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I tried to go back to the Skype conversations tonight to figure out what was going on with my partnerwBPD. Instead I came upon a conversation from 9 months ago,  where he was expressing his fear that he was going to become jaded to the relationship and that things would turn out like they did with his ex, where the relationship was dead and empty and he no longer cared for me.  That didn't happen. I'm not sure it even came close.  I know there was a point back in the beginning of April when he told me that he wasn't feeling attracted to me anymore and barely liked me. It was painful to hear, but you know, I accepted it. This is what's going on. Things might end. I accept that. I will do everything I can to maintain the health of this relationship, but I'm also ready to let go if I must.

I now understand more thoroughly where he was coming from, though. It wasn't really my fault, but I didn't make it better, either. He would tell me things that he was feeling, and instead of validating it, I'd kind of ignore the feelings and hit him with facts and truths instead and then tell him I love him.

I wasn't listening to him. Pure and simple. I was hearing the words but I had a ways to go in terms of trying to understand and pick out the underlying message.

"I'm scared."

Me- "Well I do everything to try to make everyone happy." JADE

"I need you right now. I feel abandoned."

Me; "I can't make you happy and tend to my responsibilities at the same time. Why can't you understand that?" JADE

Think it kind of like how you don't treat children as mini adults. They take in everything raw and accept every word. Explaining things to them in adult concepts won't make a difference to them.

It hurts rereading some of those conversations. He was in pain and I was too blinded by my own 'My perspective is the correct one.'  to see it. I had a paradigm shift at some point around that time that made me realise how little compassion I'd been showing him. I'd gone on the super defense.

I have some semblance of regret here, and some guilt, but it's also a huge shift in our communication patterns. I was reacting to the BPD, and not to him. I had to figure things out for myself before I could really be there for him. This break has also been incredibly clarifying and it has put in place a lot more stability between us. We're not as 'addicted' to each other and I find that I pay more attention to him when I do spend time with him.


I teared up. No lie.

Wow, what a wonderful transformation to realize, misuniadziubek!

This is a great revelation, and great that you have gotten to this point:


I teared up, too, reading that 

Your realization of past JADE incidents, and your turning that around to Validation, Compassion, Empathy, S.E.T., etc., is a real inspiration to the rest of us. Really, I'm so happy you shared this story  :)

 |iiii awesome progress.

One thought about the guilt you are feeling... .

Don't blame yourself for not knowing things before you learned them.

It's true. I'm amazed at how much I missed out by having such high defenses. He was regularly reaching out even through his dysregulation, I just didn't have the skills to recognise it. That makes me sad. I thought he was overreacting, being dramatic. I invalidated his feelings all the time. I didn't realise how much my actions were affecting him. I never had to actually compromise my own needs. It wasn't my fault, but that paradigm shift I experienced in the past couple of months means that I see through that fog now.

In a way, I have to be compassionate to myself now. Appreciate everything I've learned, how much effort I put in to truly change the dynamics of the relationship. Forgive the old me for not knowing any better.  By putting in my part and becoming a better partner, I've inspired my partner to do the same. More and more often it feels like we're on the same team.