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About 3 months ago he (undiagnosed BPD husband) moved out to the indoor balcony. Almost total silent treatment unless/until he needed something. Three weeks ago he left. This morning he called the police to help him move his things out (despite him having been in and out of the house multiple times since he left).

Now what?

Hi ptilda,

first a  . Having the police turning up out of nowhere must have been quite a shock!

From what you wrote your husband stay is somewhat dependent on you. Him moving away for no reason makes little sense unless he believes the sex slave story is true (don't think he is that delusional) or the sex slave story is a way to trump that visa condition (which makes little sense either). What worries me a bit is his persistent acting, smearing and involving the police creating a paper trail. That smells a bit of scheming and game playing. Of course it could also be simple overwhelming fear and projecting the way he would act if he would be you on to you and getting scared.

It is certainly confusing and odd behavior so be careful not to give him leverage over you. I would not be surprised if he starts coming back, latching on a another women or acting up once he realizes that he is facing immigration consequences. For you it is important to be clear about what boundaries can protect you. If in doubt do not hesitate to seek professional legal advice. On the other hand he could simply come back once he has calmed down.

It is impossible to tell. His actions have already hurt you badly. Make sure you are well protected from further harm. If he is coming back you then can engage with confidence.

Well after he left, I checked the mail and to my amusement found car insurance papers and a car title for him. Also there was a forwarding  address confirmation with the USPS, so this is in the works for a bit (at least a few days).

I didn't say anything about the mail (still deciding what to do.

Then today he called me. I let it go to VM. Then he texted me and said he had some mail coming (thinking he was talking about the mail I got). Then he sent the same message to Facebook when I didn't answer. Then he sent messages clarifying that it was a book, was to be delivered by UPS, etc. I sensed he was starting to panic (thinking I would keep it or something that he dreams up) so I sent: "I'll get it. Teaching." Indicating that I was too busy to talk because I didn't want it to be open to more questions. He wrote back, "thank you so much" a bit uncharacteristically.

Came home tonight and his book was here. Checked the mailbox and saw that there's a registered letter waiting too, and I assume it's for him since the last name is that of his family. So now I have his car insurance, car title, some book he was pretty concerned about, and the notification/receipt to pick up a certified letter on Monday.

Questions are how should I handle it? I've come up with some possibilities:

- Do nothing (probably not a good idea)

- Arrange to meet him (also not a good idea)

- Tell him that I am available at such and such a time and he is to arrange a police escort to come in and pick up his things (this feels better than the others)

- Give the things to my pastor whom he has used before to get things to me (this pastor is busy, but would be willing if needed. Pros: it would allow him to connect again with the pastor who has about 30 years experience in counseling and therapy; cons: I feel like this is playing his game his way)

- Bring the stuff to his job and drop it off without a word to him

- Ask him for a forwarding address (he'll assume this is a trap)

- Leave the things with the Haitian pastor (whom I've tried to get him to see with me, so he'll also see this as a trap and it won't work because he'll shut down before going)

- Ask him for the address of his lawyer (assuming he has one) and bring the things to the office

- Leave the things with another mutual friend (also playing his way)

I feel like I need to give him the things because this is one way to start removing the black paint. Plus, I'm just not a vindictive person. It's his stuff, it should go to him.

I just think that this can be used to establish some sort of boundary (you left and didn't take your key, I'm not under any obligation to make sure you get this stuff).

I also think that it's too soon from when he left for me to be in contact with him. I want to wait at least until Monday to make ANY effort to get it all to him.

Thoughts?

And it's just a slave, not a sex slave. He's not quite that creative yet. :)