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I've wanted to tell her how she is treating me is humiliating but before I could even get to that point she did it again.

She cant stay over, this time because she is not feeling well and needs to go home and rest.   There was no problem staying over and being sick five out of seven days for six months when she had no where else to go.

Doles out her time to me like its a precious gift that i should be thankful for and if i don't enjoy it then she just cant keep doing this!  Im seeing no fears of abandonment, more like she would give a rats ass. 

She wont let me get close enough for serious conversation about our relationship and possibly knows a talk is coming.

Before when I questioned her on her behavior and "lack of Love" she would storm off and it would be the end of conversation.  This was before I knew of her condition and now I cant get her comfortable enough to bring up how she is disrespecting me.

I dont know if I can do this much longer, everything is getting twisted into something its not.  Her need for control does not allow her to admit fault. EVER!

  Should I go NC and try to get some power and gonads back?   

How do i tell her I question the validity of her love (because she does not show it)  w/o her turning it into me trying to "control" her or me looking like a dweeb?

sorry in advance for rambling post, Im just so confused!

Hi Pacify,


you can't tell her not to abuse you as it won't help and possibly may matters worse. This is not someone who accidentally invades your personal space and steps on your toes - in such a situation talk helps. She is one who - as a matter of her general routine that helps her to function - steps on your toes because it helps her. You have little choice other than taking measures to prevent that. Either move your toes or put on shoes with steel caps.

Now using boundaries where there is neglect and lack of attention is tough. Boundaries put effective lines in the sand and that pushes the partners to a degree apart. Often in our co-dependent relationships this is healthy and allows then both sides to heal and grow. But the it can also lead to a split, particularly when the relationship is young and attachment is weak. Validation builds healthy connections and can help to a degree to counter the centrifugal forces that come into play with boundaries.


Don't engage in such discussions - what is the point - they only further her position as the queen of drama. Her admission matters less as long as you control the consequences or don't protect her from consequences elsewhere. A better strategy is to either step away or to validate her emotion - she feels innocent, upset, wronged etc... Once validated she can see reality clearer and may come by herself to the conclusion that maybe there is another side to the story.

Validation is not agreement. Validation is not all positive. Maybe as a first step focus on communication skills? Communication starts with listening. There have been studies that showed that doctors who let their patients fully explain themselves before talking were much more effective also time-wise. Let her talk. Listen and provide sensible feedback. It will help you to understand her better and it will make her want to spend more time with you. Be also clear what you won't tolerate and find ways to put a boundary there. Boundaries are vital to protect your ego and values however are never free so choose wisely.