BPDFamily.com

Ive never posted here, ive read here a LOT. For over 10 years now. But ive never posted before.

Id put all this ___ away, in a box, marked dont open.  Then my mum died last week. And im an emotional bloody wreck since.  Like im a child again, not a grown woman.

There is such finality in death.

She will never say "im sorry"

She would never say this anyway! So why does it feel like ive lost some hope, albeit a fantasy?

We can never work it out now.

We could of never worked it out anyway. 

There are a thousand examples like above, that are going over and over in my head.  Just when you think you can put this crap down, it comes back up again doesn't it.

has anyone else on here, put a lid on it, only to have it blown open by death?

I havent,  but I can imagine what you are going through.  I cant believe no one aside from me has answered you. Unbelieveable.   Im really sorry for your loss and the after effects you are going through. I believe it will fade in time. Maybe each day you can let go of a little more and spend time on things that make you feel happiness, instead of the strife she put you through.  Try to forgive her for that if you can and maybe find a counselor to help you through this time.   This reminds me a lot of a relationship I had that was going bad, me being treated badly and then I just cut off!  Left with all the garbage that he dumped on me to sort out with no answers from him or resolve in any way.  It was hell.     Stay strong,  things can only get better now. 

Hi Soften, I am very sorry to hear about your loss

These are early days to make sense of something so profound and devastating; I'm glad you've reached out for support.


  Not sure what your spiritual leanings are, but for me there's a certain peace that comes with death - Rest in Peace.  My dad had schizophrenia and it brings me peace knowing that he's no longer suffering with the tortured thoughts.  I don't know that things are always meant to be understood or worked out in life, so my hope is for acceptance of the unknown, for the things I can't see, but can feel in my heart.

With deepest condolences, wishing you better days ahead... .

Sincerely, Phoebe

Hi Soften.  I am sorry for your loss and for the grief you are feeling.  Losing a parent is difficult in any circumstances, but when the relationship was damaged there is often another layer(s) of feelings that need to be dealt with. 

My uBPD mother died in 2007.  We had no true closure either.  No reconciliation, no repairs of a relationship that was very disordered, though improvements at my end had been made.  None of that was in the cards for me, and like you, I was able to recognize that on an intellectual level but emotionally?  It has been a more difficult journey for me.  Very recently I had an experience where I realized a part of me is still holding on to hope and is longing for a mother (not necessarily my mother, but a mother).  People here helped me to see that that is normal, though I still struggle with it as a 49 year old who is more than capable of taking care of herself.

I mention the above to simply to share and to let you know that you are not alone and what you are feeling is normal.  As difficult as it is right now, the good news is the lid on the box is blown off completely.  Yes it is a jarring and painful experience, but you will come through this.  As you said, there is finality in death but there can also be eventual release as well.  Don't fight the feelings.  Don't slam the lid back on the box. 

Keep posting.  There are lots of people here who can offer support, understanding and who can offer perspective.   

Hi soften

I too am sorry for your loss. It becomes clear from your post that your mother did not treat you right. She was still your mother though and even after all you've been through I think it's normal that you would now experience these intense emotions.

The way you describe things it sounds like you might be grieving the death of the final remnants of hope. Letting go of the fantasy parent you never had is never easy and I think many children of BPD parents will always have a part deep down inside of them that still hurts and longs for the parent they never had. Your mother's death seems to have brought that part of you to the surface now.

Take care and I hope you are able to treat yourself with compassion as you go through this difficult period

Soften

In the same spot... .don't want to hijack your thread... .but just to say... .I get it.  I posted last week agonizing over whether to go and see uBPD mom because of fear in what she might say... .the decision was taken out of my hands as she lost conciousness and was taken off of life support.

For me... .everyone is now saying all these wonderful things about who mom was... .well, my inner child says, why didn't I get that version of her? Why did I get the mean and nasty abusive version? The one who called me "a little brat who made her life a living hell", the one who put a 2 page letter in the middle of my birthday card last year about how I was a horrible person/christian? Who caused me to lose relationships with most of the rest of my family?

Unlike those with BPD... .I do know that life isn't all black or white... .there is alot of grey. People aren't all good or all bad.  I'm glad for the good that mom did... .but... .also sad and hurt to hear the outpouring and know that unfortunately her pouring onto me was mostly negative.

But... .she can't hurt me anymore.  Or anyone.  Or herself... .the emotional unrest that they talk about with BPD, all of those negative thoughts and emotions about who she was as a person that she was carrying around... .the emptiness, anxiety, anger... .she is at peace.

And I can be at peace, I don't have to fear her anymore. My inner child is going to need some care... .in some sense, we always hope for a miracle, hope for mom to transform into the place of care, and comfort and love we always wanted... .but this side of heaven, I don't think that was ever going to be possible. On the other side? Maybe someday in the future that reconciliation will happen.  For now, I'm blessed to have a life to live.

Hello,

I am sorry to hear you mom has passed.   Dealing with a parent passing is difficult enough but you are dealing with a fact.  No,   she will not apologize ever at least not here on earth.   That doesn't mean you are not experiencing grief.  Death always blows a lid of something.  Seriously.   

Over time I have learned to express "fairly" my feelings towards my mother.    When I think she is listening I will say "I am so mad at you for what you did or "didn't do" but also I will thank her for the good things she did.  My mother made my teenage years pretty unbearable... .with her depression and anxiety issues and obsessive berating of all of us.   She also divided us and pinned my siblings and I against each other.   Then I will say "but I am so happy you taught me which bird is which and shared your love of growing plants".  Happy you taught me how to make eggplant parmigiana and manicotti.   

My mother passed 11 years ago and i still have the plants given to me at her funeral.    I never had a green thumb but she did and I enjoy those plants.     

I know she is around in spirit and will almost always send a dragon fly over to sit on my knee.   Usually big red one!   Lands right on me everytime.   

Finding a place of peace takes time.  You are early into this healing process.   Take one day at a time and just because she has passed don't be afraid to yell out to her... .hey... .I am really pissed off!   Maybe the good will come after... .it takes a while.   I am trying to not to insert too much of my belief system but I know they hear us & I do believe you will get an apology someday.   

take care!   

Wow!

reading all this understanding, support. Just WOW.  Thankyou!

it took a lot to post here.

I will plant some daffodils, at the weekend. She liked those.  I can do that.

I am not christian, but am spiritual, so have re opened up this neglected area of my life for taking care of me. I am not going to see a counselor, that's not possible really, due to my job. But i can lean on my husband, and my self care more. 

My condolences, soften.

I'm glad you decided to post.

I still miss my Mom, who died 19 years ago.

At the time, I barely knew what BPD was.

Yes, when the BPD loved one dies, one loses the illusion that things will change.

My mother has newly diagnosed lung cancer. I found out from a friend who lives near her, not from her. I don't know how to feel. She wanted me out of her life so I ran away and I'm never going back. My brothers are dangerously abusive too.

I am sad that my mom will probably die very young although all of us were shocked by how much unfiltered packages of cigarettes she smoked each day. She told us it's a myth that cigarettes especially kill you. So she's dying now and I probably won't even know when she's gone.

I wish a visit by me would help her but it would only make things worse. I will get no closure and I refuse to give support to my brother who molested me and the one who watched and laughed.

I feel so sad that it's officiAl that my mother will go to her grave hating me but it will happen so I am feeling your special kind of grief. I'm so sorry.