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My wife said this to me a little while ago.  I'm puzzled.  She said she felt she didn't know who I was and that I lack an identity.  This seems completely opposite of what nearly everyone else has told me my whole life.  Generally, I get comments about how interesting, diverse, deep, and self-sufficient I am.   

I know this is projection of some kind... .right?

And at the same time, she claimed I am too focused on others and not on myself.  Usually, I am claimed to be the opposite - quiet, independent, and solitary. 

To me, someone who lacks an identity is someone who is uncomfortable being alone, is constantly moving, changing jobs and friends, and is adapting their behavior to the behavior of who their friends are.  I am about the opposite of that - and she even says so!  That I am too  stubborn and set in my ways. 

Other projections I can somewhat understand.  But this one has me baffled.  The most logical explanation I can think of is that she pictured what kind of personality one must have in order to be with a person like her, and that person is described as an extroverted person who lacks a strong identity.

Thoughts?

Maybe.

Or maybe she is just criticizing you in whatever way she happens to think of at the time.  She seems to have a strong need to tear you down and wear you down until there's nothing left.    Her thinking is so disordered there is really no telling what is behind that comment.  

Max, What if you wife looked you straight in the eye tonight and said, "You are the one with the problems.  There is nothing wrong with me.  It's all you.  You make me scream at you and cuss you out and call you names.   I hit you because you MAKE me have to.  YOu make me feel violent.    I am going to scream at you if I want to, and I am going to assault you again if I want to.  YOu don't know when it will happen, but it will definitely happen.  And it will not be my fault when it does.  Nothing in this relationship has ever been, or will ever be, my fault.  If you are with me, you will be verbally and physically abused.  So get used to it."  

Her words and her actions are basically telling you this now

Maybe it is her throwing out criticisms to see what sticks.  But I get the impression there has been much thought about this on her end, and in the end this feels like another "it can't be all me, it must be you, too" type argument.  I think in her mind, this makes sense. 

Verbena, I'm glad you posted that.  You are right, her actions and words by even making me partially responsible for her behavior are telling me that she really doesn't want to own up to her half.  I will post more details of the conversation in my other thread.

Hey maxsterling,

I can understand how frustrating it can be when a partner suffers from mental illness.

A lesson my wife thought me was listen.

Silence is a source of great strength

She was telling me how controlling I was for years and she was right. I wasn't listening, I was in denial.

Not everything was projection, she was complaining about some of my behaviors.

She thinks in black and white

You are not acting black and white

So she can't understand your behaviors. they are alien to her

When she assigns you an identity, your new confidence wont allow it to stick

So she can't tag your identity, hence you must not have one (again black and white thinking)

The fact that she simply can't understand it doesn't compute, as that takes acceptance.

Hi maxsterling,


just because your wife may suffer from BPD does not mean she can't have some insights. Unlike some others here I believe it is worth pondering whether and what the truth in her statements is. Only you will know.

The way I see it is that we interact with others and often most intensely across our boundaries. Co-dependent people have few and weak boundaries and to know what they truly stand for is hard to figure out from the outside. Likely you have given up or suppressed own desires and needs to avoid conflict or triggering your wife. That makes it hard for her to experience the real you and is in some way a form of abandonment.


Are you truly yourself when you around your wife?

anOught, you bring up some interesting questions. I remember my BPD mother telling me that I was "weak" and later I became a push-over with my first BPD husband. This strategy for me was a matter of survival, first as a child with a very domineering and critical mother, and later with a violent and abusive husband.

I ignored my own needs and just endeavored to keep the peace, in other words, to keep the pwBPD around me from exploding.

From what I've read of your story, Max, I think you've done this too with your wife. Sometimes, with volatile people, we don't see that we have any other choice. But I think there's always a choice... .

Maybe you act differently with her than you do with others. I know I did with my exs. Maybe this is why she thinks you dont have an identity because she also changes her behaviour around others. As she feels she lacks an identity then she may think you are the same.

This one cuts deep... .because no, I don't think I'm myself around my w.

She sees glimpses of me when I'm with others, laughing or something with my immediate family... .We'll reminisce about Vegas, or some TV show and you can watch her anxiety levels ramp up... .

Even though we've talked about it dozens of times... .

  1.  Yes, before we started dating (in our late 40s) I wouldn't think twice about going to a show/movie that contained nudity.  My first wife didn't have a problem with it, so it wasn't a big deal.

  2.  Current wife has issues with nudity, we agreed to not watch things with nudity.  She'll lookup movies before hand.

  3.  We'll get together with family and will talk about some old show/movie that contained nudity... .we won't talk about the nudity (usually not the focus of the show anyway).  but some things may contain nudity (or sexual situations, which we haven't discussed explicitly)

Afterwards she'll spend hours talking about what she's "denying me". 

For me, we've discussed it, agreed on what we'll do moving forward, and I've abided by it.

For some reason, me doing this for her causes anxiety.  I don't think she feels bad I'm doing it for her, but feels bad I'm me... .if I was a better person we wouldn't have to agree on this, we would both think it isn't right... .

One level removed, I'm guessing she doesn't want me to do something for her, because then she feels bad about not doing things for me... .but that's not something I can say is definite... .