BPDFamily.com

This seems like a pretty unique set of feelings that I have right now, nothing that I would actually act on, but interesting in regards to how the healing process occurs.

I feel like I want recycle with my ex out of the anger and resentment that I am suppressing beneath all of this conscious analysis of what I perceive to be the facts.

I'm curious as to if anyone has done this or thought about it before: recycling the relationship, not due to the depressive pain of missing a pwBPD, but out of anger at the situation that we find ourselves in after these relationships end. It would be a lashing out against the object that I perceive as causing my pain, but also an act of self-invalidation, in my estimation. It would only put me further away from our goal.

Of course, these feelings occur on a certain continuum of attachment, but what exactly do they indicate other than the fact that the attachment has not diminished to a point of total acceptance? Do they indicate something more troubling that I have yet to see, or should I just see it for what it is?

Hi Valet

In this hypothetical scenario of yours, what would be the goal of the 'angry recycle'? To wreak revenge or to prove something to yourself that you failed to achieve last time around?


Fanny

P.S. I do love to ponder hypothetical scenarios myself!

That's a good question.

I think it would be out a desire to relive the very beginning of the relationship, but avoid the pain that getting involved would cause.

I've read many posts that users here have felt that something was 'off' with their partners at the very beginning of the relationship. I felt the same way, but ignored my feelings.

It might be an urge to 'correct' that mistake, although 'correcting' it for ourselves would come at the expense of someone else's feelings.

Hey valet,

You mention a chance to re-do the beginning. I get the anger and I'm not judging your character. Is there anger perhaps with abandonment and this time you can abandon her before getting involved?

Hey Mutt, this is a question that I've often asked myself the past few months, but never opened up about.

I think that it is anger, driven by a fear abandonment that is nestled somewhere deep in my own personality. I don't know exactly how that fear will resolve, but it has made me question my own personality (or character, as you have described).

I think that the difference is that it would have taken much more for me to abandon her than her to abandon me, which perhaps just speaks to my own level of codependence in context of the relationship.

Honestly, however, sometimes I have these deep, ingrained thoughts that it is something more than that; a fear that I am disordered in a way that would take years and years of working on myself to 'correct', in essence. In other words, I am afraid that I am just like her.

Hey valet,

The fear of abandonment is not uncommon; the severity of the fear can have a negative impact in relationships. Did you experience loss in childhood?

Are you in T?

I think many members can relate feeling like they may have BPD, I thought so as well. In psychology a personality is a combination of characteristics and traits that make us who we are and how we think.

Possessing a personality trait found in a personality disorder doesn't mean we have a personality disorder.  

We all have personality traits and characteristics, although psychologists differ in the number of personality characteristics that appear to be distinct and unique. The degree to which we exhibit a specific personality trait varies from person to person. Some personality traits have biological roots, but all are influenced by our environment, especially our family relationships. Consequently, the millions of possible combinations of personality traits, in varying degrees, accounts for the unique individuality we all possess, but the relatively small number of different personality traits also explains why there are so many similarities between groups of people.

Possession of a personality trait found in a personality disorder does not mean that you have a personality disorder. We possess many traits in common with others, but we are all different. A personality disorder refers to a pattern of thoughts, feelings and behavior, consistently exhibited by an individual over a long period of time, that is maladaptive because it creates psychological distress and life coping problems, rather than assisting with life adjustment and problem solving.

www.psychologyinfo.com/problems/personality.html

Valet

I think I was touching on the same thing in this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=277753.0

I think that some of us may be wired in such a way that to truly get over something, we may be compelled to replay it in order to 'get it right next time'.

Are you one of those people?


Fanny

I did experience a few losses in childhood that I haven't yet really thought of as being contributing factors in any abandonment fears I have. Then again, a new question is proposed: is there such a thing as a healthy level of a fear of abandonment? The line gets very blurry for me here, since I'm assuming that at the core everyone has mild abandonment issues that don't interfere with their quality of life in a significant way.

I can't say that I fear abandonment by friends and family, and am generally very easy going when it comes to letting people come and go from my life. My instincts tend to point more towards resolving any codependency issues that were created and/or stirred up by the relationship. The attachment with my ex seems to be unique in this way. That's the thing that I struggle to understand.

I am not in therapy, but will be in the next month or so when I am in a better financial position.

I don't assume that I am disordered at the core, or that I have BPD, but I am still afraid of that potential reality at certain moments.

You could do but don't forget if you pick them up or recycle for anger or revenge I assume you probably mean sleep with them then leave. Don't forget 15 mins after you leave expect the police to  be around following up rape accusations, and oh yea they will. Just my ten cents.

The angry vengeful part of me wants to recycle with my ex just so I can abandon her with sudden NC in the exact same way she did to me in the hopes that maybe she would feel some of the pain she caused me.

In reality, I'm going to remain NC as I am now even if she ever does attempt contact. That toxic relationship has wrecked havoc on my life and I don't want to be around it ever again. I would rather put effort towards finding a healthy relationship with someone new.