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The most powerful tool for my healing has been learning to surrender and let go of outcomes.

For the past year, even though separated I continued to fight my ex in my head and it was just as, if not more, painful than the actual relationship. I was fighting the fact that I still cared/loved someone who I feel has betrayed that love and contributed to exposing my lack of self esteem.

I've realised an important thing that a few weeks ago finally gave me peace. I don't have to be angry with myself and fight myself and berate myself for still caring for someone who my mind tells me I should 'hate'. I can still care about my ex, but I CHOOSE not to be with her or participate in the way she loves. As it's toxic and harmful to me.

After releasing that, not being attached to any outcome in our future, not being attached to the belief that because I felt hurt by her than I should hate her, I finally let go of a raft of emotions than quickly brought a shift in my beliefs about my marriage. I know now, BPD or not, crazy or sane, we were just not a good couple. I fed into her illness and was bad for her, she could never give me what I needed. And in the end, BPD, no BPD, it's just a failed marriage. One, had I known then what I know now, I'd have never entered into. It would be impossible, who I am today would not give that person any part of my heart because I care for myself too much.

I think ... .The struggle is over.

Good for you Trog!  There's what happens and what we make it mean, and good move on changing your beliefs and reframing what things mean to manage your emotions around it.  Another piece that is helpful is to feel the emotion but not be it, feel the emotion but stand off to the side of it a little, make it something you're experiencing but not a part of you.  Who you are is timeless but emotions are fleeting and will pass, and watching them from that detached place is powerful.

Yes, I think we can class that also as surrender? Feeling the emotions, not labelling them good or bad, not judging yourself, allow yourself to feel them and not define you. It's a 'this too shall pass' philosophy with the added dimension of understanding that we are so much more than this experience. It does not define us. We just learnt a little bit more about who we 'are not' and what we do not want in our lives.