BPDFamily.com

I have been in a relationship with a woman for 9 years. She was sexually abused as a girl. She was open about this and we often discussed her past. She had always had a poor self esteem and I tried to boost her often. She had told me she cut herself when she was younger. I never saw any self abuse for 9 years. She was beautiful to me, very kind. About a year ago she was promoted and the job was extremely demanding. In the last 7 months my mother was in and out of the hospital, her mother , sister, and brother in a homeless shelter, we had financial problems, her father went to a nursing home. She had problems at work and took a demotion. 3 months ago she left me with no warning. She said she loved me and wanted to work things out. We spent the last 3 months in a roller coaster ride. She would want me then reject me every other day. State things like she was broken, not desirable, fat ect. She stated that I did not deserve to be with a broken woman. Then in a few weeks she became verbally abusive stating I thought she was fat, un desirable, and that I abandoned her long ago and that I was with her so she could take care of my mother and that I settled for her. Then she started sending me Face Book pre fab images about hatred for men and just straight up negativity. When I tell her I love her - I am a verbal abuser. Now she disappears for a day at a time. Her son has been talking to me about her going missing. She did it last night. Says she is going fishing. We are still on again off again. Saw her Friday and we talked Saturday all day.

Hi JMB1970, 

Welcome aboard. 

It sounds like you have had a difficult 7 months.  I can imagine how stressful it must be coping with your mother's illness, financial problems, and ambivalent behavior from your partner. 

The inability to regulate emotions is at the center of BPD. People with BPD (pwBPD) have a difficult time controlling their emotions, due to an inherent high negative affectivity (experience of negative emotions such as anger, depression, frustration, etc.), high emotional sensitivity, and inherited impulse control.  Situational contexts and emotional stimuli have a significant effect on pwBPD.  Due to a propensity for high emotional sensitivity a pwBPD, when faced with something that triggers intense emotion-linked responses will react to emotional situations (highly stressful situations), through shutting down/dissociating, the inability to control their mood dependent behavior, have distorted thinking processes, avoiding emotional cues that trigger them, and a  lack of control of impulsive behaviors related to both positive and negative emotions.  Coping with the intense emotions is difficult for a pwBPD and they will engage in a variety of maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Self-esteem and self-worth are interrelated to emotional dysregulation.  PwBPD have low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth. The inner self-loathing many times is projected on to their partner.  They will show extreme anger, bitterness, sarcasm, or verbal outbursts when a partner is seen as 'neglectful, uncaring, rejecting, or abandoning.' The perception of abandonment/rejection many times prompts a pwBPD to reject their partner before their partner rejects them. It is a primitive defense mechanism with the rationale, that once the partner of the pwBPD realizes they are a 'bad' or 'evil' person, they will eventually reject/abandon them. In sense, a pwBPD becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when they push a partner away.

Learning about BPD really does help with making sense out of baffling behaviors. Also when you learn about the behaviors, you will find that the origin of the behaviors truly has nothing to do with you. Take a look at this article, that has helped me understand BPD.

BPD: What is it? How can I tell? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63511.0)

What specific things are you having the hardest time coping with?



maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as impulsive behavior, projection, avoidance,

JMB1970,

I want to join EaglesJuju in welcoming you.

I'm glad you have found us.  You seem like a caring and compassionate guy... .the relationship you describe sounds like it is worth saving!

It's going to be some work... .you have a lot to learn... .we will be here to help and support you.

Be aware... .you are going to be exposed to concepts that "won't seem right" to you... .especially in the beginning. 

For instance... .how could telling someone you love them... .ever be bad?


Look at the two lessons below... .and consider the question that I posed... .and the quote from you above.  Looking forward to you sharing your insights on a future post.


https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation


Hang in there! 

FF