BPDFamily.com

I read this on another thread... .

"This is a very interesting example of how they cannot distinguish their own feelings from others. They feel something, but they think someone else is the root of the feeling. This is probably why they project so much. They honestly believe that what they're going through is because of someone else."

If this is the case... .if someone else is "in love" with them quickly in a new relationship, do they think they are "in love" with them as well? It's disturbing how quickly my stbx moved on. The young girl is posting her love for him all over FB, he probably is loving his ego being fed.  I can't help but feel that he isn't necessarily "in love" with her , more like he is just letting her have the feelings and enjoying the ride... .thoughts anyone? I felt like my stbx is like a toddler that is easily swayed but what people tell him and since she was being nice when I pushed him away, he is now "trusting" her opinion to move away from me. Will he ever make up his OWN mind? She posted something about helping him fly, but only he could spread his wings (SMH)... .this is where I am getting this from- she was pulling him in her direction for awhile and then when I made him moved out-she swooped in and he was in a relationship within a month! Most normal people need time to recover and don't necessarily get into something else so fast. He told me he cannot be alone. He also said it was too soon for him to know if he was "in love" with her when I asked him a month ago. Not sure what to believe there.

There is a good article (https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder) we have here on the site from a person with BPD explaining what love means to her.  You might find it interesting.  The gist is that love is indeed real for a pwBPD, but it's something that it is not a healthy, stable love.  This aligns with my own personal experiences.  I do sincerely believe my ex loved me, but it was a love that couldn't be sustained under the weight of the disorder's fears.

This is the thing I still struggle with the most. 

In her own strange way, I think that she did love me.  But interestingly enough, when we were still just friends and I told her about my feelings for her, she said, "I didn't realize you felt that way" and seemed to imply that she loved me as a friend and nothing more. Just a few weeks later, she was saying that I was the person she dreamed of marrying.  So, I think she loved me, but I don't think she ever figured out what kind of love it was.  The last message I received from her on the day she tried to commit suicide was, "I'm so sorry.  I love you."  Again, what that meant, who knows?  And now that I've been shut out of her life completely, I'll never know. 

My version is borderlines are all about attachments, fusing with someone psychically to feel whole, a reenactment of the bond they had with their mother that they never successfully detached from, the situation that created the disorder to begin with.  And when that happens emotional development becomes arrested too, since we move through stages and if we get stuck on one the ones further down the line aren't available to us.  So the 'love' a borderline feels is very real and they feel it intensely, although it's an immature fantasy love that needs to be 'perfect', and of course it never is, so they end up disappointed, and of course the other person is to blame.  And even if it sorta works, the conflicting fears of abandonment and engulfment are always present, an offshoot of the unhealthy attachment that is always the focus, although those fears aren't conscious, they just show up as feelings.  Pretty messy when you think about it, but it's not a choice for the borderline, we're the ones with the choices, and the opportunity for growth that comes out of those choices as well.