BPDFamily.com

I haven't posted or checked this board in a while. I made a deal with myself that I was  going to step away from the world of BPD for at least a month. I also decided no checking the ex facebook or anything like that. It was a good month but then the 4th of July comes around. My therapist says the holidays are the toughest and I just need to make it through. Well I did. I am proud to say I only cried twice for a few minutes and then I was done. Last year at this time we were all sitting on the beach watching the fireworks together as a family planning our life. Today she has a guy living in her house raising the kids I was suppose to be raising. I did get a message from her daughter the other day saying how much she misses me... .I known that added to my tears over the holiday.

Then I made the mistake of checking FB. Reading about how wonderful life is with the replacement and how blessed they are to have him in their lives. I remember when those FB posts used to be about me. I remember when I was the greatest thing since sliced bread.  It bothers me how their life can just go on... .no remorse no feeling of hurt or empathy for the life they destroyed. What scares me is I still want that life we planned. I understand it is a fantasy and I understand how abusive and cruel she was but why do I still want her?  Why do I want this person who treated me so horribly?  I don't even like her!  Its  like I hate her but I love her at he same time.  And I try so hard to let my past with her go. Most of the time I can. I am 10 months out and my life is so good. Why do I sometimes fall backwards?

Hi willtimeheal,

I am feeling similar, today.  I notice that for the holidays... .I am originally not aware of it, but then find myself sliding into a depressive mood.

I have been in bed all day... .  Not really thinking about him at all... .that I realized.  But I know somewhere in my subconscious... .just like on Father's Day... .he must be in my mind somewhere.

I don't typically think of him always... .  But I do catch myself sometimes thinking... hey it is the end of the school year... .SD... .must be doing xyz, I used to help with cleaning out the back pack, organizing for the upcoming year, help picking classes, help with side tutoring to help her get into a better class level for the following year.

Then Mother's Day... .  We got into a fight.  He shunned and gripped at my son... .  So I recalled that unpleasant time.


I can't speak for everyone, however, I imagine we all feel this way to an extent.  I imagine it is common and to expect that, especially the first year that as major events pass then feelings will resurface and we will have opportunities to grieve... .or process things again.   I do not see this as falling backwards, rather moments where undone work is surfacing because we are ready for it.

I think tho  for me... .I will start to realize the markers on the calendar... .prepare ahead to structure my time and schedule some relaxing, gentle, and fun things for me to look forward to ... .so that I do not find myself lying in bed waiting for the holiday to pass me.