BPDFamily.com

Hello, people. I was thinking about a question today.

My BPDbf is really paranoid sometimes. For instance, accusing me of trying to seduce other men, or hidding things, or to lie (for instance, when I am at home and he puts in his mind I am drinking outside or so).

I am asking myself whether they accuse us of doing wrong things, in fact they are doing these things and projecting on us their mistakes (we know they tend, sometimes, to mix their egos with ours).

Other people here have the same impression?

Some of it could be projection. Some of it could just be fears that are a result of insecurity.

Sure, some people accuse you of the things that they are doing as a way to throw you off track.

With my husband, I feel like anything like that stemmed from his irrational fear of being abandoned. He is a very insecure person. I have known other people that tend towards paranoia. It wasn't a result of projection but a result of fears and a distorted perception of reality.

My feeling is that pwBPD filter everything through the negative filter of their past experiences.  And since their experiences are filtered through that negative filter, neutral, and even positive experiences will be negative to them.  In other words, they view the world as one bad place with everyone out to hurt them. 

That said, I think the projection of their behaviors onto you is part of this.  It's basically an assumption that everyone else is exactly like them.  They need to assume everyone else is the same way, otherwise they stand out in their own minds and feel crazy. 

Pretty much every argument of my wife's is her claiming behaviors of me that that seem much closer aligned with her personality than me. 

We've had a bad argument going tonight, and I know it was invalidating of me to point out when he was projecting anger at others, friend, co workers, and family, all on to me, or worse, his own negative thoughts of himself, onto me. Yes, in his case when he accused me of cheating, it is because he had, and wanted to justify it in his mind.  He tried it again tonight, but I'm afraid I would not have any of it, as he is the only person I have dated, lived with or more.  Ever.

This is not to say accusations are always a smokescreen of their own behavior.  The insecurity is a bbiiiiggg issue, and it's hard I guess to believe someone is not if they FEEL so ones is or would.  Because feelings at the moment seem to trump all. 

I go through this every day... .Its exhausting... .I feel like I just wanna cry

It's extremely exhausting!  This projection makes you question which way is up.  Doesn't it feel like you are having the things said to you that you wished you had said to your BPD partner?  It becomes extra exhausting when you realize that the things being said are so blatantly untrue for you, but so obviously true for them, and yet they don't see it, or admit to it, and bringing it up turns a mild rage into a severe one. 

There is a Bible verse in Proverbs 23:7 that reads, "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.  "Eat and Drink!" he says to you, But his heart is not with you.  The morsel you have eaten, you will vomit up, and waste your pleasant words."  Very fitting for a pwBPD.

I have found most of the time my H's thought patterns go through a paranoia filter, so most of it is due to insecurity, and not projection. But, I would suspect a projection would look the same but more violate.

Also, he bases his ideas on occurrences from his past, IE a GF that cheated, someone said this or that was a stupid idea, etc. In these ideas... .he sort of struggles to keep said original thought until some invisible breaking point for him happens where he sees it was a wrong premise, then he he paints the idea white on the other side.

Example of what I meant by that... .I made deviled eggs the other day. I put bits of bacon in my deviled eggs. He didn't know until he tried one... .and I didn't think anything of it. My family has done it as long as I can recall.

After his first bite, he asked me if I put bacon in it. I told him I did. He said he never heard of that before. I said my family has always made them that way. I asked if he liked them. He said it's not the way that deviled eggs are made. I said I understand he has not had them like that before, but there's tons of ways to add your own flare to a dish. He sat there for a moment... .mulled it over and didn't say anything else. The next day, he was on the phone with his sister and I hear him "ColdEthyl made deviled eggs last night and she put bacon in them! Yes... .they were good! Very good!" A few more times after that, he told people how awesome they were.

It sort of reminds me of how my son was when he was younger. He's Asperger's, and did not like trying new things at all. When he would get served dinner and it wasn't something the recognized, he would ask me "Mom, have I had this before?" Even if he didn't, I would say to him "Yes, dear you have and you liked it!" He would take a bite... .and accept the fact that he likes it. Before I learned that little trick, it was fight and fuss.