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Against my own happiness, against my decision to leave, that somehow she and her rebound guy are more "right" than me and enjoying each other more than we ever did. This lingering feeling haunts me and it comes back when I'm alone.

I've been doing so much better, reintegrating into society after the isolation of that relationship but I still see things once in a while that make me think of her and the guy she's with now (who I thought was my friend) and I hate it. It makes me feel like I'm somehow wrong for leaving. She wasn't quite the psycho like some of the stories I've read and she never meant to be bad at loving but I did everything I knew how to do. Granted, I wasn't emotionally healthy either so some of the things I did were not helpful at all, and she was right about some of those things, but you would think that someone who acted as recklessly as she did post-BU wouldn't have some of the seeming wisdom she had. Though I realize she's driven by a desperate need to be wanted by someone to give her meaning. Its just a hard stage for me, because how much of her was BPD-driven, and how much was authentic? I like to think I knew the real her but if she's easily with another, she may just change based on who she's with, making the person I knew a mirage.

 

I remember feeling this way, it tended to be right before a recycle. We broke up and got back together many times. She mainly initiated contact but I did it too a time or two.


And this was why. I was alone and lonely. Are you feeling lonely? It's good to sit with this feeling now and again, then get out and do something. Are you involved with anything new or re-engaging with old hobbies? Sounds like you are touching base with friends? This feeling will pass, that's something I had to remind myself of many times before I was over the ex.

It gets better.