuine people pleaser. I grew up with this mentality because my NPDmom had really high expectations for me and modeled me after herself. Anything out of the ordinary that she didn't approve with intense criticisn.

I once got my hair cut to a short bob after years of very long hair. Her reaction... .? "We're you trying to hurt me? Cause it worked."

And so entering into a relationship with my BPDbf, I noticed he had really controlling behaviors, abusive at times. He wanted me to dress more colorful, wear jeans, not dye my hair, not wear too much makeup or jewelry. And I followed cue. It honestly makes no sense either. He would regularly dye his rich brown hair, got pink highlights at some point, wears whatever he wants and so on.

I've had whatever amount of break away from him and went shopping today and realised that whenever I look at something I judge it based on whether or not he'd like it. When it's like, I'm my own person and I have my own taste and I absolutely love wearing jewelry and getting highlights in my hair. Why am I trying to always impress him.

The person he 'dated' recently had ridiculously damaged bleached hair with faded purple streaks, face piercings and tattoos. And they were only 2 years younger than me. There's nothing wrong with this person but it's like. What hypocrisy! They are everything you told me you didn't like.

I have to start living my own life and just being me again. Not my mom's daughter. Not my bf's girlfriend. Just me. It nearly hurts to write this. When he met me I was the closest to being me I'd ever been.

go back to being exactly you 

It's so hard, but I know you'll be glad you took this path. I realized I had issues like these when I was looking at the Redbox, and I literally didn't know what kind of movies I might want to watch if I wasn't choosing to view it with someone else.

I hope writing that out helped. Sometimes just writing something down, is therapeutic to me. I've done a lot of what I call "compromising" too, but I've realized in the past that I compromised so much that I barely ever made decisions solely on what "I" like. I'm doing better at that now, and I think once you have awareness of it, it's much easier to call a halt to it. It's a balance, like anything else. All relationships all for compromise(problem with BPD is it is rarely mutual), but we can't compromise to the point where we never make choices for our own happiness, or what suits our own taste.

If I were you, I'd go out and get highlights in my hair, and bedeck myself in a bunch of fun jewelry  I'm sitting here with both, and even my controlling BPDh, would never cross me on my jewelry! lol

I've done the same thing regarding food. There are so many vegetables that my husband doesn't like that I love. I'm tired of tailoring my cooking to his weird food dislikes. Lately I've just cooked what I want to and if he's unhappy with that, then he needs to take care of his own needs. He seldom cooks and when he does, I praise him excessively, but he complains how much work it is. Does he think it somehow is easier and takes less time when I cook? The narcissistic component of BPD is so tiresome.

Quote of the year!