BPDFamily.com

To clarify the question, did things turn around quickly for you?

Filing is such a huge decision that you really need to be as sure as you can be when you file.  I think most people file with this mindset so when they file, they know immediately they did the right thing.  At least this is what other divorcees have told me.

The question I see asked more frequently among the divorcees is "Why didn't I do this sooner?"  :)

I wish I'd done it before we had kids, that's for sure.

The reason I asked, is that I've been married for 23 years to her.  About year 6 I was painted black.  I battled for years trying to win her back.  I self-medicated with work and alcohol.  I quit drinking a few years ago and I now realize how damn miserable I was.  I'm so miserable that I started drinking again.

I saw some people post on a BPD board that their lives began turning around almost immediately after they left.  I just wondered if that is a common experience.

About two weeks into our marriage I had a huge gut feeling that I should just ask for an annulment and leave.  I couldn't figure it out.  After all, she treated me like I was the king of the world.  If only I had listened to what my gut was telling me.

I feel terrible for the kids, but I was dying, and the hard reality is that divorcing her is the best thing I've done.  I cannot even imagine enduring menopause with this woman (as my T and her own godmother have pointed out to me).  I'd probably have jumped off a building if I'd stayed around for that.

Divorce brings a different set of rules which can be frustrating (alimony, child support, custody and co-parenting, splitting assets) so there are parts of your life that can definitely get worse.  Then there is the aspect of rebuilding yourself that the [L6] forum focuses on which can be quite a struggle.

But what many find in filing for divorce is the start of taking a true stand against the dysfunction that has affected their life for so long.  It's a tangible act of making a positive step towards a better life.  It's liberating.  And so much so that it offsets all the negatives I mentioned above.

From what you describe, it wouldn't shock me if you felt the same way.  Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Thanks for the input guys.  I really appreciate it.

My youngest son is 15.  We are very close.  So close in fact, I think that if I left that he would probably come with me.

I think some opportunities have arisen.  My territory for work has changed.  I now travel into a market that is a little depressed, so housing values and rent values are low.  I may be able to rent a decent apartment at a very good rate.

Plus, I have some new ideas for business ventures that could really pay off from the feelers that I put out on them.

It will be so hard to rip apart the family.  But, I think they will be better off with me alive and living elsewhere, than dead from a heart attack.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment - your home, wherever that is - away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

As they say, if the eggs are cracked, make an omelet.  You didn't cause it, but you can find better ways to deal with the dysfunction - from a safe or safer distance.  Just don't willingly leave the children behind.  You know they'll be better off with you, so don't walk away from them do what you can to take them with you.  Think it out, have a real strategy for success, not just an impulse.  Get some confidential legal consultations with experienced family law attorneys, determine which have better suggestions, advice and strategies.  Remember, while sorting things out for yourself, keep your thoughts and plans to yourself... .Loose lips sink ships.

Don't underestimate the heart attack thing. Divorce will be stressful but once settled, life will be great.

House went up for sale June 2013.

I cried every time it showed, I cancelled showings... .I was not ready to lose it. I worked my whole life for my home.

Filed for divorce July 2013

Called it off, took the house off the market and 'tried again' Oct 2013.

By Dec 2013, I realized I was the only one trying, and that is how it had always been and how it was always going to be.

(( Just note, I do not like the 'always/never' words, unless you are DANG sure that word fits; here it fits ))

March 2014, after 3 months w/ an abuse advocate, intense reading and studying to understand WHAT was happening to me I had had enough.

April 2015 I filed for divorce

June 2015 the house was up for sale, and the divorce was final.

July 2015, I threw him out.

He thought he could just live at the house, while it was for sale and treat me like garbage day in and day out.

His abuse was incredible.

The house sold Feb 2015... .Me and the kids moved out and into a tiny apartment.

The weight of the world, was off my shoulders. We all 'slept', we felt relief. We felt, free.

From April 15th 2014 (the day I filed) I would say it was after Feb 2015 (10 months) before I really felt in my heart of hearts, that yes, divorce was the answer AND had I not filed, it never would have happened... .

(( He likes for me to be 'the bad guy' and his to smell like roses ))

Things did not turn around quickly.

He did a lot of damage to me... .

I am at the 1 year mark!

Divorced a year, and yesterday marked the 1 year mark since I have seen his face.

It feels amazing... .simply, amazing.

Yes and no.

My anxiety levels went waaaaaaaay down almost immediately. In fact, I hadn't fully realized how truly anxious I had become - and I'm not anxious by nature.

However, I still had a lot of "stuff" to work through. The anxiety was gone, but I still hadn't gotten a handle on what had happened in our r/s (answer: dissociative tendencies and BPD); I loved her and had to process through all the pain she caused me; and then I had to turn the lens on myself to uncover what "hooked" me into such a dysfunctional r/s (and I'm still in the middle of that process).

So... .there was relief, to be sure. But still plenty of work left to do.

I left 5 days after our 34th anniversary.  I spent the first six weeks at my parents' home, sleeping like a baby every night.  I now have my own place, just me (kids are all adults; two live with her but they're OK).  I wake up a lot of mornings and realize I'm smiling for no reason.  Oh, wait.  I do have a reason; I'm happy.  I have never, not one time in all these months, had a moment of loneliness or wishing I could go back. Some nights I just sit and read or meditate and listen to nothing.  No radio; no TV; no criticism; no chaos, no insults; no demands.  Of course that is on the nights when I'm not out with friends, trying a new restaurant, cooking something only I would like, treating myself to a movie, or training for the half-marathon I never got to do because she undermined our "joint" training and raged at me for trying to do it on my own. 

I had a routine colonoscopy a couple of weeks ago.  My BP was 116/66.  My resting pulse was 47.  I was asleep before they started the anesthesia.  Stressed? Not any more.   :)

When our house sold, and I moved myself and the kids to an apartment... .that's the FIRST THING I noticed.

I slept.

Not only did I sleep? I was dreaming again... .

No more sleeping with one eye open. No going to bed fearing he was going to come in and touch me.

I was actually SLEEPING!

After a few days of good sleep under my belt... .it's like a cloud lifted off my head... .I could "see" I could think... .it was amazing!

My wife used to insist that I was taking up the entire bed and forcing her to sleep on the very edge, even though I knew (because I was barely sleeping) that I had stayed on my own side.  I developed a habit of sleeping against my own edge, legs straight together, arms in close to my sides, like a corpse, just to make sure I didn't take up any extra room.  She still complained every morning.

I still find myself lying down like that, even though at least now I do relax and stretch out after a few minutes.  I still rarely venture past the halfway point in my bed, even sleeping alone.  Hopefully one day I'll find someone worth crossing the center line for  :)

Hey, I second that! |iiii

(Coming from someone who separated and divorced nearly 10 years ago.  Hmm, I really, really need to let go of posting so much here and focus more on resuming my life!)

I'll speak for my SO  ... .I know that signing the lease for his apartment after leaving was huge for him.  He had his own place, it was clean (uBPDxw was a hoarder), it had a room for his daughters, and he had control of his own money to pay for it (uBPDxw did/does crazy stuff around money). The other signal that he was doing the right thing was how much positive reinforcement he received from those that care about him, his mom in particular stepped up for him in a big way.

In terms of his relationship with his ex yes things did escalate and were absolutely horrid for the two years of separation... .I think the ex literally had a 2 year "extinction burst".  She was extremely high conflict and all that did was reinforce that leaving was the right thing.

Kids... .I know that people have differing ideas on the best way to protect them.  Some believe they need to stay in the relationship so the kids have someone there 24/7 to protect them. I'm in the other camp, I think leaving was absolutely the best thing my SO did for his children.  The longer their parents were apart the more the kids realized who was the "parent" and who was a hot mess.  Yes, uBPDmom has done some incredibly crappy stuff to her children and they have learned things the hard way but they are learning... .learning to protect themselves and create boundaries now at 14 and 18 (not in their 20's, 30's 40's or never), they are no longer enmeshed, and the FOG has be come a haze.  They have both made the choice to live with dad full-time D14 in spite of a court order that says otherwise and D18 because she's 18 and can.  

They know dad and dad's house are safe and dependable.  Are there problems with uBPDmom you bet, but they always have a safe place to land with their dad.  |iiii

Wow.  I never thought about if it happened to others.  My wife used to say, when I used to sleep in the same bed, that I was taking the middle of the bed and some of her side.  I think I was gravitating to the center of the bed.  She complained about that long enough for me to sleep near my edge where I would not roll into the center.  I had to sleep with my legs down else I may get too close.  My wife stopped complaining once I "fixed" that issue.  Interestingly, she took the middle of the bed and some of my side once I had moved to the edge of it. 

I think it is a mix of control and fear of intimacy on her part.

It took over a year for me to get to the center of the bed.  It is almost like a subconscious fear that I may touch and subsequently upset her.

I currently sleep on the couch, where I've been sleeping for close to 6 years.  When we did share a bed, she used to get up in the middle of the night and sleep on the couch.  She would complain that the mattress wasn't comfortable.  Then she got a body pillow and placed it in between us.  She hated to be touched.  If I put my hand on her arm while she was sleeping she would become furious.  I would come home from work the next night and she would still be angry over it. 

I recall lying next to her in bed, just yearning for some human touch, and knowing that if I reached out to touch her there would be trouble.

Exactly, except I knew that I was not anywhere near the center of the bed. The only time she didn't complain about it was when she complained that I never touched or cuddled her any more. 

I think you have it nailed--a mix of control and fear of intimacy.  Mostly control in my situation.  She wanted total control of our personal life: how I slept; when and under what conditions we had sex; whether I stayed up and read or went to bed when she did; temperature in the bedroom; etc.  If she didn't get it she complained or criticized.

I think I may get right in the middle of the bed tonight and sprawl out in both directions just to remind myself I can. 

I did not feel I was that much of a hog and could not argue against her accusations because I did not wake taking the space she claimed.

My wife has a good deal of NPD in her, so I cannot tell which it is with her.  Probably, it is both equally strong since it persisted outside of the bedroom.  The accepted times when we had sex were fully in her control until I stopped trying and stopped responding to her.  Heck, the times I could come close to her and kiss and hug here were under her control.

She said some rather harsh words about having to force herself to have sex with me.  I do not force, directly or indirectly, women to have sex with me, so I have almost no interest in sex with her now.

After writing all that down, I just asked myself:  What are you waiting for to change?

P.S.  Yes, you should sprawl out.  I did that, and it felt wonderful.   :)

Mine started telling me that I had to "earn" her favor by behaving myself, which of course meant that I'd never be good enough for sex with her unless she decided she wanted it.  Complete control.  I decided "paying" for sex with her by trying to get in her good graces wasn't really any different from paying a hooker with cash.  At least with a hooker the price is fixed. 

Since prostitution is illegal in my state, and based on the mug shots of the local hookers getting arrested would amount to being rescued, I just found other things to occupy my mind.  It's not hard to squelch the mood when your potential partner takes criticism to an art form.   

workinprogress,

Once you leave your marriage, it's pretty much just you. This is both good and bad. Good because you just dialed down the abuse/conflict/neglect or whatever it was that was stressful in your marriage. Bad because you suddenly realize that your most constant companion is now you.

If you don't like who you are, this phase can be trying. Some members do not adjust as well as others.

If you feel lonely now, you may feel lonely when you leave.

If you feel afraid now, you may feel safe when you leave.

If you feel anger now, you may feel depressed when you leave.

It's going to come down to your specific circumstances. The main issues driving you apart, the degree of BPD, your relationship with your kids, how you feel about yourself, what you want from your life, how you feel about dating, financial issues.

You will no longer experience the worst feeling you have when you're with her.

You will feel more of the best feelings you have when you're on your own.

And probably, you will feel some new feelings that could be a mixture of comfortable and uncomfortable as you adjust to a new normal.

For me, I initially felt much more relief, and much more grief for about a year. A protracted high-conflict divorce took a toll on me, and I found myself feeling depressed. My son began to express suicidal ideation and tending to his mental health has made me much more proactive tending to my own. This is what finally brought peace, learning to be better connected to myself and my son. It took me about 3 years to feel better than I had ever felt in my life, tho this process was surprisingly painful, in a different way than the pain and suffering in my marriage.

I sometimes have felt like I was nothing but a paycheck.  So, your reference to prostitution hits close to home for me.

Thanks for sharing your experience.  I no longer feel angry, just depressed.  As for being alone, I already do the bulk of my activities by myself.  She really has no interest in doing anything with me.  So, dealing with loneliness won't be a problem.  The biggest thing that I feel is frustration.  I'm frustrated that the woman I love makes no attempt to be a part of our marriage.  I am physically frustrated by the lack of touch in my marriage.  I am frustrated by the lack of communication.

On a bright note, I visited a small town that I work in today.  I made an inquiry about apartments.  Hopefully I will get word on something that is available.

I must be in a real mood today... .  This reminded me that my ex, in the final couple years, would give hints in the morning that later at night she'd be willing.  But during that day or evening she was sure to find something to get upset about or do something that ruined the mood for me, so no fun that day.  And in the final months she exclaimed, "I feel like a prostitute, I ought to get paid!"  I didn't reply verbally but told myself, "Well, you sure wouldn't earn much... ."

LOL. :)

This is hard, workinprogress. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. In a book I am reading about the emotional life of boys, the authors talk about natural painkilling opiates our bodies produce when we are touched. Just a touch to the shoulder, a pat on the back can produce these effects. Touch literally relieves pain.

I know that's true.  Every now and then I will get hugs from people I work with or whatever.  It feels so nice.  There was a lady who was pursuing me a few years ago.  She would come up to me and wrap her hands around my bicep.  It felt so nice!  My wife never touched me like that.  It made it so tough to resist this woman.  She just cared enough to even hold my arm. 

The thing was, I could feel my blood pressure drop from just this little bit of touch.  It caused so much confusion for me physically.  I mean, I loved my wife, and yet there was no way to express it.  Then, there was this woman who was enraptured by me.  It was truly horrible to be in that situation.

I knew before I actually filed, but I went the "Honey, I want a divorce" route.  That might not be as good for everyone, and in hindsight I might have done things differently (more radio silence about my intentions).

Her conduct during the divorce process confirmed it was the right decision.  It was the same behavior patters, with increased frequency and more extremes.

Gomez

*** Update ***  Been a while since I posted, but I had to report.  This past Friday and Saturday were two events that had been a long time coming.  One, the attempt at mediation, went about as expected.  After two hours of trying to negotiate with a brick wall, we threw in the towel and went home.  There were a total of five people involved:  me, my L, the mediator, my uBPDstbexw, and her L.  By the time the first offer and counter-offer went across the hall, four of us knew the fifth one was crazy.    But as I say, not unexpected and I'll be calling my L this week to file a contested divorce.

Now for the good news-- After almost two years and two attempts, I finally completed my first half marathon!  Amazing how much easier it was with no one working full out to destroy my self-confidence.  A number of people know the story about the emotional abuse I received during the first attempt, and my FB page blew up with congrats after it was over. 

There IS life after BPD.  It may not be what we envisioned for ourselves, but it is life, and it is good.  I would love nothing more than to settle this divorce and move on, but I'm doing things I've always wanted to do, I am surrounded with amazing and genuine friends, I have a comfortable place to live with NO drama, I am restoring my faith and becoming more spiritually grounded.  Mostly, I am HAPPY.  She can drag this divorce out until she drops dead from old age if she chooses, but she can never again steal one bit of happiness from my soul.  Her power over me is gone, and that is all that matters.  Good luck to everyone on here and I hope and pray you all find the same success.

Congratulations on your marathon, jedimaster!  |iiii

That's a great accomplishment !

I too relish the peace I have without my xh near me.  I can write a page on it.  Some freedoms so  many take for granted in normal r/s.  I still like that I can sit with out being referred to as lazy.

In my state , you have to wait two years before it's an uncontested divorce and one can be divorced , but the financial part ,till  settlement,  can  continue indefinitely. ( so I ask what's the point in waiting for the two year mark).   Plan like you are to have a contested divorce. Start now.   Get a date for a trial but expect delays from your x2bw.

workinprogress, I felt the same as many, wish I did it sooner.  But I was scared of the vidication from xh is why I didn't do it sooner. It was at the point of do it or die.

I too knew I should of not married him.  I stayed 27 years.   . The divorce process was hellish.

I knew right away it was the right decision but the more time goes on the more I know it was the best decision. 

YES! She literally wanted me to work 24/7.  Suggested I get a night job (to go with my full time day job AND maintaining the mini-farm she abandoned) so she would have more money.  She never could explain when I would sleep, just told me if I "had more drive and ambition I could do more with my talent."    I won't go into it but suffice to say I am considered an expert in my field of work.

Thanks for the congrats.  If I ever get up off my lazy a--, I might get around to doing another one.  :)  I might add that she has run exactly one 5K since the separation, while the "lazy one" has done several, plus a 10K and now a half.  

In our state, if two parties can agree on terms out of court, they can draw up an uncontested divorce and file it with with the court, and if there are no issues after 30 days the judge will sign and it becomes final.  If the parties cannot agree, one or the other must file a complaint with the court for a contested divorce, and it can take as much as a year for it to come up on the docket, even if there are no delays.  If there are no minor children (ours are grown) and no extreme circumstances, then the judge decides what to do with the property and signs off on the divorce.  The main issue in our case is we both lose all control over division of assets.  That's annoying but not overly upsetting to me; my freedom is worth more than anything I own.  

I hope that like many pwBPD, she will become more willing to settle as the court date nears, but if not, I have managed to build a life I can enjoy for as long as it takes to get through this.  

Haven't read the discussions, but there are days I still wonder. Everyone's situation is unique. My ex typically goes 3 weeks being wonderful, then has a meltdown about once a month that makes me realize I had to get away. We was manipulative and controlling and many other things. But I do see the other side of him and I miss that part, and being a single mother when everyone else has spouses helping them is HARD. And I see people on here whose exes are much worse than mine.

We tend to get conflicting advice. Of course no one should allow themselves to be abused. But it's a hard world to be alone in (and divorce is expensive) and sometimes the abuse from the real world can be pretty bad too, ya know?

I think I did the right thing, but it wasn't an easy thing.

I'm a woman with children so both of those factors may make my situation different from men leaving women, and people with young or old kids, etc. It's never easy. I suggest spending a lot of time thinking about it.

undoubtedly the best most healthy decision i have made in years.  My process moved in stages - from recognizing something was wrong; to trying to work within the confines of the diagnosis and "gut it out"; then a period of Paralysis by analysis (working over in my mind is this the right decision for me and for the kids and ultimately for her); then finally the decision to act.  Once i acted on what i knew to be true a lot of things that were murky for me began to clear. 

Note however that decision to act is a long one and most likely needs to be to prepare for the endgame.  Its not a fun place to be as it involves secrecy, planning, preparation, and more planning.  Once said ducks were lined up - i moved forward with everything i could muster.  I was fortunate that she was of the low-functioning variety (most likley due to miserable years of hard work enabling and assuming near every responsibiity in the household). 

The first night when i knew i didnt have to sleep behind a locked door was amazingly peaceful.  I knew i had made the right decisions.

Good luck.

S