BPDFamily.com

In case you don't know my story, here's a brief summary.  I became friends with my former friend BPD in January, right when she met her current boyfriend.  By early April, she was flirting with me, and by the end of April, she decided to cheat on her boyfriend with me.  She did the push-pull with me three different times and tried for a fourth, but I shut her down.  A few days later, after raging at her boyfriend, she took pills and tried to kill herself.  Her boyfriend and I started texting each other, so he could give me updates.  A week later, after raging at me in text message, she totally kicked me out of her life.  I texted her boyfriend and asked him to tell her to send back things she borrowed from me.  For three weeks, I went back and forth with him, trying to explain that, even though she said she would send the things back, she probably won't.  Last Friday, she told him she "forgot," and he said he'd get her to send them this week. 

Recently, her boyfriend's replies to me have been very short.  I've apologized to him several times in the last few weks for having to still text him about this.  Two weeks ago, he told me that she has been flipping out on him again, and last Tuesday, when I told him that she used to always tell me that she "refuses to adult," he replied, "Sounds about right."  I didn't text him again until Friday, and then not again until this past Monday.  I texted him Tuesday evening and yesterday afternoon, and I've heard nothing back from him.  I even told him that she is making me keep secrets from him (more than just our affair, which isn't something that's my responsibility to tell him). 

I went and checked her boyfriend's Facebook, and yesterday morning, he posted a message about how much he loves her, and he finished with a comment about how she's wife material.  Someone commented on it, and in the comments, he mentioned that he's moving in two months and "won't be around." 

Do you think she's been painting me black for the past few days?  If not, do you think she deliberately didn't send my things, so that I would have to keep texting him and he would get tired of it and think I'm the one with the problem? 

I saw push-pull with her, but I only ever saw rage from her for a few weeks, and only in text message.  Is it common for a pwBPD to go back and forth between raging and love-bombing?  Again, two weeks ago, he told me he isn't sure that this relationship will work, and now he's commenting about how she's wife material. 

And what do you make of the fact that he's moving soon (she's obviously moving with him)?  I could be wrong, but I'm guessing he will be leaving his current job. 

And what do you make of him?  Do you think he's just caught up in everything?  I've tried to tell him several times to research BPD, but he's never really replied to those messages.  Do you think it's possible that she either didn't tell him her diagnosis, or that he maybe thinks that she's "cured," since she's on new medication and is going to a therapist (I have no idea if the therapist even specializes in BPD)?  She once told me that he's "oblivious to the world around him," and that he wouldn't even think that she would cheat on him. 

At this point, I've deleted her boyfriend's contact information and added him to my spam numbers, and I've given up on ever getting my stuff back.  I'm just trying to understand her current behavior and what is going on. 

I think thats a good idea. It sounds like you are part of the drama triangle. Your friend is the victim, you the persecutor and her fiance the rescuer. Anything you say or do at this point will be seen as evil and bad. It sucks I know, I am so sorry. Removing yourself from the drama (at least temporarily) is probably  best.

She's no longer my friend.  I've just been trying to get my stuff back.  I wish I would have told him more things weeks ago.  I waited too long, and you're right, I now look like the evil person.

I know how you feel, this has happened to me too. I'm so sorry, SS. I don't think you are going to get your stuff back. These people feel entitled, believe me. You are the devil so there is no point extending a courtesy to you.

This sounds like a bomb waiting to explode - if he ever connects that you were romantically involved with her, he will really feel betrayed by the friendship you struck up with him. It might be best to keep your distance.


Can you drop of a USPO prepaid, pre-addressed, flat rate shipping container with a note to please put what you can in the container and leave it at the door for the postman to pick up? 

Make it easy. I think something like this is your best hope.

The worst thing is that I tried to get it back from her when we were still friends, and she didn't even care then.  In March, she borrowed a soccer jersey from me to wear to work, and at the end of the day, I told her she could give it back to me, but she insisted that she take it home, wash it, and sew a part of it that had come undone.  I said she didn't have to do that, but she kept insisting.  Then, she wore it to the movie theatre with me and then smoked a cigarette as soon as she got in her car after the movie, so I decided to let it go because it actually did need washed after that.

When she slept over at my house, she never brought a t-shirt to sleep in.  The first time, I gave her a shirt with my favorite basketball team's logo on it.  Instead of putting in the washing machine at my house the next morning, she put it in her bag and took it with her.  I didn't even notice until a few days later, when I realized that several loads of wash had been done and my shirt was nowhere to be found.  Instead of bringing that shirt back the next time she slept over, she borrowed another shirt.  She slept in it for two nights and then took it with her. 

I'm just glad that she didn't borrow anything I really, really love.  The day she borrowed the jersey, I brought a few options with me.  One was an Alex Morgan jersey (the infamous red/white striped "Where's Waldo?" jersey that the US soccer teams wore a few years ago) that sold out quickly and cannot be replaced.  Instead, she chose a jersey that I've worn maybe once because it doesn't fit that well.  The first shirt she borrowed is faded, and the second one is one that I rarely wear.  I never completely trusted her, especially when she hadn't returned the jersey after two months, so when she first asked me to borrow a shirt, I dug around in my drawer for a long time, looking for something I wouldn't miss much.

I have never even been to where they live.  They live about an hour away from me.  I've never even met her boyfriend, only communicated with him via text message.  At this point, I'm just going to give up. 

Is it common for a pwBPD to go back and forth between raging and love-bombing?  Again, two weeks ago, he told me he isn't sure that this relationship will work, and now he's commenting about how she's wife material.

Hi SummerStorm,

Her behavior, rage (push) and love-bombing (pull) is classic BPD. She's trying to regulate her fears of engulfment and abandonment; those are the tools (raging and love-bombing) that she's applying to achieve the regulation.

I think you're correct in your assessment, the bf is caught up in her chaos and cannot see the true her, a person with a mental illness. Due to her extremes, which he is experiencing, she has him out on extreme opposite poles as well, "the relationship won't work" to "she's wife material".

I hate that you didn't get your possessions back, but be very thankful that you got away from her and that's all that you lost, material items. You could have spent years with her; time cannot be recovered or replaced.

At the time, I hated the fact that he was "in my way,"  but I now see it as a blessing.   If he hadn't shown up,  I would have ended up in a relationship with her and would have ended up living with her and,  in effect, living in pure hell.

I am going to side with the let-it-go camp:


You can't put a price on freedom.

If your ex is anything like mine, they're really disorganized and terrible with small detail stuff. Especially being an hour away, it'll seem like a huge hassle for her. I realized that I'm never going to see the stuff I left at the home, but they're all replaceable and not worth the drama lol


Yep.

At the time, I hated the fact that he was "in my way,"  but I now see it as a blessing.   If he hadn't shown up,  I would have ended up in a relationship with her and would have ended up living with her and,  in effect, living in pure hell.

SS, you are cooking with fire now. You put a smile on my face with your statements. Kudos to you for placing yourself first and for recognizing that the relationship's termination actually produced a positive personal gain for yourself. You have a mature and healthy outlook on all of this, congrats!

Thanks.  :)  It's all definitely a work in progress.  And if I had checked her boyfriend's Facebook page yesterday, I wouldn't have even bothered sending him the messages I sent him yesterday.  Her posted the message about her being wife material thirty minutes before I texted him, so he clearly never bothered to reply to the message I had sent him the day before.  He is being so love-bombed right now that, if she told him to go stand in the middle of the highway during rush hour traffic, he probably would.