BPDFamily.com

Hey guys.

I've been through a lot, and ever since my BPD breakup about 4 months ago I (finally) started working on my own problems, and in some way I thank my ex for leaving me so shattered and broken - I can finally rebuild myself and be the strongest version of myself, and I'm glad that happened at 20 and not somewhere farther down the line.

So I'll make it short - I've been having mood-swings and problems controlling them since early adolescence, and when my ex left me they just went berserk, and it all seemed unreal to me - until I found out about cyclothymic disorder, or cyclothymia. Cyclothymia is a "mellow" form of Bipolar disorder, not as severe but more chronic, harder to cure. I've been cutting myself recently, harming myself, etc. The triggers are random and they hurt like hell. Imagine that "for every reaction there's an equal and opposite reaction" - i.e for every drop of happiness I feel I get the equal amount of depression, one minute you're the very best at what you do, no one can stop you, everything is AWESOME, and then BOOM - you feel empty inside, voices in your head screaming how worthless you are, that you should just die and it would be the best thing you'll do in your good-for-nothing life... .it's kind of a nightmare sometimes, but I handle it well and learn to control it, plus I have a great support system that helps me whenever I'm down.

Also in my search for answers as to "why did I fall for a BPD in the first place" - I dug deep enough and realized how faulty my r/s with my parents, especially with my mother, was. The constant need for perfection on her side, the physical punishments at a young age (former Soviet Union parents, it was pretty much the norm for child  discipline there), passive aggressive abuse throughout my teenage years, always taking away what I love when I'm not up to her standards (time with friends, the computer, etc), and it got me to realize that because of that I've been struggling, trying to always be perfect for my exBPDgf, feeling terrified each time I though I have displeased her because I feared she would break up with me - punishing me because I wasn't up for the standards of a fairy-tale "prince charming". I did, however, have several long talks with my mother about this and I can finally say that we have buried the hatchet and I can finally be at peace with her (though still a bit traumatized, but it takes time).

Last but not least - I used to think I could never even trust someone again to even initiate a conversation. Today, for the first time in my life, I asked a random client at work for her phone number after only talking (and laughing) for a few minutes. I never thought I'd have the courage to do it, even before I met my ex (who, by the way, was my first kiss and first girlfriend). Even though I was VERY politely turned down because she was taken , I felt AMAZING because I ACTUALLY DID IT, and to me it's a GIANT step forward, both in healing from BPD wounds, and in building my self-confidence.

Thanks for reading :)

hi Bassoutcast. i'm really sorry to read about the cyclothymia, but i'm glad to hear you have a good support system. it's the best thing in the world, to stay socially connected kike that.


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yes it's great! and if you did it once, you can do it another time. and then it'll come to seem not so awful a deal. i had to learn to do that with starting conversations of any kind (not asking for someone's number - *shudder* i'd be paralyzed) and, one by one, it worked!