BPDFamily.com

OK I know what projection is, but. Ex lately is really acknowledging his father for how he is. The problem I see is that ex is exactly like his father. I mean I could make a list of their life stories and its like he is a reflection of his dad. Sometimes the things he is saying about his dad I want to say "yoohoo you are describing yourself". So he isn't projecting because its the truth what he says about his dad, but he is clueless that he is describing himself?

I have seen pwBPD process concepts that are new and in doing so, attribute the traits to others, especially in the initial processing of it.

One friend of mine needed to see the trait on another to assess that the trait was "normal" before she allowed herself to see it in herself.

When my ex's exW learned something new in Therapy for her to do with the D, she would call and complain how dad didn't do such and such.  The language she was using was clearly not her own and clearly meant for her to apply... .not dish out.  Oh well.

In couples T... .T would tell bf to have bonding time with my S... .so bf came home accusing me of not spending enough time with my SD.  He felt "bad" and wanted to project it off him.  Then he'd do one short activity with my S and praise himself for it all month long! Sheesh!

He said the other day " I hate that I will always be known as john doe's son, I just want to be known as daughter's dad". I couldn't help but think don't you just want to be known as you? I think he doesn't really have an identity, its weird. Its not just his dad, he will say things about other people and he does the same things. This guy seriously plucks his eyebrows and clips his nails every day, and was just complaining about a cousin who washes his hands too much lol.

I get the impression that my Ex sees herself more as defined by her roles, "sister,.daughter, mother, lover," rather than more by a core identity. Perhaps it could be a result of emotional inscest, or engulfment by a BPD parent.

Observing this about your daughter's dad, does it help you understand what makes him tick better, so you can co-parent more successfully?

I hope so. I take daughter to toddler story time on Tuesdays. I invited ex yesterday. I hope that him being exposed to " normal" people would be good for him as he isolates in his family. Well he did come. There was a man there with a 2 year old. He got talking about how his wife just got her PhD, so now he was a stay at home dad. He asked what I do and then he asked ex. Ex immediately got uncomfortable, said " I'm unemployed!". Then he wouldn't talk with anyone. He got red in the face, started breathing so heavy he was panting, and was dripping sweat. Started complaining it was too hot. We left early. Seems like an anxiety attack. I think he had a lot of shame but he won't do anything about the things thay shame him.

I do see this same trait in my husband.  Say we were to see a situation on the news or other TV program and he'll get talking about how he can't believe this person would say or do whatever.  I don't say anything, but do sit and wonder how he can possibly question these things and not see that they are the exact same things he would/has said or done?  One time, when not in an argument, but we were just talking about him being "emo" as he'll call it... .I told him that sometimes, when he gets "feeling" that he's not good enough, or I have (completely unintentionally and unknowingly) hurt his feelings somehow, that he is just like his mom... .boy was that the wrong thing to say!  I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just trying to help him see why sometimes his mom would feel a certain way about something and maybe genetics has something to do with it.  I think - at least at that time - that was the "worst thing I've ever said to him".