BPDFamily.com

13 years ago, I make the choice to become involved with a BPD woman. She was a fair maiden in distress. I was a knight in shining armor ready, willing, and able to help... . She gave me the book: "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder".

I had previously chosen to marry a woman with a ":)ry Alcoholic" personality, and had just broken up with a bipolar woman, whom I didn't technically date or have a romantic relationship with, but it would have been nice... .(Emotionally, it still would, even though she is unavailable now due to marrying her X, and hopefully I have learned my lesson by now.)

So I raised her kids, and brought a lot of peace and tranquility to the family. Problem is, the kids are grown up now, and the only one left at home is graduated from a trade school, and has a good job, so I no longer feel obliged to stay for the children, except that I feel a kinship for them because I (partially) raised them, and I fear that I'll never see them again if I abandon their mother... .Who has enough abandonment issues to deal with already... .

I don't feel any need to describe the behaviors... .Anyone that has been in a relationship with a BPD knows them all too well, and those that haven't may not be capable of understanding the scope of the issues. To me the most surreal is the unstable memories... .Makes any conversation about something that has happened in the past impossible.

I used to think that the self-sabotage part of the BPD diagnosis didn't apply to my woman... .But she has taken up drinking now (150 ounces of 80 proof vodka last weekend), and it seems like every interaction she has with me is designed to sabotage our relationship.

I tried to leave the first time a few weeks after we met. That didn't work out well for me. Neither did the next 2 times... .Though the last time I managed to mostly leave for 6 months. She is chronically ill now from alcoholism... .How can I abandon a sick lady? In any case, the alcoholism seems easier to deal with than the BPD. Slurred words and sleeping all day is easier on my psyche than constant belittlement or raging.

I suspect that in order to leave successfully that I'll have to just walk away one day without warning, and never look back. So many cool gadgets that I've collected... .So hard to decide what things I can just abandon. Cause once I finally go away next time, I can't ever contact her again. Not a text. Not a phone call. Not an eMail. Not a visit. I've been moving stuff out for years, but at some point, I just gotta stop. (Unless I like the challenge too much... I can't even imagine how boring a stable/healthy person would be to live with.)

Of course I don't have a job, or a vehicle, because I was a full-time caretaker for my woman and her kids. So where does that leave me? A 50 year old loser living with my mother?

Blah! Anyway, thanks for a great forum. I look forward to studying many of the techniques and recommendations in more detail. Here's wishing that I had discovered this forum or one like it many years ago.

You sound very frustrated... .did something happen or has this been building?

Skip: I tried to run away many times. The last few year's she has been drinking, more and more heavily all the time. Her current consumption is about 33 ounces of vodka per day. Topped off with Kava Kava. She is often falling down drunk or stoned. Can't speak without slurring, or walk, or drive to work. Getting injured in the falls.  How's that for self destructive behavior?

The alcohol dis-inhibits her, so her emotions are even more dis-regulated and erratic.  Today I told her that I wouldn't make a phone call for her. She raged a terrible nasty rage: Telling me how horribly I was betraying her, etc, etc, etc. Fortunately it was via phone. So I went home, parked the vehicle in the driveway, dropped my cell phone and camera on the cabinet, grabbed two boxes of the most precious things that I hadn't already hauled off, then got in a friends truck and escaped. I am not going back. I will allow no-contact. Sorry that it has to be that way, but... .

I'm 4 hours NC so far!

5 days so far with no contact... .She sends a couple eMails per day. I don't respond. She texted my sister-in-law at 5 in the morning. SIL didn't respond.

The most recent email was begging me to "come home". Thing is, it's never been my home. I've always been a guest or a visitor. Even after 13 years together she hadn't made room in the bedroom dresser for me to put my pants and socks. I only would have needed 1 of the 6 drawers. 

I became aware in recent months of the term "gaslighting". It's a term derived from a movie in which an evil husband turns the gas-lights down a little bit lower each night, and when his wife asks about it he says, "They look the same as always to me", until she eventually goes crazy... .My BPD sufferer would say things to me like, "You over salted the vegetables". Problem with that is that it was her that put the salt on the vegetables.

You made the right decision to leave after that ordeal.  You gave a good update about how your ex is doing/behaving.  What are you up to?  How you feeling?

I am in a 13 years relationship too, seems you are very brave in doing this. I couldnt do it and the relationship ended when she walked out. I tried several times and i didnt know what i was dealing with and always got recycled. I only found out what was BPD or PD one month after I am out and it all makes sense of her behaviour.

You are really brave and I know its very hard to do it, stay strong.

Wow. Congratulations man. What you did is very difficult. Congratulations on protecting yourself and your needs!

35 days no contact so far... .

Well, she sent me a 20 paragraph long email today, telling me how I love playing the martyr role, and how I resented her, and how toxic I am, and how everyone that knows both of us is astonished and ashamed by my actions, and how I was always distancing myself, and not providing affection, and how I left the house and the yard a mess, and how I never did anything around the house, or the yard, and how the orchard was terribly neglected, and how hateful my words were, and how I betrayed her, and how she was the anchor in our relationship, and how she suffered because I stayed home to raise her kids for her, and that it was a red flag that she called me 'husband' while I called her 'girlfriend', and how I'm now dead, and how she's going to die very soon, and that my phone has been disconnected, and how she's deleted my family's numbers from her phone, and how much she is crying and hurting, and how everything I had was given to me by her, and how disgusted the kids are with me, and how I implied this or that about her, and how worried my friends are for her, and how uncommitted I always was, and how divided my loyalties always were, and how I want people to worship and adore me, and how I am at the center of a world full of wide-eyed blind worshipers, and how I wasn't providing emotional support therefore it was ok for her to withhold intimacy, and  how I want everyone to think that I am 'the most' organized and methodical person because of my occupation, and how much chaos I left behind that it will take a whole neighborhood to clean up, and how all the neighbors are shaking their heads at me, and that she is dying from a death sentence just like her father, mother, brothers, and sister, and how resentful I felt towards her, and what a burden I thought she was, and how abusive her mother was to her father, and how disappointed her doctors are in me, and how messed up my mother is so that makes me messed up, and how her skin is coming apart, and saying that she doesn't want to die slowly like her father, and how compassionate one of my friends and her father were, and she assigned me a new name, and described how I ceased to exist by slowly and methodically destroying myself, and how she mourns and laments because I have died, just like her family.

Blah. Don't worry, I am not going to respond. There is nothing to say. I can't envision any good that would accrue to her or to me by having any further interaction. I have already written off my tools and winter clothing.

In the 35 days since I ran away, I have only been b___ed at twice, and both times were by strangers on the street. So no worries... .A lady's dog attacked me because she was letting it run loose, so I hissed at it and scared it off. She threatened to call the cops on me. And there was a man that was just a generally grumpy man that probably snarks at everyone that walks past his yard.

I have been enjoying visiting with friends and family. I've been biking or walking to get places. I sure am getting fit and trim. I've been eating great food with lots of spices. I don't have to eat or drink things any more that I don't want to just to try to keep the peace. I am styling my hair how I like it to be styled. I am wearing clothes that I want to wear. I don't have to prepare explanations to account for every minute of my time. Every member of my current household washes dishes, and cooks meals, and weeds the garden, and mows the lawn, and vacuums, and etc. Those are not my exclusive chores any more. I can visit family whenever I want.  I am not getting up 20 times per evening to fetch things for people. They get up and fetch their own things. The house is not piled floor to ceiling with stuff that hasn't been used in over a decade.  

None of the kids have written me. That hurts. If I couldn't help their mother, then they really can't help her, but they could at least stop telling her that she isn't an alcoholic.

It still sucks to have just walked away without warning or proper preparation. But I did the best I was able to do considering the circumstances.

The other day I was play-acting with a friend. We were pretend b___ing at each other like our borderline Xs used to b___ at us. I had to stop that immediately. It induced so much stress that I got a charlie-horse in my back... .

Anyway, thanks for letting me  rant... .It seems so surreal to take a 20 paragraph message and condense it down to one long run-on sentence. I can shake my head at the condensed version.

My mantras recently have been:

I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it.

I love and completely accept myself, even if ________________.

My feelings vary from day to day, and hour to hour... .

Sometimes I feel angry at her that she knew since before she met me that she suffers from BPD and as far as I can tell did nothing to try to resolve it other than give me a book about BPD (Stop Walking on Eggshells). I feel angry regarding her denial of drinking too much.

I had a panic attack the other night because I dreamed that I called her up just to chat. I was way upset with myself for even entertaining the idea. Chatting didn't help before, it especially won't help now.

Sometimes I feel angry at myself, for questioning my sanity, and for wondering if I really did the right thing. I think of myself as moderate and measured. I like habitual behaviors. The sudden change in circumstances is unsettling to me. I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel bad, wondering if I'm too messed up to see the horrible wrong I have inflicted on her.

I miss chatting on the phone about our daily activities. I miss the daily routine.

I feel hope about the future for the first time in ages.

I feel sad about the shattered hopes and dreams. I feel sad about the kids, and especially about the one that is still at home. He's an adult, but he'll end up bearing the brunt of whatever fall-out there is from my leaving.

I feel content about the friends and family that have offered comfort and condolences and given of their time to help me adjust. I am enjoying the freedom to be myself. I've made a point of meeting lots of new people. That feels good.

I am being hyper-cautious about screening people I meet, and running the other way as quick as possible if I detect the slightest thought  that they might need to be rescued.

37 days so far with no contact. So far, so good.

I was invited to lunch at a friend's house the other day. She and another friend were fixing a meal together. I laid on the floor in the other room and listened... .They were chatting about the meal,

":)o you think garlic would go good in this?",

"Oh Yes! and how about a bay leaf?",

"Certainly, but not those, I have a special variety from India.",

"Marvelous!".

"How about some beans?"

"They give me too much gas."

"Ok. let's skip the beans then."

And it went like that for a good hour as they decided on ingredients and chopped them, and chose spices, and etc... .It was a soothing cadence of joy and peaceful cooperation... .

With my BPB sufferer conversations about fixing food usually went something like:

"Can I put an onion into the soup I'm making?"

"You never listen to me, I told you I hate onions."

"How about some salt?"

"You always oversalt everything!"

"OK. I'll leave the salt out."

"Then the food doesn't taste right."

"How about if you salt the soup?"

"You always make me do all the cooking."

So I'm grateful for good friends, that show me that the way I have lived for the past 13 years is not the way it has to be. It is very possible to live in harmony with those around me.

Tonight I read one of the lessons about "No Contact". Thank you to all that initiated and contributed to the lesson. I feel like I have been misleading myself, which means I have been misleading you. I apologize for that... .I have been saying that we were no contact, but she's sent some eMails that I have read, but not replied to. My bad... .If I had been truly no contact, then I wouldn't have read the emails. Reading them just upset me, and caused stress and charlie horses, and I became sleepless. And with stress and sleeplessness for a few nights I felt like I was coming down with a flu which caused even more stress.

This morning I added her known email addresses to my spam filters. Perhaps that will help.

There is no good that can come to me from reading any further messages that she might send, or that she might send through a proxy. We couldn't even successfully discuss how to make meals, why should I continue to hope that anything more important could be discussed?

There is no good that can come to her from continued contact, because every problem is always and forever my fault.

Sir, you never responded. Your no contact. I think you should respond politely and let her know something. I'm sorry your hurt and I know this is a confusing time. We're here to help.

Sometimes we are in a place where we need not to see, hear or know about them to heal. Yes reading the emails isn't technically no contact but its pretty close.

Is there much chance of you running into your ex?

I'm currently living 25 miles from my ex. Her work and habitual shopping places are in the opposite direction of my place and my work... .So casual contact is highly unlikely.

However, in the past when I've ran away I've went to my mother's, and she has shown up there to beg/coerce/bribe me back. She may assume I followed the same pattern, and I may assume that she will. I still work in the same places.

In the past when I ran away I still answered my phone. This time I got a different phone number and haven't published it or shared it with anyone that she knows. I sometimes think that I should tell her son-in-law, but I haven't. I don't want to burden him... .But I so want to tell my side of the story... .I studied BPD extensively for many years... .I couldn't help her. I barely managed to help myself. Her kids are in denial about her condition, and I don't think anything I could say to them would help.

When her ex husband ran away she ran over him with her car. I work outdoors.  I've scouted out all the places that I commonly visit, and planned escape routes from all of them that take me cross country or over fences where she can't follow in a vehicle. I'm training in sprinting so that she can't follow on foot.

I wonder if she will ever be sober enough to drive a vehicle again?

Sometimes I chide myself for being overly-paranoid, and for planning for scenarios that may never happen. But then I reflect on how things were and say, "If she'd rage over how I comb my hair, then there is no telling what she might rage about."

Yes it might seem paranoid but if she has done it before then she could do it again. Better safe than sorry.

I can understand you not wanting to talk to her. Just getting up the courage to leave is hard enough without having to face them and explain yourself. Especially if like my ex you don't know whether your coming or going and they can twist your words so by the end of it you haven't got a clue what you want.

How do you feel about giving her closure?

enlighten me: Thanks for asking... .

I sure know the feeling of twisted words, and questioning if I am the one that is causing the chaos... .One time when I left we quarreled by eMail. That was glorious to me, because it left a paper record of what was actually said. Re-reading the messages a few years later gave me clarity that my memory really is stable and consistent.

I don't think that any sort of closure is possible for her... .I can't tell her that I left because she has borderline personality. I can't tell her that I left because her alcoholism magnifies the borderline traits. She would deny both... .I can't tell her that I left because her constant belittling comments became unacceptable to me. She'd just say that if I can't handle the bad then I don't deserve the good. Or that she never belittles me that she just gives constructive feedback and that I'm hyper-sensitive because my mother was borderline. Or that I was having an affair.

I was getting along passably with BPD and might have stayed for the rest of her life if she hadn't become an alcoholic... .My general feeling was that the alcohol was a day-to-day choice. It was less easy to forgive her for that than for the borderline. I acknowledge that not attempting to heal from the borderline is also a choice. She knew before I met her that she had BPD.

Communication with her is just so crazy and so disconnected from reality that nothing that I could write to her would be understood the way I intended. Perhaps one of these days I'll write a letter to her, but it will be delivered to a bonfire, and not via post.

Sometimes its good to put it all down on paper even though you will never send it.

For me all I told my ex was that "It wasn't working and for both our sakes I think it is better if we split up".

I like you realised that whatever I said would be thrown back at me and twisted and would leave me feeling worse off.

Im sorry if asking that question upset you in any way. Its just that for me letting her know it was over was one of many steps to me disconnecting from her and moving on with my life.

EM

Enlighten Me: No worries about upsetting me... .I'm going through an upsetting time of life, and this forum and your questions in particular help me to make sense of it. I especially value the advice and questions of people that are well into the healing process. I also love reading posts from people who are still enmeshed in the chaos. I smile because I was there a month ago, and now I'm not. Their posts give me hope that things can get better, both for me and for them.

There is hope and it does get better. Take it from someone who didn't learn the first time around so found himself another pwBPD.

Its baby steps and theres no quick fix but slow and steady wins the race.

Keep posting and reading it was one of the biggest helps I had.

EM

Day 44 of no contact.

This morning I felt like cyber-stalking my X. Just to see if she is still posting rude comments to her favorite political commentary web site. I resisted the urge, but was hard on myself for the wish. Spent the rest of the day grumpy... .

49 days with no contact... .

I went to a party a couple of days ago, and a guy was hitting on me the whole night. He invited me home with him. I declined his offer. The attention was nice, but I'm enjoying peace these days. Don't feel like adding drama to my life.

Nobody has coerced me, under threat of dysregulation, into watching a TV show for 49 days now. That is a glorious thing to me. In my ideal world, my home would not have a television in it. In the home of my pwBPD the TV was on 7 hours per day... .

Gaslighting is my new favorite word! I learned it a few weeks ago, shortly after my ex acted like I was a clingy psycho for calling him even though he was the one who'd insisted we had to stay friends after the break-up. A friend said, "He's gaslighting you!" and then had to explain it to me because I'd never heard it before, but since then I feel like it's popped up somewhere at least once a week. Good word. (And I had seen the movie, so I totally got it.)

I walked away one day without warning.  It's the only way I could leave.  I'M SO GLAD I DID.  I didn't even text him goodbye or leave a letter.  I didn't tell him where I was going, nothing.  I left while he was at work.  Once he found out about 8 hours later, he threatened to kill himself.  He emailed me, text and called every day for the first 2 weeks, begging me to come back, that he couldn't live without me and how sorry he was for everything.  He begged me to tell him where I was and he accused me of finding a new boyfriend and living with him.  So even after I left him, he was still accusing me of cheating on him.  I never called him like he wanted and he still doesn't know where I am.  He was stalking me on Yelp and since I reviewed restaurants we never went to together, he accused me of having a new boyfriend.  He was stalking me on dating sites and Facebook.  He hasn't emailed me in about 4 days so hopefully he has realized I'm not coming back this time.

I can't even imagine how boring a stable/healthy person would be to live with.)

I am a Non-married to a Non.  I think that the relationship is more like two people walking hand in hand to offer each other comfort, harmony, sense of safety and companionship.

Our sources of "excitement" and "rush" are NOT each other, but events, ideas, things outside of us.  His is music and motorcycles, mine is books. (Planning to go back to school for a Ph.D. just for the fun of it when kids are out of the house.)

So the last thing we want from each other is "stimulation"... .to the contrary, what we want from each other is comfort.  Our "stimulation" comes from concerts, theater, traveling... .things we do together.

I thought that I'd share an alternative perspective with you.

It is life that is a drama... .it should not be our partners who should be a drama... .because the former stimulates and sustains us, the latter destroys us.

You should have left a letter.

During the course of our relationship, I sent hundreds of texts and emails, explaining how some facet of why the relationship wasn't working for me. Every one of them only made matters worse. I can't envision any way in which a final letter would have helped me or helped her. Anything I wrote in it would have been used as an excuse for painting me blacker. The mere fact of writing a letter would have been used to enlighten her  acquaintances and family about what a coward I am for not talking to her, and how weak and non-committed I am for running away in the first place. And what a betrayer I am for leaving a sick old woman to die.

She has known for 13 years that it wasn't working out for me, and she knew it was because of the BPD. She has known for the last few years that the alcohol was causing even more severe dysregulation and that it is killing her.

I can't envision any way that a letter would have helped. I left spontaneously in order to protect myself. The most important thing to me is that I escaped... .Why would I perform and act of kindness by writing a letter as a parting gift to someone that has caused so much pain and confusion to me over the years? I didn't need to write a letter for my own sake, and I certainly felt no duty to write one for her sake.

Sir, with all due respect, you're more likely to be stalked as a result of you ghosting them. Trust me.

Stalking is one of the lowest priority issues on my list of worries.  If I have the courage to walk away without leaving a letter, then I surely have the courage to walk away if I ever see her again in person. And so what if she cyber-stalks me? I had the courage to walk away, surely I have the courage to live a life of No Contact, regardless of what she is doing or not doing: regardless of any electronic messages she tries to send. To me, No Contact means that I don't think about her. I don't wonder about her. I don't pay attention to what she is fussing over, or who she is talking to. I don't fuss over what I might have done differently.

It doesn't help to tell "the escaped" after the fact what they "should" have done. A letter months after the fact isn't going to help, so no point fussing over woulda, coulda, shoulda. It was a bad experience and we escaped as best as we could. If they stalk us because we did something wrong, then we will again escape as best as we can. The error in judgment for me occurred 13 years ago when I got into the relationship. It didn't occur 51 days ago when I went full No Contact without leaving a letter behind.

Hi Hurting

I can understand your feelings on this matter as this is what your ex did to you when she left with your daughter.

I understand that it may be triggering for you to see others do it.

What you have to bear in mind is everyone is different. We cannot force our expectations on others. For some walking away without explanation is the only way they can get out. Just stopping to write a letter could be enough to prevent them from getting out.

Im not saying it is the right thing to do and Im not saying its wrong. Everyone has been through a similar ordeal but no two are identical.

Please bear this in mind.

EM

A pwBPD have different characteristics, traits, severity a long a continuum and not every person has the same personality and all react the same way?

I think we have choices with boundaries, a protective outward layer to protect our morales and values and we don't need to offer an explanation with our boundaries if we chose not to if hundreds of emails and texts have been sent?

You know her better than anyone on the boards 13YearGoodbye. I don't think that there's a right or wrong.

We have seen this (running away) in domestic violence cases. I believe you when you say it sucks but it was the only option. What was happening in the relationship that made this the plan? You said it was spontaneous - did you plan it or just go one day?  What happened?


13YearGoodbye, as you say, what is done is done (history).  

At the same time, there are many things that can still done (future).

This surely affects the children and other family members who have know you for so many years.  It's really up to you to extend a hand back to the kids if you want future contact. Do you want to have any level of a relationship with any family members? 

53 is not to late to tie up some of these loose ends if your want to.

Skip, any chance you could install a "like" button?

About 6 years ago I paid a phychologist $100 for an hour of his time to help me sort through what to do with my relationship to the BPD... .He was about 80 years old and had seen it all. He accurately described everything about the dynamics of our relationship: About her actions, and my reactions. He offered me two paths to stay in the relationshp. The first was complete and total passiveness on my part, and the other was narcissistic dictator. I chose passiveness, which better fits my way of dealing with the world. He said that he was absolutely not capable of helping anyone with BPD. But referred me to a clinic in a nearby city that practices DBT. That would have required her consent.

He also told me that he believed that the only way for me to get free was to just walk away one day with no contact after. He even told me that it was a horrible thing to do. So for the past 6 years I have frequently  thought that I would eventually ghost. Especially after the alcoholism dis-inhibited her normal dysregulations it got too ugly to stay.

I knew two months before I finally ghosted that I was going to leave and not go back this time. But in order to keep some semblance of peace at home, I had to keep physical preparations very low key (she was too hung over to go to work during those two months). So when I finally ghosted it was premeditated, but it was also spontaneous: Because I fled one of the most intense dysregulations ever.

The dysregulations were mostly always about something stupid like whether the end of the toilet paper should hang off the front of the roll or the back. And I'm certain that she frequently gaslighted about which way she would like it to hang. Because no matter how I'd put it on, it would be wrong. She'd say that I was betraying her, and never listening, and purposefully sabotaging her. Over how I hang a roll of toilet paper on the wall? Oh my heck! Eventually I refused to hang toilet paper, and would leave the roll sitting on the counter-top. Then I was just a lazy slob, which is easier for me to handle psychologically.

The final dysregulation was in regards to me not agreeing to make a phone call to her daughter's (I suspect also has BPD) landlord over a maintenance issue. Don't you know that as a man I have magical powers to persuade landlords.  I might fall prey to my woman's BPD, but no way in heck that I'm going to get involved in her daughter's.

The trigger for me was the alcoholism... .two months before I left, she drank 150 ounces of  80 proof vodka in a weekend. That landed her in urgent care for alcohol poisoning. Even though the lab tests clearly showed that her liver was shutting down, she denied being an alcoholic. That's when I started monitoring her alcohol consumption. The two months before I left it averaged 33 ounces per day of vodka, and the trend-line was upwards. So all the normal BPD problems and issues were magnified because the alcohol dysregulated her even further. On top of that she was often falling down drunk and/or slurring her words so badly that I couldn't have understood what she was saying even if she were not speaking out of the emotional make believe world in which emotions are substituted for memories and facts. And of course I kept getting painted blacker and blacker for "not listening". It's really hard to understand speech that so slurred that there aren't any consonants.

The only family that I know from her side are her X husband which I've met a few times, her children which I partially raised for her, and her brother which I have met less often than her X husband.  I don't think she had friends other than me. At her daughter's wedding, she spoke to her X in the same disrespectful way that she speaks to me. I laughed my head off about that!

Some of the kids I might like an ongoing relationship with, others not so much... .I figure that there is time to deal with that later on: Perhaps after their mother meets her doom from alcoholism, or breaking her head during a drunken fall. I sound so snotty and bitter today... .I don't feel that way, it's just nice to finally say how things actually are instead of saying "Oh she's sick with a nerve problem."

Perhaps in 6 months or a year I'll reach out to the kids.

I understand. It helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes.

That was really extreme advice... .and coming from a single therapy session. Did he actually suggest just vanishing? Did he say why?


What was this all about?  How did she react.


33 shots a day? That would kill most people. Had she become a dysfunctional fall-over drunk?  What drove her to this?

www.recoveringaddict.hubpages.com/hub/Drinking-Games-How-Many-Shots-Would-it-Take-to-Kill-You-Find-Out-Here




Did you bond with the kids over that 13 year period or was there a lot of conflict in the house?

Hi, 13 year!

Your situation sounds really tough and it sounds like you hung in there as long as you possibly could.  My situation was different and similar all at the same time.  I am now two years removed from the r/s and while I couldn't completely vanish after I left the r/s, I had to go hardcore n/c to avoid any communication with my ex gf and her three young kids.  They lived on the same block with me.  After about 6 months of n/c and countless attempts by her to break it, she finally moved to a different area of the city.  I hadn't heard from her in almost a year and then she texted me a couple weeks ago.  No big deal.

I can see it in what you have written that you have nothing left to give and need to 100% separate from the r/s.  I felt the same way.  It was the only way for me to get the peace I needed to focus inward and repair the most important r/s in my life = with me!  I could no longer be true to myself and accept the abuse and chaos in my life.  I too felt the guilt and anger of not being able to maintain a r/s with the kids while at the same time knowing it was the only way to extricate myself from the utter unhealthiness.  I tried to explain the situation to people around me and other than my T, no one could relate to what I dealt with in a r/s with a BPD/NPD partner.  Two years removed and I clearly see that this is not the way healthy r/s look and feel.  Life goes on my friend.  Stay true to yourself and keep pushing forward.  It is going to feel confusing, lonely, desperate, etc. and that is what happens with you leave these r/s.  Again, I'm two years removed and my life is so different from when I allowed myself to be captive in such an unhealthy r/s.  I did find a great T to help me through it and to help me focus inward.  You will find your answers, too... .

I interviewed perhaps a dozen therapists before settling on one that I thought had the wisdom to help me. I shared background details during the interview process. Then I had to wait to get in to see him for about a month while he recovered from surgery. He was very old... .Before I met him, I had devoured "Codependent No More", and "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and was doing a decent job of implementing the suggested techniques. So by the time I talked with the therapist, we could use short phrases like "splitting" or "rescuing" to convey vast arrays of behavioral patterns: Both hers and mine.

Yes. He suggested just walking away with no explanation if I chose to leave. The reason he gave me was along the lines of no explanation would be adequate, and explaining or maintaining contact would only keep me enmeshed in the relationship. Also, he felt like telling a pwBPD that they are about to be abandoned is not the safest activity that one can engage in.

Dysregulation just happens. It's not possible to make sense about why, or how, or what the triggers happen to be for any particular dysregulation. It's just dysregulation. And alcohol dis-inhibits the dysregulation even more.

Her weight is around 250 pounds, so spread out over an entire day that makes the BAC around 0.21% or about half the LD50. Yes. I took her to the doctor or urgent care many times because she got drunk, fell down, and hurt something... .She is covered with huge bruises... .Two months before I left I  took her to urgent care for alcohol poisoning.  Sometimes she'd fall down on the floor and stay there for hours... .I figured that if the house ever caught fire while she was too drunk to get up that I'd have to abandon her because she's too heavy for me to move. Every time she got up to go pee during the night, I'd curl up in a fetal ball so that if she fell on me that she'd be less likely to break my arm or leg.


She has BPD... .One of the diagnostic characteristics of BPD is self-destructive behavior. So the simple answer is that it's just the nature of her mental disorder. The more complex explanation  is that she had a bad reaction to a flu shot, and it caused a lot of nerve pain, and the alcohol helped to numb the pain.

I was driving her to work because she was too sick to drive herself... .That was horrid for me, because it didn't allow my routine coping mechanism of withdrawing from conflict, because I was trapped in the car with her for an hour a day. It also didn't allow me to work out of town a few days a week to unwind. Now that I am out of the FOG, I'd say that I drove her to work because she was too drunk or too hung-over to drive herself.

I could forgive her for BPD. She had that when I met her. I had been dealing with it for years, and was doing a fairly decent job of it. Sad that she wouldn't take any steps to try to heal herself, but whatever. I'd made my choice and was willing to live with the consequences. I couldn't however forgive her for the recently developed alcoholism, because that seemed like a day-to-day choice to purposefully make things worse for herself and for me.

When I first got there, conflict was common: Hours long screaming fits between the kids and their mother... .Eventually, the hours long screaming fits were reduced to holidays like thanksgiving and Christmas. Then they became cuss-out sessions directed at me before the kids arrived. One thanksgiving I kept a moment by moment journal of every cross word she said to me... .I just found that this evening... .Oh my heck! It is surreal.

I'm an introvert. I don't know how to answer a question about bonding with the kids. I took care of them, and nurtured them, and fed them, and helped them with anything they asked for hep with. I brought peace into their lives. I don't know if they will ever appreciate what I did for them, and for their mother. That labor of love is not undone just because I'm not taking care of their mother any more.

So last night, I was emptying my spam folder, and there was a letter from my X in there. And just to show myself how dumb I am, I read it. The message was a suicide note... .

I felt so relieved. Relieved for her that her pain was finally ending. Relieved for her kids. Relieved for myself. And guilty for feeling pleasure at the thought of her demise... .Then the self-doubt and second guessing kicked in... .Do I get involved? Or is this just one more ploy like every other ploy to get me re-enmeshed in chaos? It was about midnight when I got the message, so I didn't feel like disturbing my support network. I was all alone to handle this one. So I fussed, and sat there in a stupor: Unable to act. And unable not to act. I was trapped between  the pain of 13 years of disfunctional chaos, and the past 51 days of blessed tranquility. I felt unwilling to give up the tranquility, so I couldn't act... .But  the kids would suffer at her demise, so I couldn't not act.

If she shot herself, then it doesn't matter if I acted or didn't act. Her son would have heard the gunshot. If she poisoned herself, should I allow the poison ample time to work? Or should I call a suicide line?

The email could also be read as a murder/suicide note, so I had to ponder how to protect myself and my family if she showed up intent on taking me with her. That was easy... .I warned my family, and locked the doors of the house, and got my deer hunting rifle out of the safe and kept it close at hand for the night. In thinking about it later, that seems like a dumb idea, cause I don't think I'd shoot her even if she were asking for it. Hmm. Suicide via X-boyfriend... .I wonder how often that happens among BPD sufferers?

Finally about 3 hours later, I had a moment of clarity, and sent a text to her son that is living with her, telling him about the email, and asking him to not tell her that I read her email nor that it affected me. I also gave him the local suicide hot-line number.

Then I went to bed.

In the morning I texted a similar message to one of her son-in-laws. He got right back with me, and later in the day texted again saying that she is ok. I suppose that she was drunk out of her mind when she wrote me.

Since I didn't get much sleep last night, I took the day off from work, and visited my support network instead. That was so nice! And I feel good that I gave contact details to some of the kids.

You handled it well and responsibly. They will keep an out out for her now.

68 days for me so far!

I still don't like that I ran away. But if I had it to do over again I'd still run away, so I get to make my choices and live with the consequences.

I intend to live peacefully with those around me. 68 days of peace and tranquility has been a blessing to me. I've lost 15 pounds since leaving. I suppose stress weight... .

What exactly is a narcissistic dictator?  Someone who just doesn't care about the pwBPDs needs?

Exactly!  It's hard to get sucked into drama that you don't care about! I suppose that my therapist was thinking that narcissists are able to get along tolerably well with pwBPD because they don't care... .Flood after flood of instability and dysregulation can wash over them without causing harm... .I suppose the recommendation of complete passiveness is the same idea... .Doesn't matter what the pwBPD is doing, it doesn't have anything to do with the partner... .

72 days no contact for me...

Thanks for your postings to the forums. I'm having a ball reminiscing. Reading the things that you write about your pwBPD that so closely mirrors my experiences. I'm loving the descriptions of your feelings, and second doubts, and insecurities about your choices. I'm learning from your successes and your failures. Thanks for sharing.

The next task that I have set for myself is to explore the independence/engulfment dynamic more fully. I'm looking forward to what I'll discover about myself, my childhood,  and my manner of dealing with those around me.

Hi 13yearsgoodbye

Your last post was a big step for me. Looking at yourself and why you did what you did can be very eye opening. I realised that Ive always been the white knight trying to step in and save the day. Im prone to people pleasing and always want people to think the best of me. I still haven't worked out why I did this though. My FOO isn't messed up. An overbearing mum and a quiet dad but no real drama or incident. Part of me feels that I am just wired that way. Now that Ive seen it though Ive changed quite a bit. In the past if someone had a problem I would wrack my brain to try and find a solution. Now I don't offer help unless asked for or if there is an obvious solution that they can do for themselves. In the beginning it was uncomfortable just to stand back but now Im reaping the rewards. Im less stressed and have more time and money for me and my boys.

I hope you find the answers that you are looking for.

EM

I have decided that it's not wrong for me to nurture people... .I'll continue to nurture anyone I want whenever I feel liIke it... .What I'm not willing to do any more is to nurture because of Fear, Obligation, Guilt, or Shame.

My life has been filled with peace for 79 days now. My X-pwBPD, sent 4 emails in the last couple days, but I let them wash over me like water over a fish. No big deal. She says that she's on her death bed, and that me and the doctor that diagnosed her as an alcoholic were wrong, and lots of other things that were supposedly written about who I am, but there is so little in what she wrote that is even remotely connected to my reality that I just shrugged them off. She was telling me for example what my feelings are... .She told me that I had trespassed though the neighbor's yard to steal from her. (The reality is that I have been pure no contact. I haven't even driven past her house.) Things like that which are totally devoid of a connection to physical reality.

I had told myself that I was going to respond next time she wrote me... .But there was nothing to respond to. I couldn't imagine a single good outcome to me, or to her, if I were to respond. So I remain no contact.

And in my self-explorations, one thing that keeps coming up over and over again, is that I hitched myself to a woman with a mental illness. That goes a long way towards describing my actions and feelings. I did what I had to do to get by minute by minute and month to month.

I've been enjoying cleaning house and washing dishes at the houses of friends and family, and noticing the PTSD feelings and emotions that often arise within me. It's nice to share and explore the emotions, and work on ways of defusing them.

85 days of NO CONTACT. So far, so good.

Two of the 4 kids responded to my condolence text message regarding the passing of their cousin on my X's side.

His obituary stated something along the lines of:  "He died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack". I was totally expecting it. He must weigh around 600 pounds! Morbid obesity is common in the family, as is the disconnection from reality, which would call his heart attack unexpected, or that would say that my X is not an alcoholic.

Oh well, it's not my problem any more. Didn't cause it. Can't control it. Can't cure it.

It was good to hear from a couple of the kids.

91 days no contact.

Well sorta. She sent another email today. The meanest and blackest yet. And the most disconnected from reality. I was so disinterested in it that I didn't even read the whole thing. As usual it was surreal. She said that she slept the summer away because she had mono. The truth is that she was passed out from alcoholism. I don't expect her to ever admit to that. The letter was full of projection, and of something that I don't have a name for, where she was claiming credit for good things that I did, as if she was the one that did them. And that I am a black-eyed hater/betrayer that never did a single good thing around the house. The truth is that I routinely and cheerfully cleaned the house, the dishes, the stove, the laundry, the yard, etc... .Enough ranting from me for the night.

I expect another even blacker email for Thanksgiving. which was typically the occasion for her worst rages. In anticipation I trained my email program to auto-save them into a hidden folder. I feel inclined to save them in case they are needed for legal purposes, but they don't have to be in a folder, like the junk folder, that I scan occassionally to make sure it is filtering correctly.

On brighter news, a couple of days ago, I went on my first date since the breakup. It was fun... .Too many red flags though to consider a romantic relationship with her... .The biggest for me was that she comes from a borderline family, and she was unable to do self-reflection.

I'm enjoying the peace of being single. I intend to remain single rather than enter another messed up relationship.

Correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't (no contact) mean you don't read texts and emails and you block them from contact to protect your own well being? I mean you say she treated you horribly, so how can you bare to read your abusers emails?

Hurting300: I know! Sorry about my choice of words. In future posts to the forum I'll modify it to say "NO REPLY".

At first I read the emails because of fear/obligation/guilt/responsibility. This time it was out of curiosity. I think that it is therapeutic for me to read them now.  I clearly see how disconnected she is from any sort of objective/physical reality, which is good for me. I observe the hooks and techniques which she put into me to control and manipulate me, which is good for me. Uncovering them now gives me time to deal with my triggers before someone else triggers them. I don't have any desire to cover up her alcoholism or to help her cover it up. It's good to observe how the denial operates. Again it will help me avoid those behaviors in the future. I am being cheerfully honest these days, both about my own behaviors, and about other's. I don't feel any obligation to rescue her which is really really good for me. I'm no longer going to my support network and crying to them about how hurtful the email was to me. Am I becoming a narcicist? I don't know, and I don't care!

As an example, last time I took her to urgent care for alcohol poisoning, she was too incapacitated to fill out the intake forms herself. There was a space on one of the forums asking how often she has sex. I checked the "almost never" box, which was an accurate description of our life. In her most recent email she was raging about what a betrayal that was to her. Excuse me? Fuming at your partner for filling out doctor's forms honestly? Who does that? Like I said earlier: Surreal. I don't reply, because there is nothing that can be written that would help me. And nothing that can be written that would help her. I don't have any reason to believe that she will ever confess to being an alcoholic. (And especially not to  BPD.)

You're out in the clear. Moving on. That's good.

She's totally freaking out by the sudden and total disappearance and abandonment after 13 years... .which , to be truthful, would freak anyone out.

I don't think any one of us would question your need to go or recommend that you return.

You sound more celebratory and vindicated by these emails. She sounds like she's crashing - and the reality is for an alcoholic -  that may be what it takes.

At the same time, I'd do wonder "do you have any compassion" for this family? Do you want to give her some closure?

Skip: Thanks for asking.

I feel immense compassion for her 23 year old son who is living with her and suffering through the abuse that I was previously shielding him from. That's my biggest regret about leaving. And I feel sorrow that she is destroying herself, but I have no control over that, and I never did. (Well, I had slight control over her weight when I was cooking for her.) I feel compassion for her other children who may lose their mother in the near future. I don't know what physical acts I can do which would help her children. I've tried in the past to address the BPD with the kids. She wrote that she told them about my claim that she hadn't been sober in months. I sometimes wonder if a letter to her doctor would help... .I'd welcome examples of how to ease the burden on the kids.


What would closure look like? I mean in physical acts from me... .What could I say or do that would bring closure? Is closure even possible for her? How could I go about it without triggering more rages, and more emails, and more blackness?

Sometimes I daydream about chatting with her like in old times. I daydream about just being friends.  But those seem like imaginary fantasies, and not like something that really happened. The reality is that even the best of times were tainted by an undertone of abuse.

Hi 13year goodbye,

I have enjoyed reading your story and following your process of detachment.  I can relate to the whole experience of being bewildered by their state of mind at the end.  I too felt like I had said everything,  done everything I possibly could to help my ex and in the finish I concluded that trying to change him was not loving,  complaining to him about how unhappy I was  was futile (even a form of madness of my own) , and that the kindest thing to do for all concerned was to let him go. 

Absolutely devastating process severing  the ties. I have a lot of admiration for your openess,  honesty and courage in sharing here. I'm 15 months out,  11 months NC.  I too counted the hours and the days in the beginning.  I understand the need to gain some ground,  clear the head and get some perspective.  Thanks for keeping us informed of your progress.  Your story is helping me,  even this far 'out' and I appreciate you taking the time to articulate your thoughts,  feelings and experiences.  Well done

I found a letter that I wrote 12 years ago, about a year after I started living with my recent X.  I feel hyper sad about reading that old letter to my father, because things are essentially the same today as they were way back then. Oh well, I had some success mitigating the screaming for the youngest. And I nurtured the kids physically, even if they had a lot of chaos in their relationship with their mother.  Edited to remove names... .

------

Dear Dad (and wife);

The primary reason i'm not participating very much in the

family mailing list is that I don't feel very well

emotionally or physically. For the last year, I have

had more colds, and nasal stuffiness, and sore throats

than in the previous 20 years all put together. It

drags me down. It's just so hard to find the ambition.

___ and her kids fight with each other for hours

and days at a time, and even when they are not outright

fighting they are nasty to each other.

It wears me down. I think often about running away,

but I am still here. My friends say I must be

getting something out of it... .I just don't

know that running away would help me be any happier,

though it might resolve the stuffiness issue. There

are two dogs and two cats here, and the four filthiest

people I have ever lived with, so I think that contributes

to not feeling well physically.

It took me a couple days to write to you because

I often feel like hiding my activities from ____

so that she won't cuss me out. I so liked the idea

of living closer to home, but I've saw you less in

the last year than when I lived in (1800 miles away),

and that makes me cry.

When I was young, you built a pine chest for me to

store my valuables in. I remember that as one of the

most precious things anyone ever did for me, because

it gave me my own space. I need to find my own space

again, perhaps not physically, but emotionally.

Love,

_____

Regarding closure: I've really been enjoying the thread, "Message in a Bottle: the things you WANT to say to your ex (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286089.0;all)". After reading each post I think, "Wow, I'd really like to write that to her." Sadly, I don't think that any of the ideas presented would bring any closure to her.

Do the right thing. And send that woman at a letter explaining things.

I really think that there is nothing to explain. She's the one that told me right after I moved in with her that she has BPD. When she visited urgent care for alcohol poisoning, a few months before I left, she admited to being an alcoholic. She constantly b___ed about me choices in fashion, and food, and friends, etc, and admited to it a few times.

She is currently in denial about all of the above.

What could I say?

Can't write that I left to protect myself.

Can't write that I left because she is an alcoholic.

Can't write that I left because of the BPD.

Can't write that I left becaue of the b___ing.

Those sorts of things would only trigger dysregulation rages.

Can't write that I left because I wanted peace.

Can't write that I left because other people showed me that peace is possible.

Can't write that I left because I didn't want to take care of an alcoholic in her last months.

Those would only trigger dysregulation rages.

I'm unwilling to say "I'm sorry", or anything remotely akin to it. I am not sorry. I am thrilled to be gone. I ghosted because I felt like it was the only option open to me. I would do it again.

Perhaps a lie? Hmmm... .Tell her that I've met a gay lover that loves me better than anyone ever has before. That'd really trigger a dysregulation rage. And give her something to talk about to distract her from her real problems. Maybe she'd be so pissed at me that she'd never write or talk about me again!

I suppose that not writing triggers fewer disregulation rages than writing.

I still intend to leave it alone... .I've spent weeks honestly considering what I could write. I can't come up with a single thing. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. 

I remember when my brother in law walked out and didn't come back to my bipolar sister. It was the only way he could do it. He felt terrible and had many moments of doubt but that is normal, don't beat yourself up. Unfortunately he did not think ahead like you did and she threw out everything- even old family pictures that he treasured. Maybe you can try contacting the kids yourself just to say hi? You are very brave! Enjoy your new found serenity :)

Beacher: Thanks. I'm pretty sure that I'll never send an explanation. I went no contact to protect myself. I expect to continue protecting myself. Two of the kids are boycotting me. Two are being civil.

Here's a letter, prepared for my amusement only, not with intent to send it to her.

I started documenting my journey out of a relationship with an uBPD sufferer at:

Someday I'll Just Have To Walk Away (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=278860.0).

It's been 157 days since I left precipitously. I have remained No Contact. Every month or so, she sends me an email. But they are getting so boring and repetitive that there there isn't much point even reading them. It was about 8 days before I bothered to read the last one she sent. They have certainly lost their ability to get me upset. The most recent was full of blame because I'm not taking care of all the things that I used to take care of for her.

Woo Hoo! I'm not in the FOG any more.

I am resigned to my stuff being lost to me. The things that are most important are being replaced. The peace and tranquility that fills my life today is worth any lost stuff. I'm a public figure, so she is using my writings to cyber-stalk me so she can include things I've written (not about her) in her emails to try to belittle me and make me feel bad about myself. Whatever. That is so old by now that I just shake my head. If I replace the word "you" in her emails with "I", it pretty much gets to what is really going on.

I'm not dating anyone, or even looking to date. I really love the peace and tranquility. It's really nice that I don't have a TV. Without a TV, and a partner with BPD there is nobody to coerce me, under threat of dysregulation, to watch programming.

I'm struggling financially because I was a stay at home dad, so that I could raise her kids. And the economy these days ain't exactly stellar. Oh well, I get to work through that.

It's winter. I miss a warm body next to me in bed. A raging warm body is still a warm body. And the silent treatment is like a reward to an introvert.

I'm enjoying friends, and family, and good food. Things which were mostly denied to me while I was with her.

I play the games of wish-I-woulda, and why-didn't-I. They aren't productive for me. I brought a lot of peace into her life, and especially into the lives of her children, so I take comfort in that, even if they don't acknowledge my contribution to their well-being.

I've lost weight, and am back to "normal" weight. I feel great. People are telling me that I look great.

She sent another eMail... .Nastiest one yet. Totally unrelated to any sort of objective reality as I experienced it... .I continue to not respond to them. Silly me for reading it... .

So I went to the trouble of learning how to use my email reader to automatically delete any message from her, and to scrub it from the disk at the same time. So that any future messages won't end up in a junk folder where I might see them. Then I searched my hard drive, and deleted her photos, and all previous emails.

I am done. Her emails are abusive, and not just a little. I intend to protect myself from them.

Narcissism at its UGLIEST. Disasociation. Projection. Like you've asserted, nothing to do with any sort of reality or anyone's "truth"... .purely selfish motives. Let me guess. The earlier ones were proclaiming Love. You didn't respond. The "Love" then disappears?... .we both know that isn't Love. That is manipulation. That is sad.

I'm glad for you that you have the self awareness, awareness of your situation, and the intelligence to protect yourself.

Vodka is like gasoline on a fire in this situation good thing u left. Mine was drinking Vodka too, it really speeded up the downfall of the whole thing. Please take care of yourself, focus on your health, she can figure out what she is going to do without you there now. Sorry you are going through this after such a long commitment, it is  so disheartening to see a loved one suffer and hurt you in the process. We are powerless over them, but not ourselves. It takes time, but we get on our feet slowly.

At the end of our relationship, my ex was drinking very regularly and it was awful too. She didn't even have to drink that much for it to have a big impact on her behavior (just a beer, or maybe even half a beer!) The worst.

We couldn't even talk about what to have for supper without her, becoming dysregulated, flying into a rage, and saying mean abusive things. If I were to contact her, it would be akin to throwing gasoline onto a fire. I'm pretty sure that no good could come from it. Not to her, not to her adult kids, and especially not to me. I asked for years for her to moderate her behavior. Nothing has been left unsaid. She knows, as well as I do, why I am not living with her anymore, and why I left without saying goodbye. I left immediately after one of the nastiest rages she ever subjected me to. As ill as she is, I think that she should be able to understand that. But what do I know... .I think it should be possible to talk about what to cook for supper without dysregulation rages.

I have no current desires that she modify her behavior. She can do anything that she'd like. I'm choosing to not associate with a falling down drunk mentally ill woman. I got along passably with the mental illness for 13 years. She was that way when I met her, so I figured that I had to endure the consequences of my choices. However, 32 ounces of vodka per day on top of the mental illness was more than I was willing to endure.

As far as I can discern, I'm not giving my X the silent treatment... .Just like I am not giving a telemarketer the silent treatment when I don't answer the phone. Neither one is part of my life. I feel no obligation to respond to either one.

For what it's worth, I am a man. Strong enough, and capable enough to say no-more to someone that abused me for 13 years.  And I was a man for 13 years, strong enough and capable enough to stay with an abusive mentally ill woman long enough to raise her kids for her.

---

In other news. I am feeling great. Sleeping peacefully at night. Awakening refreshed instead of run down. I am at the lowest weight I've been in decades. I attended a gathering the other day, and about 8 people came up to me and commented about how great I'm looking these days.

In other news. I am feeling great. Sleeping peacefully at night. Awakening refreshed instead of run down. I am at the lowest weight I've been in decades. I attended a gathering the other day, and about 8 people came up to me and commented about how great I'm looking these days.

Great news 13! Keep up the good work!

It's been 14.5 months since I left my long-term partner who suffers from BPD and alcoholism.

It continues to be a peaceful life for me. Some of her adult kids are back in my life.

I have been getting to know new friends, and getting reacquainted with old friends. It's been beautiful. So much peace and contentment about those relationships.

One of my friends thinks that she has BPD. I agree with her. We contracted with each other at the beginning we wouldn't have a romantic relationship. We're sticking to that. We practice good relationship techniques on each other. I watch her blow up one relationship after another. We discuss what's going on in my life, and in hers. The blunt honesty that we have agreed on is very refreshing. Having strong boundaries is refreshing.  It's delightful to me to be dispassionate about her problems. To not rescue. To let them be her problems. And to simply watch as things unfold. It's nice to validate and have it accepted for what it is. I'm getting very good at 'radical acceptance'. The skills I am learning are readily applicable to other relationships in which I might consider a romance. I spent years studying borderline personality and trying to use what I learned to help myself and my lover. It's nice that those skills were not totally wasted after I moved on.

 

13YearGoodbye,

I am new here but I have already seen several reminders on bpdfamily not to advise someone what to do or judge someone who is sharing their story.

I support your decision to do what serves you best. Contact or don't contact her, it is completely up to you as she is not your responsibility anymore. If she wanted the relationship to work she had 13 years, after all. You need your energy for you and your healing. You get to decide what is the right thing for you to do, for you first!

I appreciate your story of how you are rebuilding your life, I have empathy for you as I do myself now. Yes the simple things like meals without trauma!

Frodo