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Hey guys. So I've been doing fairly well with not thinking about my uBPDx, even though some odd coincidences have been happening. It seems like I keep being taken back to the most memorable places where my ex and I spent time together.

In June I was a groomsman in my friends wedding. The wedding took place at a state bordering my home state, really close to where I stayed at my exes family's beach house last 4th of July weekend. That weekend with my ex was capped off with the two of us having lunch together at a nice restaurant overlooking the ocean. The wedding venue was on the same street as this restaurant, about a quarter mile from it. For some context, before last summer I had never visited this area in my life and I'd only even been to the state once before. Thankfully it didn't trigger too many emotions and I was able to have a great weekend with my friends. But now I have a bachelor party coming up and I think it's going to be a lot more emotionally triggering.

The bachelor party is in Montreal, where my ex and I vacationed together and another place that I've only been to with her. This was a pretty special trip to me, probably in no small part because it was first time I'd ever been on vacation with a girlfriend. It is a big city but we explored a lot of it, and it's only been a year so the memories are still pretty fresh. I feel like I'll see restaurants and landmarks that we visited and have moments where I'll go kind of silent, thinking about the memories and getting emotional.

I also know that I'm going to have the urge to create Snapchat stories of the trip, honestly in part because Snapchat is the only form of social media she hasn't deleted me from, and I know she still views them most of the time when I put them up (oddly the only one I have posted recently that I don't think she viewed was one I posted when I was at the wedding, and she definitely would have recognized the venue if she had seen it). It's weird when I post them now, and I'm not sure if I'm doing it because I want to share my life with my friends or if it's solely so I can check and see if she views them... .

I guess there's a part of me that kind of wants her to see me having fun without her in a place that was special to us. Not to hurt her or out of spite, but to get her to feel something toward me I think. Maybe even to get her to text me about it or something like that. She's already tried to use Montreal to hurt me... .when we met to finalize our breakup she told me she was planning a trip to go back and visit the people we had met out there. It hurt a lot to hear her say it and to be already moving on without me so quickly, but I don't even think she ever went.

Anyway, do you guys have any advice on how to handle emotional triggers like this? Maybe I'll be fine, like I was at the wedding, but I'm definitely a bit more anxious about this trip.

Just to follow-up... .

This is getting kinda ridiculous now, haha. So I recently met a girl online and we're going to meet for the first time tomorrow. She lives the next state over from me (same as my ex), and we're going to meet in her city and she picked a bar for us to grab drinks at. I checked it out on Google Maps... .it's on the same street, 3 blocks away, from the place my ex and I had our first and last dates. Those two dates were the only two times I've been to that area in my life. Crazy.

Hey cleverusername,

I think it's going to be inevitable that you will be reminiscing about your ex in a place where you have a lot of history with your ex.  Personally, I wonder if because you're thinking about it more is a sign that you haven't really processed it all just yet.  I often compare dealing with the aftermath of a BPD relationship, or any relationship for that matter, we undergo some grief/loss processing.  In my experience, BPD relationships can sometimes require more grief work compared to others.

On the one hand, it might be a good thing for you to create new memories/experiences in Montreal so that you are not only associating it with your ex.  On the other hand, you might not be completely "available" to form a new attachment there (or where ever).  You'll find out.  If you find yourself spending more time comparing your new interest with your ex, then chances are you're not "available."  And if you aren't really available, you might just consider spending some time just with yourself to see what you need to work on/process.

In any case, have a good trip.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Thanks for the reply, Schwing!

I think I've processed it all, I just know there are some lingering feelings, especially attached to a place that was special like that. I definitely agree that BPD relationships can require more grief work compared to others, but I think I'm mostly done with it, aside from when I'm placed directly into an entire city that I associate with her and our relationship. Walking by the place where we had both our first and last dates last week didn't really stir up any feelings, but I suppose that could have been helped by the fact that I was with a new interest.

I think that this post was kind of more for me to express how I feel about all of these weird coincidences. I don't usually buy into the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing but it kind of feels like with all of the weird things that have been happening the odds of that being true is no less likely than it all being coincidence, haha. Not that I'm trying to place any sort of meaning on it, besides maybe that I was meant to go back to all of these places to sort of finalize getting over her. Like... .if I can go back to these places and not have the thought of her bum me out than I'm officially over her.

About that new interest... .looks like she's no longer interested. At the end of our date she told me she wanted to hang out again before I go away, but she's been very distant, responds to my texts with just a couple words, and gave me an excuse to not hang out on the only free night I have before my trip and didn't suggest another night or anything. Nothing like getting freshly rejected by someone new to take your mind off of your ex, haha. She did show some red flags though, like talking about pretty private things with me before we even met, and wanting to meet a total stranger she met online at her apartment and then walk to a bar together for the first date. Seems like she doesn't really have boundaries. I was actually a little nervous that I was being catfished and would get mugged or something, haha.

Anyway, I think I'm going to be fine on this trip. If any memories get brought back I'm just going to try to smile and think back on the memory fondly as a good time from my past that's just that... .in the past.