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Do they want us to hate them?  My exBPDbf keeps telling me "you will hate me" and "the hate will kick in."  It is almost as if he wants me to hate him, like that would make more sense to him?  Can anyone else relate?

They want us/someone to love them, but then can't handle it when things become too close. Black or white thinking being pretty standard with a pwBPD, it flips to perceptions of hate instead. More like they have to hate us to be able to leave. My now-ex specifically wanted to know if I hated her, after we had broken up the final time. It was much more important than following through with whatever love we shared. Very telling as far as how she saw things/lives her life. It's shame-based, projecting the negativity instead of claiming it/changing the behaviors that lead to such a place.

I can relate, but only from the distant past while I was in high school.  What this sounds/feels like to me is a cry for validation; tell me I am ok and loveable even though I don't feel like I am.  

To the uninitiated, it seems like a simple enough response to say you are not hated, until you actually say it and then realize that you cannot say it enough times for them to believe it.  The reason being is that this is not what they are asking you to say.  They want internal validation to know that they are OK as a person and are seeking that validation from the outside because they cannot give it to themselves.  Hence the hatred comment, I can't get what I need from me nor you so hate myself and once you see this you will hate me too.

If you are a "non", there is a tendency to rise to the occasion and be helpful and show the person that they are worthy and loved.  This is the place at which we get sucked in.  Be careful if you are at this juncture or have already passed it.  Far more difficult trials await you if you go down this road and get attached or are having a hard time breaking an unhealthy attachment.

Hi WhereToBegin,

As myself suggested a pwBPD have rigid thought patterns and dichotomous thinking. The core of the disorder is the core wound of abandonment, abandonment and a fear of abandonment perceived or real and expect that everyone in their lives will leave them.

I think that he's projecting his thoughts with his internal anger that he feels directed at the world and others. A pwBPD have difficulties acknowledging the effects of their behaviors on loved ones and believe it's other people's actions and behaviors that are the source of that person's malaise.

As I previously stated that the thought patterns are rigid and displayed for a long period of time for it to be a personality disorder; maladaptive coping skills and very often the reasons are from external circumstances and not from that person's behaviors and blaming the world and other people and that would be his anger.

My guess is that he knows that the eventual feelings of anger under the surface will eventually kick in and I think he was indirectly warning you by subconsciously shifting those uncomfortable feelings to you by projecting them. I think it helps when we identify projection and that the feelings belong to that person and that it's not our responsibility for other people's feelings.

I hope that helps.


---Mutt

Thank you for your thoughtful responses.  Of course my gut reaction is to say "I don't hate you, I love you" ... .But I can't say that, even though I think I feel that now, because it will lead us back on a crazy roller coaster.  I am trying LC, but when things like this are said - I don't even know how to respond. 

I'm in contact with my ex because we co-parent and lately she's emotionally dysregulated and projects often and it can be difficult.

I find what helps is validating the valid and not validating the invalid. If I absolutely have to respond when she's dysregulated or projecting or both, I try to find something I can validate and respond back with what's valid.

In your case, he's telling how you feel and he's making assumptions. Is there something else perhaps in your communication with him that you can validate? Was he simply telling you that you hate him or was there more to it?

I think you have it right with not validating the invalid if he's simply telling you how you feel when you don't feel that way.

Hi All,

Perhaps I'm not understanding the posts that have gone before and this has been said already, but I can't help wondering if it is simply that because they know that hate kicks in for them eventually, they assume hate kicks in for everyone in a relationship eventually, which would include any partner they have.

For example: I had a non BPD friend who had cheated on her past boyfriends. She got really worried that her current boyfriend was cheating on her. She was measuring him by her own behaviour.

Lifewriter

After our b/u (due to her infidelity), she was sure I was going to change the locks on the door, delete all her pictures, change the garage door code, etc. To each one I would simply say, "no - have have no plans to do any of those things."

I think, since she's discarded other people, she's very familiar with the emotional response she receives as a result. She expected it from me due to her past experiences with other people - that's my best guess.

I can absolutely relate.  I always trusted mine and respected her. I treated her with respect... .We would argue at time, but it was always respectful. I am sure that I never called her a name, etc.

Then her behavior just exploded when she ran off with replacement. I mean... she lied about any and everything... .they obviously pre-planned acting out in front of me in public and she just said such hateful things to me. It was more than obvious that I was just devastated and upset... .There was just no call to treat me the way she/they did... .it was all so uncalled for and evil. They were clearly enjoying themselves? 

If she wanted me to hate her she ran an excellent campaign to make that happen.

I don't think that I hate her, I know that she is mentally ill... .but I definitely will never interact with her in any way for the rest of my time on this planet. It would be a direct act of "not loving me".

I really did respect my exBPD, but she was always so full of lies and always played with my feelings. I really think she enjoyed this. Once she told me that she's afraid I wouldn't respect her and hate her. I do hate her and I don't respect her, I will never respect her. So why did she do all this bs to me? She treated me like sh!t she would even treat her cat better. So how can you love a person like this? I don't wish her well, and to be honest I don't even care what she's doing or what she'll do or who she does, maybe she ends up on the street and loses her house. Now I only care about myself.

They don't care if you hate them, as soon they find out they can't control you they will vanish. Mine only told me this BS so I would stay with her. Too late for that I guess. That what she did when I told her that I'm going to date an another girl, this was when she broke up with me. The last couple weeks where basically a huge fight. I have no reason to stick with an idiot like her.

Once she even called me crying and said that she's afraid I will hate her. This was just an act so I would feel sorry for her, if she really knew the difference between love and hate she wouldn't behave like she did.

Many pwBPD have intense self-loathing and view themselves as bad or evil. Along with the self-loathing, factor in the impulsivity, negative affect, and self-sabotage through maladaptive behaviors, it is almost like they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. This pattern of behavior has been reinforced so much, it is instinctual to pwBPD.  Many of their abandonment fears are centered on rejection and they believe that you will reject them, therefore they push you away. My pwBPD has mentioned that I will eventually hate/leave him and much of that was geared towards him projecting his inner feelings of self-loathing.

Mutt, I am not sure what I can validate.  His messages went something like this:  "I'm sorry for ruining your life ... .I know my words mean nothing ... .which happens when you lie ... .I get that ... .I hope one day you can forgive me for for pain I caused ... .hate me for (insert long list of things) ... .turn whatever love you have for me into hate and I promise I will pass as another foolish mistake and unworthy memory." 

How the heck do I respond to that?

The simple answer is that theyre expecting it as their other exs all ended up hating them.

Thats the most likely or they believe all their exs hated them.

I think a whole lot of people don't really realize what they dealt with, so natural, once they put up with a personality disordered behavior, hate is where they end up at. For that matter, a whole lot of my friends wanted to whoop my exs a$$ in the end after she run off without an explanation. They hated her for me. But once I figured out what I dealt with... .I just can't hate her even though she damn near killed me with what she did.

With total silence. Then you can move on, and "perhaps" he can look at the repeated pattern of himself and go and seek out some help instead of taking another hostage. My bet is that that will not happen, though... .but at least you have a shot at healing and moving forward, away from the mess.

I can understand not knowing how to respond to that. I don't see something that you can validate. You had a romantic relationship with your ex partner and you're in low-contact.

I think that the purpose that we give ourselves the space is to detach, step back and take a look at the bigger picture, turn our attention on ourselves and take care of ourselves, and heal our wounds. It may get worst with extinction bursts.

You were a source of soothing for him.


You can set a goal to depersonalize his behaviors and what helps to depersonalize is to learn as much as you can about the disorder. His self-loathing is not personal to you.

I understand that he's not in therapy and that he says that he works this stuff in his mind?  No one knows if he may or may not commit himself to therapy and without therapy he has little chance to improve.

My ex partner is not diagnosed and she displays traits, she is the same person I met a decade ago.

Another goal that you can achieve is radically accept (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0) with the will to let go of the ideas of what he should be and accept him as he is. I'm not saying that you have your ideas about him, and I mean to accept him and the disorder.

I think it begins with letting go and detaching, learn the nuts and bolts with BPD, depersonalize the behaviors and radically accept. His messages may change, his self loathing is a part of the disorder and he will most likely share this with you.

For example, I'm two and a half years out of my r/s and as I mentioned before my ex-wife projects and there was a time that I took it personal. I would get very upset and I know that she's emotionally arrested and this is a part of her, I accept that and its not personal to me.

I can find things that I can validate and judging by the message that you shared with us, I'd let that one go and not respond.

Is it that far off? Don't most them?