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I feel like I could throw up.  That "WOW" feeling.  That "I can't do this" feeling.  Like I could throw up.  Like I will throw up. 

It was an 8 month r/s.  It has been almost 7 months out of r/s.  Almost as long out as I was in it.  And yet it is still ever-present in my heart and mind.  F*cking a.  I am so sick of this.  And I am so scared of letting it go.  Completely.  I have not responded.  He has continued.  Even though I don't respond, every time he comes back around I get hooked again.  I don't want to be hooked.  And I don't want to be not hooked.  How do I give up the hope that this is somehow going to magically rectify itself.  That he is somehow going to become the man I dreamed of spending my life with.  That somehow all the destruction could be forgotten.  But it can't.  It won't.  Even if he did magically become the man I dreamed of the past cannot be overcome.  Not by me.  And not by my children.  Not by my extended family.  The wake of his destruction has been enormous and extends well beyond me.

I so want to be done with this.  And I so don't.  Yuck.  He has continued to contact me.  Upwards of 500 times.  I hate it and know even the "nice" contacts are self-serving on his part and are meant to f*ck with me.  And they do.  Because I let them. 

I wish I could just want to be free of him.  Maybe not even be free of him yet.  But just be free enough to 100% WANT to be free of him.  Does that make sense?

I have not responded in so long. This morning I have committed to no longer hearing his messages.  Someone needs to listen to keep apprised of where he seems to be mentally/emotionally so I can act accordingly, i.e. leave town when he is ramped up, but I will no longer listen myself.  Which feels really good.  And feels really bad.

I am so ready for this to end.  And the only way out is through.  Or so  it seems.  At this moment.  Surviving my sense of panic.  Surviving my fears.  Breathing through it and knowing that only PART of me feels panic and fear at the end of this.  But that PART can be so freaking loud at times. 

This new commitment is taking off the next shackle.  Severing more of the connection.   Amen.  And oh sh*t. 

I so know what you mean... .I only wish I knew the answer to this one too.

Lifewriter

Thanks, Lifewriter16.   I hate for you to know these feelings so well yet I appreciate knowing I am not alone in this. 

We're fighting the good fight :)

hey reclaimingmylife, 

it is not a contest or a race. to be frank, your head and your heart will align when you are ready. again, its not a contest or a race, "when you are ready" is key.

seeing your role, which you are doing, is huge progress. whether or not it feels like it, you ARE progressing.

"I have not responded in so long. This morning I have committed to no longer hearing his messages."

this is a highly useful idea. your recovery is yours, and you must protect it. im not clear exactly what you meant here: are you considering blocking the contact?

Thanks for your reply,  once removed,  and for reminding me my recovery isn't a contest.   I've been irritated with myself for getting hooked when he calls and for part of me liking those calls even tho I also want him to stop.   Today,  I feel a bit more accepting of both myself and of his behavior which feels better.

I reckon he will call and contact me until he stops.  This is factually true.    Fighting against it in my mind doesn't help.   It is also factually true that part of me likes it when he calls.   Fighting against that also doesn't seem to help.   My plan is to instead just notice it,  articulate it, and let it be.

RE your question abt blocking,  I have not blocked b/c he is harassing and sometimes threatening so I have wanted to know his thoughts/plans so I can act accordingly, ie leave town/home as needed.   So my sibling has agreed to listen to his voicemails for me going forward.   That way I can plan as needed but I don't have to hear it myself.   

In previous b/u's I always went 60+ days NC to emotionally disengage. It always worked and I've had amicable post-b/u r/s's as a result w/o leftover bitterness or anger.   But my UexBPDbf won't stop contacting me so I haven't successfully disengaged.   Not listening to his voicemails should be a big help.   

Of course,  that feels a bit risky too.   His last ones were very sexual so I have some worry abt someone else hearing.   Oh well!   Maybe he will never call again  :)

hey reclaiming,

"Today,  I feel a bit more accepting of both myself and of his behavior which feels better."

"Fighting against it in my mind doesn't help.   It is also factually true that part of me likes it when he calls.   Fighting against that also doesn't seem to help.   My plan is to instead just notice it,  articulate it, and let it be."

all of this is highly useful  |iiii

"RE your question abt blocking,  I have not blocked b/c he is harassing and sometimes threatening so I have wanted to know his thoughts/plans so I can act accordingly, ie leave town/home as needed.   So my sibling has agreed to listen to his voicemails for me going forward.   That way I can plan as needed but I don't have to hear it myself."

i didnt mean to imply that blocking the contact was THE solution, just a consideration. id keep doing what you feel is right, and having your sibling listen is also a great method. you have clearly stated motives and intentions, and i think theyre good ones. how kind of your sibling, this can be a great filter for the "need to know" stuff.

Thanks again, once removed.  I am trying to remember to not fight against myself and/or against him.  It is a fight that can't be won b/c no matter what I am feeling at any given moment there are opposing feelings.  All of which tempt me to attack myself.  Bad enough to have conflicting feelings.  Worse to attack myself for them.

We'll see how I do having my sibling listen to his voicemails.  As I said, his last comments were very sexual so that could feel embarrassing.  I will have to simply ask if any threats were made and if any action (leave home) needs to be taken as a result.  Any other details (he was nice, sad, mad) will tempt me to listen and must be avoided.  I need/want at least SIXTY days of no contact to break out of this hold. 

thanks for the support and interest!

I also think blocking is a great option. I personally did it because these recycle attempts were a huge trigger. I found myself having anxiety attacks whenever the phone would ring or get notifications on social media.

Finally some peace because I know for certain it's not going to be my BPDex