BPDFamily.com

I broke down today and sent my exgf and email asking if we could meet before she leaves the country. I expect she'll say no. I also expect that I will see her around town before she leaves unless I leave town first, which would make her rejection of this offer that much more whack.  I would have called her, but I deleted her number and no one I'm friends with has it. I could have emailed one of our mutual (more her) friends, but the triangulation didn't feel good.

Why did I do it? I think this whole situation is ridiculous. We were two adults who professed to care about each other and to act like hurt little children is eating at me.  I mean f**k -- I'd rather leave this relationship thinking "ok, this was an important relationship, there were some really nice things, and it didn't work out." But the current state of affairs is so disproportionally negative.   

And what if she says "yes"? Then I meet with her and tell her that I'm sorry we couldn't love each other way that each needed. I wish her the very best in life, that she's happy and productive, that our time together was incredibly important to me, and that i'm forever thankful for the experience we shared. Go in peace. Or something like that. If she wants to blow up at me, or tell me to f*ck off, then she will. 

I felt sh*tty and weak after sending the email, but then I went to a yoga class and worked through it. My intentions in the class were to connect myself to love, honesty, acceptance, and peace. I've also stopped drinking and smoking and am feeling physically better than in a long while.  So I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I think my intentions are good and I believe, while not perfect, I am a good person. I also believe that while she's not perfect that she's a good person too. I don't want to hate or feel sorry for myself. And I while we're not going to be "in love" I want to forgive and love this person as a human being. 

Thanks. I had to get that off my chest.

I understand how you feel. It's great that you went to yoga and worked through it.  It's important to continue doing things that enhance your sense of well being. Kudos to you for taking that positive action for yourself. Yoga is awesome.

I hear you. This is the same reason I wrote my friend an email today - we are adults, dammit. Even if we are a bit dysfunctional, the both of us.

I'm reading a lot about emotional compartmentalization today. I think this addresses the black/white splitting I have experienced throughout the relationship with my exgf and in the 3 months post breakup. My frustration about why we can't just have a conversation about this stuff, make peace, and go our separate ways is grounded in how we both integrate emotions and self-concept. 

Apparently pwBPD don't or can't integrate positive and negative concepts of self like nons can. This makes sense with the cut off, the facebook fronting, the replacements, the "happy" persona, the inability to acknowledge my dad's death, inability to actually talk about stuff in a "normal way."

Maybe for a pwBPD, in order for them to act like life is great in your absence, they have to compartmentalize all those negative feelings, hurt, guilt, shame that are about themselves, bundle them with you, and then toss the whole box in the river. Alternately, they have to be happy all the time in your absence because to not do that would be admitting that they're injured/damaged? I don't know.

Here is a link to a good article I read today:

www.researchgate.net/profile/Aline_Vater/publication/265170847_Self-Concept_Structure_and_Borderline_Personality_Disorder_Evidence_for_Negative_Compartmentalization/links/54209b6a0cf203f155c5e6d9.pdf

Here's the abstract:

Hey zipline, What message are you hoping to hear from your BPDx?  Presumably you reached out to her with some expectation in mind.  How do you imagine she might respond?  LuckyJim

Break up with a BPD is very cruel. In my case we were txting each other every 20 minutes.  The next day I was discarded/painted black.  I meant nothing to her.  No texts - nothing.  I was a void and an irritant - painted as black as black can be.   She had found a replacement.  This is a cruel illness both to the person who has it and to those who enter in a relationship with it.  And to add to the pain - any attempt at closure will likely result in failure.  They will still want you in their box of play things.  I admire your attempt to connect and do the adult/mature thing.  Unfortunately they are not adults.  Child minds in adult bodies.  It is so sad.

I hear what everyone is saying, and I've said similar along this difficult path. I have an understanding of what she can and can't give -- lots of data on this. I also want to be sure about what I can and can't give. I want to be true to myself and if this way of breaking up doesn't feel right to me, I think its OK for me to act on that. Yesterday I felt like I was just so sick and tired of letting her control and curtail my otherwise reasonable and healthy actions (fruitless as they may be).

I do not expect a different result or a changed outcome. If she's truly who she has made herself out to be, then she won't even reply to my email likely because she will have blocked my email address long ago. If she reads it and ignores me or my email sends her into a rage, then here's nothing I can do about that. But I'm not black and white and I'm not comfortable with her getting to set all of the terms of this breakup.

After she's gone, I want to be able to say to myself "I reached out to her and asked to talk before she left the country." I want to be able to say to myself that I was prepared to say to her in person everything I wrote in my first post because I meant them. I want to say that I wasn't afraid or shamed or angry.

I welcome criticism on this position.

That sounds to me like you are willing to accept that the end results can be negative, so I have to say, I don't find anything to criticize - that's exactly what I want to do.

Looks like you are keeping your expectations low, which is good.

N/C is a tool, not a rule, in my view.

Being authentic and doing what feels right to you are important considerations.

LuckyJim