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Hurt again,

My expwBPD who became my friend after a short relationship 4 years ago and who lives long-distance and I decided to spend a holiday together.

2 months ago we agreed she was going to travel here for a short week.

Bought concert tickets, arranged stuff to spend a nice time among friends.

I sended her an email a month ago to explain some practical things and to plan things together.

She didn’t answered it for days. So I text her asking if she got it and what her thoughts are?

She didn’t had time to answer she said, busy on all fronts. Okay, wait another week, no interaction at all besides the fact she was pretty active on social media.

After another week in silence when i started to question her silence:

-I asked through text: I hope all is on plan to travel because I haven’t heard from you yet?

She: Don’t you want me to come, if so just say it?

I: He? Why do you think that? Ofcourse I want you to come, planned stuff and want your opinion on my plans/email?

She: All is on plan

….

Next day she post on fb; “In a relationship, since a months ago”

I text her: ?

I got this feeling, her silence was obvious, perhaps she got second thoughts on taking the trip now she has a gf, and I was fed up with this behaviour:

I: Is this your way of telling me? I want a respectful friendship and not this

She: are there conditions on a friendship?

….

This goes on for a while. Result is she didn’t came.

And this was probably what she wanted since a month. On her fb she plays the victim because her holiday is ruined…

How could I think it is possible to plan something with her

How could I think she would treat me with respect as a friend does

And if I do stand on my values… she runs…

I’m hurt, my holiday is ruined, and after all it is obvious again:

I cant save her, I cant make her see what respect is, we dont understand eachother, it wasn’t my fault, and friendship is something else for me…

Let her run she ain't worth it.

My b/f made a big song and dance about our 2nd "anniversary" said we have to go away somewhere romantic. Made me book a hotel for 2 nights, said he would pay for half of it,right on the harbor, ocean views blah blah blah…... The booking is "non refundable" and I had warned him that nothing can go wrong, he said "It won't baby". Well he broke up with me for not saying something right and on time. I asked him to pay for half…... and he said No and accused me of cheating on him and that he will not pay for it. Now I'm 600.00 out off pocket.

No its not your fault, they are sick and its just too hard to make it work. Set yourself free of her toxicity and find somebody that appreciates you and is deserving of you.

Thank you Darkhorse for your reply.

It's aweful how they work to a situation were we think we could actually make something work. And then they disappoint us and cost us a lot of money and turn it this way so we are the cause of it.

Sure let them run! Friendship and love is something which should makes us happy, loved, joy and fun in life. And once again it wont happen... .

I'm struggeling with the feeling of faillure, hurt, false hope. I know she is sick and at some point we cant expect them to think as nons with logic and respect. But she feels the victim and thats how she shows it to the world and possibly really feels like that in her head.

I have the urge to write her and get really angry or to write her and explain myself better. But i'm not going to do it... .it just wont bring me anywhere instead of more hurt. I accept that and let it go forever. Wish it was forever already

Yes Icecream I know how you feel!

Every night when I lay my head on my pillow, I compose several letters in my head for him. I get mainly angry and want to make him see how stupid and false his accusations are. This also happens in the morning as soon as i open my eyes, provided that I had slept at all. I will try and write that very angry letter eventually,and get all the thoughts and fury out of my system.But Ill burn it instead of sending it. He will never get it, he is absolutely convinced that he is the victim here.He spoke about his ex g/f and how she had wronged him. Actually come to think of it now all of his previous relationships had ended up because the other party had cheated. I remember him saying it and though to myself…"Oh man what is he doing wrong if they all ran out on him with another man"? I think I should have ran at the point! I also remember thinking and saying to him" Its never going to happen with me cos I don't do that". And it did, in his head! Now Im the ex g/f…….

I am a realist, and I struggle really hard to accept this 'made up stuff'…... its a hard work to keep on reminding myself that its the illness talking. But Ill get there in time, and you will too, one step at the time... .

It might help to define what friendship is to you. To crib my T, he gave me two good definitions:

A friend is someone with whom you entrust the building of your character.

A friend is someone to whom you pull out your heart, present it, and ask, "what do you think?"

What does it mean to you, and does she meet those criteria?

Thats how my exBPD was, and if I said something about it she freaked out. I know how it feels when they pull this game on you. Busy she said, how you mean busy it takes only a couple seconds to send a text to someone and thats the part they'll never understand.

Friendship to me is liking eachothers company, sharing simular intrests, excepting eachothers flaws and feeling comfortable to discuse different opinions, trusting one an another, being honest on what you feel, and last but most important to me is having respect for eachother and for someone who cares and who stood there in the most difficult times for them.

It a cycle: every time she met someone new, i was left in silence and no intrest in me anymore

Until she pushes it so far that i point her to the fact i want respect in friendship... .then i'm wrong and i am the bad one who doesnt accept her as she is... .

Exactly! Walking on eggshells, stand on your values, and then... .no understanding at all, no accountability because we dont accept them as they are... .

She did presented all those values when we met and thats the hard part to let go of the mess it became.