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To continue my previous thread (Wash, Rinse, Repeat)... .

Just brainstorming here, and probably thinking too much of the future and getting myself too worked up... .

Is serving the OOP about my only option?  Am I in denial about this?

I see three general possibilities:

1) I keep trying to enforce boundaries.  Obviously she's not going to change, and I still face harmful dysregulation several times a week.  I can't keep living like this forever. 

2) Break up/separate/divorce as if this were a relationship between two emotionally healthy people.  My fear here is that it will be absolute hell and potentially more harmful to me until she finds another place to live. 

3) Serve the Order of Protection and then arrange for a legal separation.  My therapists, my social workers, and about all I have read list this as the safest option, because there is no telling what someone who is as dysregulated as my wife is capable of.

I know for now I will stay with option #1.  And day after day it's less because I have hopes of things working out, but rather that I just feel like I need to remain as calm as possible for my own health in the short term.  My analogy is like swimming across a large body of water, feeling exhausted, and finding an island to rest on before the final push.

Just thinking out loud here.  I know this is the "staying" board, but I feel this is a good topic - when we tried our best, yet must face the inevitable.

You have fought very, very hard to help  your wife yourself and to get her help.  I wish she was able to understand just how blessed she has been to have someone who loves her as much as you obviously must. She's just not capable of understanding that or changing, I'm afraid.  

So you are right, option #2 is not feasible.  You will likely end up dead if you go that route.  

What it boils down to is that you just aren't ready to serve the OOP because you know that is truly the end of the marriage.  I understand that.  You still have it in you to tolerate the behavior a little longer; you haven't reached  your breaking point yet. When you've had all you can take, you will know it.  Then you can serve the OOP.  

I'm so sorry, Max, for all that has happened to you.  I feel bad for both of you.  

Personally, I would try avoid raising the stakes right now. Maybe you both need a real break from each other. Any way for you to take a trip of a week or so on your own, or go visit family, a friend? Any way to step out of this and get that week away from her so she can calm down and you can calm down and get much needed rest, food, so on?

I realize you are at risk for your well being and should protect yourself. At the same time, continuing to put yourself in a situation that is clearly getting worse the more you try and enforce new boundries... .already she is at such a high level of upset and you are talking about increasing the pressure on her.

Is this a realistic and sensible approach. Maybe other's here have better understanding than me ( as I am so new to all of this) and are a great deal wiser, so I don't mean to cause you upset or offense.

I just think you are taking risks and maybe stepping back to descalate could be helpful to both of you.

It's so easy for us, sitting on the sidelines, to advise you that you are worth far more than what you're getting out of this relationship. And for us to predict that if you stay, you're in for more of the same, and worse.

But you're the one who fell in love with her, decided to get married, kept a positive attitude in spite of the rough patches and now you're in the position of looking at this relationship with the perspective of the future--wondering if somehow, some way, it could fulfill your needs.

I trust that you will make the right decision for you. No matter what you choose, it will be difficult. Imagine yourself as the 75 year old Max, who is giving you the wisdom of years of life experience. Follow his lead

Max I've been following your story for some time without really commenting. I just want to echo what Cat said above. This is sound advice.

I really feel for you and wish for you all the peace and happiness possible.

PT

Ultimately max your dilemma comes down to what this board is about.

It is about when we have tried everything and our relationship hasn't improved, do we then stay knowing that the relationship as it stands is unsustainable if what we want to regain is our emotional well being. Or do we leave, knowing this is the healthiest option, but the most difficult one?

These questions may sound as though they are for the Undecided board, but I don't think they are. In the board guidelines it says this board is about trying to regain stability in our lives and our relationships, and if we cannot, then it is not about staying at any cost. It is about asking ourselves difficult questions, and being asked similarly difficult questions by members.

I remember being struck by Skip writing that it is not a members role to continually validate each other's struggles, because this leads to enabling and rescuing and that keeps someone stuck where they are in their relationship difficulties.  I was all for validation all the time  :)

I can hear that you want to stay loud and clear, but I can also hear that you are understandably struggling living in the situation as it stands.  Someone wrote in response to you Staying and not serving the OOP after your wife attacked you, that your heart is making your decisions for you, not your wise mind.

I believe that until your actions are not led by your emotions, your situation will remain unclear for you.

What questions would you ask a member if you were reading your posts as another's on this board ?

What would a wise mind response look like to you if you had to answer this post ?

Max,

Howgozit?

I'm picking up a bit of an assumption... .and I'm hoping you can clarify this... .

Are you assuming that if you serve the OOP... .your r/s is over? 

I understand... .and agree that it is a likely outcome of doing this... .I'm a percentage guy... .and I think it is better than 50% chance. 

What I do think there is 100% chance of... is that your r/s will never be the same after serving it.  I think it is likely that will be a good thing... .one way or another.

Think back to my story a bit.  I had many assumptions about how things would go when I made my report to social services about the discipline (spanking) issue in my house.

That was a hard and scary thing to do... .our r/s has never been the same since.  That has been a good thing. 

I'll hush for now... .wish you well... .and look for your response to see if I understand your thinking correctly... .before I post more here.

FF