BPDFamily.com

I have read countless articles and listened to a therapist and my friends and people in similar situations trying to gain as much information I could and opinions and support that helped me through an extremely rough three month period of limbo with my BPD ex.  I don't know what you call someone who is on the extremely far from recovery side of BPD but she was and for good reason.  She has been through hell.

I finally got to the point recently where I said goodbye with no response from her.  It was a push and pull breakup period that destroyed me as I hoped for things to get back on track so I could reenter as an emotional rock that was nonexistent her whole life.

I have been told that it isn't really love I hold for this girl but pure infatuation in relation to my narcissism and I am ego hurt on top of that.  And while yes I have narcissistic tendencies (we all have our flaws) I don't really feel like that is damaged too hard.  All though I am much different from the person I was entering the relation.  Not sure for better or worse.

She was just my type in every way before I discovered what I had gotten myself into.  And the whole broken girl thing fed into my ego and the "hero role" blah blah blah and just wanting to help and feeling pain seeing her in pain and it being the first time I ever felt such a strong connection with someone which is very rare for me because I get bored honestly so that probably just adds to it.

In truth I would go back in a heartbeat still.  And I am about 100% sure this isn't over yet.  It never is.  Although I said goodbye and am emotionally trying to move past it, I still know I would go back to her because of how deeply I care.  Trying to move on is difficult in any situation but in this one I know it will rely on me getting rid of the idea of her coming back regardless of the likelihood but knowing that and being able to do it are two different things.  But I feel depression on setting and just an overall sense of being lost.  Just have to find my way I guess

You are finding your way ascaffo, you're here and you're talking about what's going on for you; that's finding your way.

I can relate exactly to what you're experiencing and it is painful, I understand.

We all want to help the people we care about, and it feels good when that help and caring is acknowledged.  Narcissism is healthy and required to a certain extent, it's when it gets extreme that it's a problem.  Think about it: narcissism is self-love, the opposite of which is no self love or self hate; which is better?  Of course it's on a continuum, just like the traits of BPD.

Have you learned much about the disorder?  There are lots of resources here, and one thing that jumped out for me is you say she was 'just your type in every way'.  Borderlines, which their survival-based need to attach to someone to feel whole, will be whoever they need to be to affect that attachment, yes, but also to assume the 'good' they see in someone to counteract the 'bad' they see in themselves; the trait is called mirroring.  :)oes any of that speak to you, now that you know her well?  Is it possible what you saw in her that you liked was the good in you being reflected back to you?

You say that you would go back in a heartbeat, to someone who 'destroyed' you and whom you went through 'an extremely rough three month period' with, leaving you depressed and lost.  I understand the internal conflict, and objectively that doesn't make sense, why would we do that to ourselves?  More will be revealed as you get time and distance.

We could talk about the difference between a loving partnership of equals and rescuing someone you care about who needs it, although for now have you made a list?  Try making a list of all the unacceptable things you tolerated in the relationship, all the behaviors; the list will grow as you remember things, and it can be used to adjust your focus as you address the internal conflict.

Hey, it gets better, one foot in front of the other.  What's the first thing on that list?