BPDFamily.com

     I belong to a self-help writing group. We call it a writing critique group. We all are very minor writers with, well, one or more minor publications.

     I just wrote an email to my group. I started out with a BPD type email. Pushed everyone away with a rather harsh comment and then at the end said “just joking, hope you can all take a little teasing.” What a BPD thing to do.

     Then, before I sent it, I looked at it and realized that it was not the least bit friendly, so I rewrote it and then rewrote it again and then rewrote it again until it was funny and friendly, then I sent it.

     Those of us who were raised in a BPD family, whether we have the mental disorder or not, must be careful what we say and do, because we still may have some of the symptoms of BPD.

     This example is that our first thought is to push away other people because we learned to do that from our BPD  parents.

Hi gloveman

Well the good thing is that you realized this before you sent the unfriendly version of your e-mail

It is indeed true that children raised by BPD parents, often will have learned certain BPD-like behaviors from them and/or developed certain coping mechanisms that might not serve them that well in their adult life. Fortunately these behaviors can also be unlearned through hard work or at least better managed. The first step in being able to do that is recognizing the traits in yourself |iiii

Have you noticed before that you wrote e-mails that weren't very friendly when you re-read them? Are there also other 'unhealthy' behaviors or tendencies you recognize in yourself that you feel you've learned from your BPD parents?

Hi Gloveman,

I believe that I had a very BPD reactive personality during my 20's- especially in regard to intimate relationships with men.    When I was 29 and went NC with my mother, I noticed an immediate change in me, my lifestyle, my everything! I felt calmer and it was like my true self began to emerge.   I wasn't miraculously cured by any means but my brain seemed to function clearer and I became much more analytical and logical. Now I think before I react.   Through the years, I've continued to improve and I feel like I'm living an authentic life. 

In hindsight, I believe that one of the reasons, if not the main reason,  why I exhibited some BPD reactions is because I was always in a chronic state of confusion because of my mother's influence in my life. It was like her words were always playing over and over in my head all the time- opposing my own thoughts and filling me with uncertainty and fear.  Everything  I did triggered a subconscious response from her. I couldn't even vacuum my floor at home without hearing something negative she said to me or something that caused me to feel bad about myself. 

Today, I rarely ever hear her in my head.  So, I agree with Kwamina that we can undo the conditioned behaviors and responses and replace them with authentic ones.   Just the fact that you notice when you're not being your true self probably means that your true self is already emerging and growing healthier and stronger.   

     My biggest problem was that I worked in a family business. That allowed my BPD younger brother and severe case of BPD father to push their craziness on me at work. It wasn't until my cousins and I bought out my brother and my father retired 100% at 90 years old ( ninety years old) that I was really able to recover. Yes, Leaving, It wasn't until then, 2007 that I became NC with them and at the age of 60 my brain started to heal in the way you mentioned.

     It was a long nightmare. Quite often I don't know how I survived.

Wow, I feel for you Gloveman.  I know all about family business and the crazy-making.  Fortunately, I didn't get involved.   Instead I decided to start my own business so, I married a BPD husband and went into business with him!   I don't know how I've lasted this long without being institutionalized and I mean that.

I don't think being 60 for first NC is unusual at all.  Most of us take that long ( to reach mid life) to get fed up enough to choose a different way and to start living the life we were meant to. I think they call it ' midlife crisis' but maybe 'mid life breakthrough' is more appropriate  :)   I'm 54 and on my third or 4th round of NC with my mother. This time it doesn't phase me in the least.  I'm so over her and the drama and nonsense. I've finally exceeded my mother's emotional maturity. 

You've had 8 years of peace and more to come!  That's quite an accomplishment!  Seriously.  One of my biggest fears was dying before I was ever able to wake up in a happy life.  Stay strong and keep pursuing happiness.