BPDFamily.com

Divorce is in progress, and I have learned some things about STBX that could be very damaging if exposed.

I've been lied to and abused for years, and accepted it "for the children" until it became clear that they were suffering from contact with STBX, too.

I have not yet decided what to do.   I won't do anything at all until the divorce is final.  By then I may be feeling differently, but at this point I have a strong desire to go full scorched earth.

It's not a noble impulse, but I have gone the noble route for years, and it has done nothing but keep the peace at the expense of my self respect.  I have a real need to even the score a little, even if only symbolically.

Any thoughts?  Do I need to be talked out of this?

Well, I totally understand the impulse.  And reports around here are that it usually makes things worse, or at least be something you'll regret later, and since it's all about you now, something to consider.

I get the desire for revenge; when I learned that borderlines fear abandonment more than anything I had a big giggle of delight that I had hurt her in the best way possible when I left her.

But eventually I accepted that the best revenge is a life well lived, and a borderline's life is hell anyway, no need to pile on.

Good for you for tolerating what you did BTW, and your self respect will return, one day at a time.

I can completely understand how hurt you are and how angry.  I was too.  I think everyone here can understand where you are coming from, and we have all probably at one point or another wanted to get our ex to see how hurt we are.  I'm sorry to say, however, that your ex is not able to validate your pain.  They are in too much pain themselves.  I'm sorry for that, because I know how much we want them to see and acknowledge what they have done.  But they can't, and sooner or later we will have to accept that.  The only way we are going to get closure is to provide it for ourselves.  Seeking revenge is only going to escalate the situation.  It will only reinforce the persecution that your ex already feels, and it's likely to only lead to further acting out.  And so the cycle goes.  The way out is to detach.  This is not at all easy to do, but it's the necessary way.

Express your anger.  Let us know how much it hurts.  It's important to feel it and to express it.  Tell us how you are so angry you want to get revenge, but don't pursue it.  We understand.  We know that really you want to be validated in your pain, because you have been terribly hurt and wronged.  We all can appreciate that.  Let us support you.

Thoughts?

I didn't try to 'scorch the earth' (which is what he deserved) but I DID try to get the truth out... .

And no one listened.

And it was twisted into making ME look like I was crazy... .

No one cared.

i was only hurting me, because no one cared to hear the truth, and I was hurting the kids by 'trying to get the deaf to listen'... .it kept me angry, and depressed.

I took the high road 99% of the time and 98% of the time it came back and bit me on the a double s.

However, I kept doing it, because it's the right thing to do.

I cried myself to sleep begging God to explain to me WHY do I keep getting pooped on for doing the right thing?

But I kept doing it.

Once I let it go... .the need to be 'heard' ... and started to LIVE for me and the kids?

HE, their dad, HE started to 'reveal' WHO he really is... .they saw it / see it first hand now... .

I never needed to say a word.

NOW my kids were 17, 19, 20 when the ex, their dad's, mask fell off, and they were 24, 23 and almost 21 when

I threw him out. At their urging, because I was so depressed with him living there... .I was not the 'mom' they knew... .and they knew it was him, causing it.

It really is true when they say, living well is the best revenge.

I am in the process of 'forgiveness' and it's good for them to watch.

Today, for the first time in over a year, I said something out loud, nice about him (and it's true).

We were talking about something he built, and I said "it's because your dad is a brilliant engineer'.

It's true.

BUT it's the first time I have said something nice about him in a year.

Not that I bad mouth. I don't.

I simply do not talk about him. Ever.

Think 5 years down the road. What example are you setting today, that could benefit your kids, or be a thorn in their side, in 5 years?

That helped talk me out of the tree several times.

Your anger and desire for revenge is COMPLETELY normal.  But refrain from acting on it - you will likely come to regret it.

After I found out about my ex's infidelity, i was sorely tempted to have a "revenge affair" - I even made some moves in the direction of making it happen. But after a short time I (thankfully) had a very important realization: I didn't want her terrible decisions to determine the kind of person I wanted to be; the kind of person who was proud to look in the mirror every morning.

That single realization guided my behavior through the breakup and I've never regretted it.