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My beloved uBPDh has put me in a bit of a quandary, and I'm not sure how to respond to him.

After months of escalating issues (partially because I was unaware of the BPD issues and I tried to deal with him like a "normal" mentality), hubbs moved out going on a month ago and Thursday I awoke to activity downstairs and went down to find a cop standing in my kitchen asking if there's a problem. I informed him quietly that this is an ongoing issue with hubbs where he calls the police whenever he can even when absolutely nothing is happening. This time it was for "protection" from me while he moves his things out (of course, HE is the one who has gotten violent, not me).

Less than 24 hours later hubbs calls, texts, and sends frantic Facebook message one after another about some mail he was expecting (he left his key when he moved his things out). I had gotten his car title and insurance papers the night before in the mail, but hadn't told him about them yet, but there was a book he was tracking. I told him "I'll get them. Teaching." to make it clear that I can't engage (boundaries, right?)

So after he tried to come by Friday night and get the key (interesting how he needs police protection in the middle of the day when I'm likely not even home, but not at night to meet me one-on-one), but I had left town for the weekend, I told him I'll let him know when I'm back. Got back today and put everything INCLUDING his key and a note advising that I don't want him to have trouble if he gets any more mail, in a manila envelope and sealed it up with "to: his name, from: my name :)" on the front.

Brought it to his job and asked them to give it to him. Sent him a message and said:

"I brought everything to your job at [location]. They said let you know it's in [boss's] box."

"You'll need to bring the pink slip with your ID to the post office on [street name] to pick up the registered letter." (he's from Haiti and hasn't received registered mail here before and he got a slip saying he has to sign for a letter.)

"It's all sealed in a brown envelope with your name on it."

He wrote back:

"I don't understand"

"why did you bring them to [his job]"

"OK"

"I can't tell you what to do but why did you go to where I'm working to drop them? Why didn't you leave them even to pastor [name of my pastor & co-worker/boss] and I would get them?"

"Anyway thanks a lot" (this is a sincere thanks, not sarcastic, from what I know of his writing style)

I did not respond. Yet.

He's used this pastor to deliver messages to me, and has arranged a meeting with him where he played about 30 minutes of a 90+minute recording he's been making (secretly) of our conversations trying to make a case against me. Pastor cut him off after about 30 minutes. He's trying to keep the relationship going, but knows that there's definitely mental health issues and so isn't trying to indulge him in an unhealthy way.

But the question is, should I address this inconsistency? He went to my pastor/co-worker/head and brought very personal things (recordings of personal conversations) without my knowledge in order to turn people against me. He has given me other things through this individual despite the fact that there's no other relationship between the two of them. So why can't I bring things discretely to his place of employment? I specifically chose this method so that there would be as little drama as possible. I figured I didn't want to bring others into the situation (he is very private, and friends would ask questions which I didn't want to answer). I didn't want to play the game of leaving it here or there. I could have insisted that he get a police escort to pick it up since he finds police presence necessary, but that was more drama. I figured dropping it off in a nondescript package would be best for everyone. Now looks like I made the wrong choice.

Help!

It sounds like a typical smear campaign.

You've tried to argue with your pwBPD right? I personally could never win with mine and somehow it always ended up being my fault. I would personally not even bother trying to bring up any inconsistencies.

I gave up "discussion" long ago. My only concern is to respectfully (to both of us) answer his question letting him know I made the choice with both of our best interests in mind.

So I went out on my own wisdom and prayerful consideration and went with this answer:

"I felt that was the most neutral solution which wouldn't require police involvement or unnecessary involvement of other uninvolved individuals."

He responded: "If you only you thought of that before? Anyway at my work too it was necessary."

He was referring likely to the fact that I called the police on him when he beat me up (which he now denies doing) and/or my speaking with his family about what happened (my phone called his sister while I was crying and locked in the bathroom and she heard me crying and asked me what was going on).

My response was: "I'm on your side, [name]."

No response, and I expected none.

So another question (text) came tonight: "Why you gave the key back to me?"

Not sure how to answer. At the time I wanted him to feel sure that I wasn't shutting him out and that I was trying to keep communication open. I put a note with the key saying I gave it so we didn't run into trouble if he received other mail in the future. Thought that would be enough.

Now I'm wondering if it appears to him that I'm trying to manipulate him or convince him to come home. I want to answer carefully so that he will be sure that it's not an invitation for things to go back how they were, but just me doing what I felt was right at the time... .It's so hard to anticipate the reactions that might be stirred up by a sincere action like this... .

Here's what I'm working out based on S.E.T.:

"I want to be certain that you have access to the house and to any important mail you might receive. It must have been very frustrating for you to have to wait for me to get the items to you when you needed them. In the future, you will still have access and won't have to wait for me to find time and a way to make the delivery of your things."

Thoughts? I'm new at this!

So he leaves you the key, and you also return it back so he can get his own things and you do not mail them to him?  Am I following?

You said he is abusive.  Are you comfortable with him having access to the home at this point?

If your goal is to reconnect and make it easy for him to do so... .then your SET is perfect... .IMO.


this is exactly the sentiment I gathered from your words.

I don't have a forwarding address, and he seemed to think it was urgent for him to get them. Asking for a forwarding address was an option, but I think it would cause more issues than it's worth.

He once got physical to the point I had to call the police. From then, he is very aware of not giving me opportunity to call the police on him (though he calls whenever he can). He is extremely psychologically and verbally abusive. However, if/when he decides to come back, we will discuss conditions. For now, I highly doubt that's an issue.

My goal IS to reconnect and make him feel safe. The reality is that we have 2 real options: split up and he goes back to Haiti, or make a real effort to work things out with counseling, but this has to be done in the next  year or so because we have about a year and a half before his interview to determine that it was a legitimate marriage and not fraud for him to obtain a visa. Right now, he's cooking his proverbial goose.