BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

I really needed to join this site as I need support. I truly feel like I have the master of all masters in BPD. My husband, well soon to be ex husband.

We are currently in the process of a separation and I only recently came across BPD online. It was the FIRST time I had read exactly what I had been living with for 8 years.

And now that he has acknowledged that he has this, he is asking me to stay and help him through it, that he would stay with me if I had something wrong... .

The problem is after what I thought was "abuse" all those years I fell out of love with him. 6 Months ago I had told him I was no longer in love.

I did the worst possible thing you could do to someone with BPD , at the time unknown to me I thought he was simply the meanest person I knew and I met another man in the process of a separation and slept with him.

Now if you think someone with BPD is bad, this is when it gets really really bad.

It went from recording my confession and emailing it to everyone, to knocking on neighbours doors telling them nothing but lies, (he believes his fears are truths), told all our friends and family the worst possible things, started waking me up in the night with crazy accusations as truths and the wrath went on and on and on, legal accusations, drug accusations, all the while he was telling me he loved me.

Later to find out that he was the one for the first year and a half of our relationship messaging over a hundred women online!

Help, I literally sit here with the separation documents, in a total state of shock that not only is the person and the relationship I knew a total hoax but still finding it so hard to walk away.

Keep in mind he is HIGH functioning. Makes a lot of money, has a great persona, and no one, I mean no one can believe this is him.

First, Sadly welcome to the site.  Best place to be for surviving and leaving a BPD r/s.  You'll get a lot of understanding here.  I sat where you are 3 years ago.  Just separated from my uBPD+dOCD+Xw, she took me to the cleaner$, ugly divorce.  She stole the kids college funds and if not for receiving some money from my mother's passing, I would be penniless. My D21 & S25 live with me when not away in college.  We struggle to make ends meet but never regretted it.

My Xw was abusive: Physically, emotionally and financially.  No one believed it either.  BPD's disguise themselves very well. They're intelligent and vindictive.  Does your H have OCD? makes BPD worse, bc they play the situation over and over again in their head.

My advice: Move on. Don't beat yourself up. Don't fall in that crowd.  Your real and valuable friends will stay with you.

Hi there and welcome,

I can really understand your conflict. Have you checked out the stuff about FOG (the idea that people stay in bad relationships because of Fear, Obligation and Guilt)?

Try www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Toolbox.html which has loads of very useful stuff on it.

Personally, I have just divorced my husband of 15 years who has Asperger Syndrome rather than BPD, but the disorders have some commonalities. I stayed due to religious obligation and fear. I went from that relationship into one with a man with BPD and experienced massive guilt when I considered leaving him, after all, hadn't I said I truly loved him?

I must say, that I don't think the prognosis is good, though clearly some couples on this site have created success stories. In my case, despite my BPDxbf having 6 months DBT and 2 years Schema Therapy under his belt, he is still verbally abusive and we have been recycling every 2 weeks since the middle of March. We have now split up 6 times over tiny things that are massive to him and have had at least one major argument between splits. His self reflection may have improved a bit, but it is still ME with the anger problem, as far as he is concerned.

As far as my husband is concerned, I stopped loving him years ago due to what I felt was just plain cruelty on his part. 3 years ago, we discovered it was AS and suddenly his 'cruel' behaviour made sense. It hasn't meant he's any more able to meet my needs though. My concern for you is this: If the love is no longer there, what is going to get you through the challenging times to come?

My own experience has been that I have learnt a lot from recycling with my BPDxbf, but that learning has made me more able to leave rather than stay.

Good luck, whatever you decide. Ultimately, all other people can do is gossip if they don't like your decision and it isn't them who has to live with your situation. Have the courage to do something good for YOU.

Love Lifewriter