BPDFamily.com

Just wanted to update on my divorce since it has been a while.

My uPBD wife and I separated in December 2014 and I have been struggling both emotionally and financially to get the divorce process officially started. I contacted a couple attorneys but didn't get paperwork actually filled out, filed, and returned to my attorney until just this week. Baby steps, right?

So, I broke NC in order to e-mail my soon-to-be ex wife to let her know that I officially filed for divorce and that she should be hearing from my attorney soon. I can't even begin to describe how much anxiety this is causing me but it had to be done.

Family and friends keep telling me how much better I will feel when this all said and done. And in some ways, sure, I'll feel better. But the decade of abuse and crazy-making I volunteered to be the victim of simply won't be undone by a court decree. I do desperately need this in my life though; something that says "this chapter of your life is decidedly done!"

Life is definitely calmer and far less stressful without my wife around but I do have rare moments where I find myself really missing her and feeling terribly lonely without her. Unfortunately today is one of those days. I suppose that's why I'm posting here. I've just never felt the actual emotion of being lonely so intensely before in my life. I guess that's what a co-dependent relationship will do to a person after long-time exposure.

Celibacy has been a life saver for me. That, and sobriety. I've had good days so far without her and I know that better days are still ahead of me. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Baby steps are good, ATL.

I think missing her is natural. I don't think it's wrong to conclude that we were only attracted to our partners due to our co-dependency, Rescuer traits (or whatever), and their BPD (or whatever). We're real people; so are they. It's natural to miss that which is separate from that which we don't miss.          

How does it matter if you broke this no contact? You'll still feel broken and hurt right?

Broken? No. If anything, I feel like the pieces of what used me are slowly fusing back together the longer I'm away from my wife. Hurt? Absolutely. The pain lets me know I'm still alive and that's a good thing.