BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone,

My mother has BPD and was diagnosed with it when I was 7 or 8 years old. I am now 28, and she is in great denial of still having this disorder. I am not speaking to her as of now because we just can't seem to have common ground. Everything I try to suggest or bring to the table for a solution, she shuts me down and makes it seem as if I am the problem. For example, I have offered to pay for her therapy sessions with a BPD counselor however she is very finicky about it and at first  and declined to go... .after ten minutes, she called me back and has said that she'll go then but interrupted the conversation and dove into starting a fight with me about how I affect her marriage to my father in which I replied that I am not responsible for their marriage they are. She is upset with my father because he speaks to me. Now my father has told me that if I cannot have a relationship with her then I cannot have one with him. Please know that I am extremely close with my father and this breaks my heart.

As for my childhood, my father and I both have been emotionally, verbally and physically abused by her. More so me than him because of me being a child and having to be around her more at home. I now suffer from anxiety and minor depression because of my upbringing, and I basically don't know where to turn. I, of course, would like to disconnect from her fully, but I have decided to meet her half way one more time and propose the counseling to assist her. It just seems every time I doing anything compassionate, nice, sweet... .she finds flaws in it and makes me feel bad about myself and blames me for her troubles, but I have grown to understand that I am not the one to blame. She likes to discuss the falling outs of the past that we have had, but I try to encourage her to move forward with me in a positive way... .but she still likes to dwell and fight about the past. It seems everything I say is twisted into something that is opposite of what I am saying. She has even brainwashed my poor co dependent father into believing that I am the bad guy. I live in another state and have supported them emotionally, physically and financially... .but I feel that I am meeting a dead end. I need some assistance from those with BPD parents please. I have never met anyone with a parent that has this disorder and would love to hear from you.

Thanks,

E

Hi ecg790

You've definitely come to the right place to meet other people with BPD parents! Your mother was diagnosed a long time ago. What led up to her getting diagnosed? Do you know if she got any targeted treatment or therapy back then for her issues?

It's very unfortunate that your mother now seems to totally deny still having BPD. Does she say why she believe she doesn't have BPD anymore?

Being subjected to abuse by one's own parent isn't easy to deal with. I am sorry you are now suffering from anxiety and minor depression. This is something many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with in their adult lives. Have you found ways to manage these issues?

The situation with your father is also quite unpleasant. Do you feel like your father has ever truly acknowledged your mother's BPD diagnosis?

Take care and welcome to the family

Hi Kwamina,

Thank you for replying to my post. I had hoped to hear from many about this subject, but it seems not. However, I appreciate you writing something. It's nice to be welcomed.

As for the answers to your questions, I don't believe that she has had any proper treatment in the past for this.

She says that she doesn't believe she has it anymore because when she was coming off of medication at a facility, she said that is when they said she had it... .but being off of the medication magically makes her condition disappear? Hmm... .I just can't come to terms with believing that.

I have found ways of dealing with the anxiety and depression, but it's very easy to let her get to me and automatically feel guilt and punishment from her and my father even though I know that I have not done anything wrong. It's a battle for me.

I spoke with my father today, and he said that she will try to go to the counselor. He doesn't know if she has it or not in which I explained to him that she does have it. She has all of the EXTREME symptoms and has been diagnosed with it over twenty years ago.

Thank you again for you support and love. I appreciate it and hope that others will reach out in the discussion panel.

Thanks again!

E

Hi there, I am so sorry that you are struggling. It's so hard to deal with this disorder, especially when it's your Mum.

I have a daughter, and we have the closest relationship on earth; we go shopping, talk about boys, share make up. All that girly stuff. Of course we argue now and again. She's 19 and can still get a little moody! But we have got through those 'hormonal years' and are now best friends. That's something that I saw my school friends have with their mothers. It always made me envious. I tried everything over the years to build something like that with my Mum but she just wasn't interested. When I look back at photographs, there is not one where are eyes are smiling. Do you know what I mean?

She didn't chat to the other Mum's at the school gate, she wasn't interested in building a relationship with my husband's parents, so we didn't have those big family days where your kids have all their grandparents there. There always had to be a 'reason' for her to come over, she couldn't just come for dinner and relax, and enjoy our company. And her eyes would be darting all over the place while the rest of us chatted, checking out my furniture for dust! She was unable to converse. And didn't understand comedy, so we would all sit and laugh at a silly sketch show on TV and she'd tut and look at us as if we were aliens.

She has always obsessively cleaned, and has never been able to take time out and sit and read a magazine. She would make me feel guilty, if I told her about a good book I had read, she would say : I don't know how you find time, I always have so much to do. When I had 2 young kids, a house, a husband, a job. She was retired, with no real pressure on her time at all! She judged people on their homes not their personality.

She would get agitated if me and my Dad were deep in conversation. I might be telling him about my work or a funny story about the kids, and the rest of the room would be listening and joining in and laughing. She would literally start another unrelated conversation with my kids, totally ignoring what I was saying, and would expect them to dis-engage with our conversation and join in with her one. Which they would find so frustrating and quite rude.

Anyway, the list is endless. But there has always been a problem. She has self harmed, attempted suicide, behaved extremely irrationally and selfish over the years. But only got diagnosed last year at the age of 63. This was after a family situation triggered another suicide attempt and she went completely mad, so the mental health got involved. She has been on anti depressants for 9 months, and attended weekly therapy sessions. But in my opinion she has got worse. She took an overdose just a month ago. My Dad is a prisoner in his own home. I am unable to even speak to him on the phone without her going nuts in the background.

So, although I'm sure there are many different outcomes after diagnosis, in my experience, it has not been positive. In fact she uses this as an excuse for her behaviour. After lashing out at me, and telling me she hated me, her sister said to her the next day : "you don't mean that, she's your daughter," she said, I can't help it, it's my illness. And refused to speak to me, or acknowledge the pain she had caused. It's almost given her a free pass to do as she pleases. Last week, my Dad needed to go and get something from the shops, and said he would only be 5 minutes. He got the car out of the garage and she ran into the street in her nightdress and stood in front of the car screaming at him, that he couldn't leave her. She is convinced he is going somewhere else, and is extremely paranoid. She has only been this bad since getting treatment. I spoke to the mental health team and they said that it is a very manipulative illness and by behaving like this, she had my Dad exactly where she wanted him, so it wouldn't 'be in her best interests to get better'.

I have decided to remove myself from the situation now as it was just getting too hard. My Dad is too scared to see us, or talk to us, and she blames me for the entire situation and literally shakes when my name is mentioned, and gets hysterical. So I can't see light at the end of the tunnel. To save my sanity I have to get on with my life without them in it. I have had therapy myself in the past. I don't suffer from depression in general but after a relationship break up with an NPD sufferer, I needed help! My issues with my parents came up during those sessions. I was told to confront these issues with them in a calm way, to try and get them to address my feelings and perhaps then we could move on and build a stronger relationship. At the time we didn't know Mum had this disorder. It was a pointless exercise. They were in complete denial and I was told that I was 'so emotional'. Nothing was resolved and they clearly thought they had been the perfect parents. They still do. You can't fight against that. You either have to accept it and put up with it, or decide that you deserve better, and say, I love you but I can't handle the pain anymore, I'm sorry.

I hope that you and your Mum get a better result than this. Because no matter how old we get, we really do need our Mum. And if it's at all possible to salvage your relationship, that would be great for you all. But if you can't do that? It is possible to be reasonably happy without her. I just focus on other stuff like my kids, and at the age of 44 have just gone back to college. I feel positive about the future. I get sad on her birthday and things like that but it's really very small compared to the sadness I felt on a daily basis.

GOOD LUCK !   

Ah, Ec?  I might understand.  I posted asking for help on a similar vein just about an hour ago.  You will get help, honey.  You will and right from here.  I always noticed that the postings and replies are slower in summer and on holidays.  They are coming my dear.  I'm here.  I'm here right now.

I can say that the more you read, the more you talk to others (HERE) it starts to make more horrific sense.  Sorry.  Wish it wasn't going to be horrific but I have never heard anyone say "My mother dad was severely mentally ill and it worked out great."  There is healing.  It seems to be a two steps forward and three steps back before it becomes leaps and bounds.

Tell us some more.

Hi ecg790,

I wanted to join the others and welcome you too   

I'm here because my boyfriend has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) so I'm coming at this from a different angle than you are.  Even thought the pwBPD (person with BPD) in my life isn't my mom we all of us here have so many common experiences it was such a surprise to me when I first arrived here.  That common experience and our own differences allow us all to "get it" and at the same time offer our different perspectives about a situation or question.

I'm really glad you've decided to join us and add your voice to the discussions.

So I guess I'll start at the beginning? How much do you know about BPD?  Have you done any reading? I discovered BPD by googling "chronic lying" and there it was BPD and it described my BF's ex exactly.  I read some articles on the internet and then hit the library and read everything they had and then bought a couple books of my own. 

There are 2 boards on our site one with book reviews and one with articles so you can read more about BPD and other related  subjects if you wish.

I also wanted to point out the "Lessons" links in the box to the right ---->

I don't know if anyone can make your mom go to a Therapist if she doesn't want to but we can help you with some  communication skills that might help you when talking to her about it. Here is a link to information on communication techniques https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

I'm glad you've found us we all want to help.  Keep reading, posting and asking questions... .in other words just jump in 

Panda39