BPDFamily.com

I have been giving a lot of thought to leaving my BPD partner this past few months which has only been strengthened after joining this forum. At this stage we are not bound together by property, marriage or children and I think if I don't make a break for it now I never will.

Unfortunately my strong will came undone last week. My partner has an 11 yr old child from a previous relationship whom he hardly gets to see and is worsened by the mothers mental condition as well. His daughter has come to stay with us for the holidays and it's added an entirely new level of complication to the timing of my decision. I know ultimately I have to make a choice for myself to leave but there are a child's feelings to consider now as well as she is very attached to me. We also had a small trip planned with 2 of our good friends which is coming up in 3 days. The friends are not aware of my partners BPD. My partner has now just pulled one of his regular "I'm not going now and you're not allowed to go either" the trip is already paid for and our friends have already made paid reservations for some of the activities etc. there's no way I want to bail on the holiday however my partner has threatened if I go I don't have a house to come back to along with some verbal abuse.

If I go it may give me the distance and distraction I need to pull myself out of this situation, however I will be coming back to a huge argument and a lot of stress and drama which will carry through to my work the next day. If I stay it's just him asserting his control over me once again and I lose out on time money and a trip with supportive friends but I will avoid the immediate conflict and can give me more time to make preparations to leave.

I'm stuck and not sure how to proceed. I'm also undecided whether to explain the BPD situation to our friends. As u know they can put on a very good front around people they're not overly close with and I'm not sure it's something they will understand.

So you have decided to leave the r/s, you have a booked vacation that you want to go on, your partner that you want to leave, has decided not to go... .which allows you to avoid that awkwardness of being on a trip with him.

You feel that this can give you some healthy, much needed breathing and thinking space?

The only thing holding you back is fear of him being abusive and controlling? (Which you also state that he will do if you stay) And wanting some time to make a thoughtful exit plan?

So what is your worse case scenario you would have to face if you do go?  Will you literally be locked out upon arrival or something similar?

And can you deal with that?

I still find it tricky talking to people about my ex and the issues we had.  Even though he was very high functioning... .the terms and dynamic make me appear a bit crazy sometimes.  What I learned is to use normal type language, spoon feed bits to see what others appear comfortable with and take my cues from them.  Sometimes though I just know I won't be understood and use some general statement and move on as I know I cannot get the validation I want.  Others here appear to have a variety of ways to handle this... .from outright calling the partner disordered, to just saying something brief like, "there were conflicts we couldn't resolve that were too important."

I feel your pain. I had a similar situation 2 weeks ago. We are supposed to go to pride parade. He changed his mind while my friends were sitting in my driveway "I'm not going and you're not either". I sent them away. Told him thata I needed to get out of the house and I didn't want to be miserable at home all day. I drove around on while then thought "scr*w it, I'm going alone" and grabbed the bus. He texted me about 6 hours later to ask where I was and cried and apologized. I did it because I wanted to go and it was important to me. But you are right, I never know who or what I am coming home too. Either way ya can't win. But at least I saw the parade... .Alone

Hi Sunfl0wer

Trust me when I say that everything you have just said is logical and my head agrees with it completely I'm just having trouble getting my heart on the same page as my head! I think my only fear is the conflict im so used to avoiding now and the fact that I know it's going to be a long night of it and I'll have to go to work the next morning acting normal. I'm also thinking worst case scenario I should just book a hotel and have an overnight bag ready for when I'm back but I hate that it has to come to that... .

Please don't assume I know the right thing for you to do.  I don't!

Heck, for all I know you can come home to a burnt down house and staying is better.

I'm wondering if you can actually plan for and face the worse case scenario... .

Then if you can manage to wrap your mind around that... .then decide with open eyes.

... .

I'm sorry it has come to that! It really sucks, is not what you planned and I understand there is so much involved and much struggle with this position you are in! It also must feel weird to go out on a vacation when you feel your r/s coming to a head.  I'm not suggesting this is simple... .I know it isn't at all.   

I know it's just their way of feeling in control but they don't realise they're damning the r/s in the process. If I just had a bit of freedom id be so much happier. I used to think that he would trust more with time but it's coming up 3 years and he's just pulling tighter on the reigns. I should have noticed the red flag at the start of the r/s. I had a close friends bday that I refused to miss but my partner refused to go so I walked out and went. Came home early cause I felt bad and he had gone and stayed the night at his ex gfs place then manipulated it to make it all my fault he went back to her. After that I always made excuses not to go to things and now it's a horrible cycle I can't get out of...

I know the feeling! He's also gotten so good at manipulating me on things where I have self doubt so even though I know what he's saying isn't true I start second guessing myself. Now I'm at the point where I feel if I start explaining everything he does, people might think I'm crazy or I'm the cause. It's so reassuring being on a website with people who understand!

  Oh gosh yeah!  Definitely good to not wonder if pple think I'm nuts... .as I actually was beginning to slowly slip down a path of nuts towards the end... .picking the fleas of and clearing the fog is great.