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My Husband emailed me that he has been thinking about me allot lately and gets choked up when he drives by my apartment... .I wonder if he is starting to compare me to the new r/s now that the honeymoon period seems to be ending-rather fast I might add! He is still going to her place and I believe she is now trying to get him to move in... .she commented that she is waiting for him to get "home" from work. I know he is not living with her yet... .maybe she is pressuring him to do so. He wants to talk eventually, but I know he doesn't want to do anything to change. Probably just feels guilty and wants to see how I am doing to feel better about himself. I don't want to talk to him. Is this a form of hovering- to say he is thinking about me to make me think something?

Maybe it's 'buyers regret'?

Maybe he thinks he can have his 'cake and eat it too'?

I would not trust him, or talk to him.

He could have been thinking about you and not told you about it; the fact that he said in an email that he was thinking about you and gets choked up when he drives by is bait, to see if an attachment is still in place with you, and if it is, maybe you can be of some use to him managing emotions he can't manage himself.  Why you popped up on his radar we don't know, maybe the fantasy is wearing off with the new gal, maybe he's in a crappy mood for some other reason, doesn't matter in that sense, his soother radar turned to you.

You don't want to talk to him, so best to go stealth on his radar; have I milked the radar metaphor enough yet?  More clearly, think attachments with borderlines, establishing them, measuring them, testing to see if they're still in place; it's survival to a borderline, an unhealthy fusing of psyches to make him 'complete', since he literally wouldn't exist on his own in his head.  Any emotional reaction from you, even if you're pissed off, indicates to him an attachment is still there so he'll keep trying, so best to act bored, disinterested, busy with other things, sorry gotta go, not many words, and he'll eventually run off to the next shiny object.  If things are going south in his relationship and she's becoming the trigger instead of the soother he will be looking for other attachments, so best to refine the stealth mode now.  Take care of you!

Sounds like he is attempting to form a Karpmann Triangle. At any rate... .he is showing no respect for you or your feelings. Do you welcome the contact?  Mine did this and I needed to block all avenues of contact. Even changed my phone number. She would then try to "ambush" me in public places when I was alone and totally minding my own business. (Then living with replacement). I found the behavior to be revolting and totally disrespectful to both of us. I never allowed contact, found an exit or walked away.  What I do have is me and my self respect... .that is a lot after going through one of these devastating nightmares.

I do identify with your situation... .God bless. 

Manipulation.

Several things could happen here. Yes, he is trying to gauge if there is interest.

But... .

He is either looking to:

A) triangulate you with the new person to spur competition.

B) get you back only to dump you and go back to her (remember that fun push pull phase)?

C) wants you back: as his confidant and enabler.

Nothing and I repeat nothing good can come of contact.

Hi Herodias,

I can see how this would be confusing. You've got good advice so far.


I just want to add, listen to your intuition. BPD is emotional arrested development, social impairments and rigid thought patterns and he'd need therapy for improvement.

I think that you have the right idea with not talking to him. He made his bed, he can lay in it and sounds to me like pull behavior.