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I got the news in January from my ex that she's expecting a child with her boyfriend that she had an affair with in our marriage. I felt triggered by the news and called up my T and in our session he had asked me if I still cared about her and I said that a part of me still did. He said said he had felt the same about his first wife and that I needed more distance behind me.

I think that the pregnancy was a means for me to see things in a new perspective and how dysfunctional everything was. It's like watching a movie re-run that you've seen many times. I feel like the last few months was letting go of final last bits. I feel like I don't care about her in the same way anymore because I feel like there's someone else out there for me.

She said she had filed last Oct and I had asked her a couple of times how that was going and I was frustrated with her lack of answers. I signed the papers and removed myself off of her car loan because it was co-signed. This had been going on for a few months and I felt like she was playing me along like the last of year of our relationship and lying about the affair partner and telling me what I wanted to hear.

She sent me a screenshot with the conversation with her L and it looks like she did file and she's waiting for the papers in the mail.

I didn't realize how happy I would feel with this closure. I had decided to go to family court first before divorce court for the kids same and I was burnt out from court after a year of family court.  I felt like I was still tethered to my ex in some way and it made me feel unhappy and depressed. I feel like I'm almost free and I don't have further obligations with her. I think that I was too god for her and I'm looking forward to a reciprocal r/s in the future.

That's a great update Mutt, I was just reading your post on the helpdesk about how you ended up here. What a story, you have the patients and heart of a saint. It's heartening that you gave your all for the kids.

Thanks for sharing your ongoing victory as well as for all your insights and helpful advice around here.

That's great news Mutt! Being legally married still given how she left must be a huge emotional albatross. Actually, that metaphor sux (that's how we spell "sucks" in Cali'. The albatross is the sum of her choices, and those of the OM, around their necks. You're The Mighty Mutt for the kids (And for yourself!).

I felt exactly the same way when my ex wife was pregnant. It was a relief. A closure that there was no going back from.

Very cool Mutt!  A few steps closer to losing the tether, and a few steps closer to peace for you, your kids and your future dream girl.  Take care of you!

That's a kind thing to say rotiroti. Thank you! I recall writing that first post on my Blackberry that evening and chain smoking, I was split black, distortion campaign, no reasonable access to the kids, she was in her honeymoon with her boyfriend, I had lost everything, that was a tough summer.

I felt anger and I was scared. I was told from a family member after the r/s was over that she has BPD. I was almost in tears after I got a response because someone else understands, we speak the same language and I don't have to explain myself like I was doing with family members and friends and they didn't get it. I am grateful for the help I got from this community.


Thank you Turkish! The consultation that I got from an L was to let her file because she lacks impulse control and will likely want to marry him and she'll file. It's easier said than done, it did leave an emotional albatross and you're right, it is the sum of both of their choices.

I was with the kids and signing papers and he had arrived home from work and he looked at her and complained how he was tired from work and she didn't say anything. It could be because the kids and I were there. I quietly thought "you're not going to get a lot of sympathy from her"

It is sad how they broke a home and the silver lining is that it's over, I have my family with the kids and I can rebuild and I can choose wiser next time. I didn't know who she was and got intimate too quickly. It's not to say I may not face divorce again, I can choose to get to know someone first.


It was good news to hear and it opened my eyes. It's her life and her choice how she wants to live her life. I think it was impulsive, she had tried to talk to me a couple of months before and she sounded like she was hurt with LC and said when are we going to become friends?  I realized after that I was split white and I thought maybe she may try to recycle. I was triggered when she had said that because she had also said it's time to get over it.

I did sense that she wanted a friendship because she was likely triggered with intimacy and a possibility for her to come back. I could also be wrong and she had nothing to want to do with me for over two years.

I was a person that was with her for sometime and I see her life choices clearly and the news brought realism to the whole thing.


Thank you fromheeltoheal! You're right that it's a few steps closer to losing that tether. Two years ago I had thought I screwed up and lost my dream girl. I see things differently and how she and her attached; its for survival for her. It's not want I want. It's taking care of me, simple and true words  :)

Hey Mutt, Why not call the court directly and check on the progress of your divorce?  Alternatively, is it possible for you to go to the Court and review the file?  Or maybe you can review the court file online?  It might help your frame of mind if you can confirm that your divorce is moving along.  For some reason, I'm getting a weird feeling about what your Ex is telling you, so I'm sharing my gut feeling.

LuckyJim

I appreciate that you shared and I agree that it should help. I'll call the court house and check on the other party and their filing or go down to the courthouse myself.

excellent, best possible thing that could happen!

mutt, your post could be summed up with the word "progress".

im sorry you felt triggered, but happy you worked through the feeling and found closure in it. the situation being ongoing is very much an albatross, but youve continued to progress in spite of it all, and your expression that you feel ready and deserving of a better future is a huge milestone. you are almost free my friend.  

High five!  :)


Thank you for your insight and wisdom once removed.

I agree with LuckyJim and that I don't trust her. I had very little trust left for her the day that she said it was over and I had lost all of it that day.

I knew then that she was telling me what I wanted to hear and that she wasn't having an affair when she really was. I hate to sound black and white and I don't think that I'll trust her again.

I agree that the take-away here really is progress and celebrating a milestone with the excitement for a more attractive future. Thanks for sharing.