BPDFamily.com

I have only recently discovered this forum and indeed, the concept of BPD after discussing the problems I have with my sister with my own therapist, who suggested she may have it. After reading through the threads and articles here I believe she may. I have just had yet another argument with my sister and I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious and have a need to discuss it and I thought posting here may clarify my feelings and somebody may be able to help with the confusion I'm feeling as well. My sister has had "problems" for as long as I can remember. In her 20's, it was not so obvious. She was very beautiful, worked successfully as a model and although she was quick to anger and had volatile relationships with her own partners and my mum, it didnt seem that different from most people in their twenties. My other sister and I had difficulties with her, mainly due to the feeling she was always getting alot of attention within the family and dominating most gatherings and any organizing of family events. She would refuse to allow people to have other opinions of how things would be done and would subtly put down different ideas to hers as she was always the most fashionable, with intimate knowledge of the 'right" way. We always got the feeling she looked down on us slightly as we werent the high flying, fashionable people she would hang out with. We also found her slightly shallow and comically superficial with haughty behaviour, but she could also be very warm and loving, generous and charming to be around. What has been a constant feature is an emotional volatility where she could be charming one minute but incredibly angry the next. "Walking on eggshells" is the best way to describe the feeling of being with her. As we have all gotten older, things have become alot worse. This is due to the fact that for her, after modelling and then acting work has not been forthcoming as she's grown older and she is unqualified and refuses to entertain any ideas of getting a "normal" job ( she is only interested in doing something  she feels is fulfilling, such as writing a book, owning a big business or becoming self employed somehow ) she is starting to feel left behind by others. Although she has wanted a child for a long time now, she has been unable to maintain a relationship long enough and is now mourning the fact it probably wont happen ( she is 46 ), after living with a wealthy family for a long time in exchange for help around the house and babysitting she has very real fears for her future as she gets older and needs to support herself, and she is legitimately lonely. My sister and I are both married with children and homes of our own and I ofetn feel guilty for that too. My problem with my sister now is when when comes to see me, our conversation will invariably come around to whatever conflict she is having with others or her misery about her life or her ideas of how to fix it. It starts out ok, but I usually start feeling really annoyed with what I see as her self sabotaging behaviour, blaming others for her conflicts and unrealistic ideas about life in general. I know she just wants me to listen but its very hard to maintain listening emphatically when her conflicts involve people I love too, like my mum, or, during the most recent one, a friend of mine who has come into her orbit and who she blames for her last relationship breakdown ( not that it ever started but thats another story ). When I just nod and say "that must be terrible for you" everyhting is fine, but sometimes she annoys me so much i cant help but say what I really think, giving her a different perspective than her own, one that possibly doesnt blame the poeple involved. This is where it gets ugly and she becomes very angry with me, resulting in her walking off or hanging up on me. She acts like I have hurt her deeply and I  feel incredibly guilty and angry at the same time. After the last confrontation she sent me a text saying, "this is about you, you are perpetually mitigating everything I say ( she loves to use formal language ) You are always arguing my position, for once just listen to my feelings without trying to argue them". I know she is actually right about how i should respond, but why do I feel so incredibly angered myself over this response? Why do I feel so overwhelmed and confused and angry after talking with her? I feel completely manipulated by her and I cant really say why. Unfortunately after the last text she sent me I decided to just tell her what I really thought and I said i argued with her becasue she is always blaming everyone else and being a victim and her "feelings" have been dominating my life for as long as I can remember. She then said she "Fair enough, I wont bother you with what I am going through anymore ". This only angered me more as again, I felt guilt tripped and manipulated and I let off more steam saying she has been "going through" something for as long as I can remember and I'm over it. Of course, she was shocked and I feel bad, yet again. These encounters leave me reeling for days. I have now made mistakes at work, felt unable to let it go and am highly anxious myself. My husband finds these interactions with her affect his and my relationship too, as i take days to get over them. Can anyone relate? Do you think she sounds like a BPD? Im not sure what I am really asking for here, I just feel such a mixture of guilt, anger and worry myself I had to vent. I worry about how I may have hurt her and set her off on a path of sadness and all I really wish for is to be able to have a real, honest relationship with her and for her to be happy. I actually sometimes hate her for the emotional rollercoaster we are continually on.

Hello siblingofBPD,

"That must feel terrible for you," is a validating response. You're acknowledging her feelings. It elicits a positive response. However, her behaviors may drive you crazy, so it's understandable to fall into throwing out those truth statements.

She's emotionally limited, however. As much as your frustration is justified, she's going to fall back to those dysfunctional coping mechanisms which in her mind have served her well. This may be what you are dealing with:

Emotional Immaturity (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0;all)

Accepting that she is who she is may be hard. We can help support you in that. Communicating with her in more validating ways to help reduce conflict we can also help you with, siblingofBPD.

*welcome*

Turkish

Thankyou Turkish, I have read that thread and it does sound like my sister. I have used that response "that must feel terrible for you" and it does work, but I wonder, how long can I keep responding that way in a conversation before it gets strange and she wonders why i am not actually participating in it? I also feel like I am not being genuine responding in that way. Im not sure if I can keep it up when she gets in contact quite regularly to discuss her problems. The truth is, I just dont want to do it anymore. I find her so draining.

Validating can work in the short term to reduce conflict, but you also need to take care of yourself and realize that you're ultimately not responsible for her feelings. Have you seen the boundaries workshop? It's hard to break free from our perhaps enabling habits, albeit if we've done them unknowingly to cope.

I will have a look at that. I am not clear how to find a path between not creating more conflict with her without feeling like I am suppressing myself  and telling her what I think and hurting her  or creating more conflict.  I also wonder if she has BPD or if she is just a spoilt person who has been pandered to for too long! ( I think i do know the answer to that). Im quite angry with her right now which is not the best space to think about it rationally.

Sometimes its best to disengage, take a break. The downside may be triggering her possible abandonment fears, but you need to take care of yourself, too. I don't think it's wrong to give yourself a little space to reach some calm.

Wow.  You just described my sister. She is the baby of the family, beautiful, successful, surrounded by wealthy and powerful people, haughty, and uBPD.  Our conversations are generally about her.  She always has drama.  Her friends aren't loyal enough.  Her romantic partners end the relationship without an explanation.  I get a lot of lectures about how I'm not a good enough sister.  My mom passed away a year ago from an illness and my sister blames me for her death.  She rages at me via email, text message, voicemail and on Facebook.  These interactions leave me reeling for days, even though I know it's the mental illness talking.  It's incredubly difficult to deal with.  My life is much more peaceful when my sister isn't talking to me.  I don't know that I have any advice for you (my sister is so irrational we cannot have a normal conversatuon) but know that you are not alone.

It is nice to know someone else going through the same thing so healing girl if you ever want to vent you can do so here. Through reading this site and the book walking on eggshells I'm realising that I am really processing the fact my sister may actually be ill and it's quite heartbreaking knowing she may never get better. It also puts a different light on my feelings about myself as a child. I've always lived in her rather large shadow and it's now time to step away. I wish I'd u der stood all this al long time ago, I'm now 41! 

I think many of us here can relate to your frustrations. I think it would be hard to tell if she is BPD based on the post, but it definitely looks like she has poor coping skills, poor insight, and tends to be defensive which creates obstacles to true communication.

I have a uBPD older sister, and while my conflicts with her are different than those you have with yours, they are similar in that my sister also dominates familial interactions, puts down the ideas of others, and copes poorly with the changing tides of her life.

To answer some of your questions, I would venture a guess that you become angry with her responses ("for once just listen to my feelings without trying to argue" because they totally miss your intent. It seems like you do care about your sister and wish her a happy life, and can see where her perspective really limits her progression. You ARE listening to her feelings, your intention is NOT to argue, but instead to enlighten her to a more realistic and logical perspective. It's frustrating to have good intentions with a family member (who is supposed to understand your intentions and assume you have good ones in mind) and then have your caring words be twisted into something ugly and thrown back in your face. It seems like you can't say anything to clarify the situation - she has decided to be angry, so she will be angry. It's incredibly unjustified and unfair. It's also upsetting because while you are thinking about her, she seems to think of nobody but herself. She visits you in your home and dominates the topic of conversation, not asking about you and your life and your feelings. It's all about her. I have been there - it feels like you're not in a give-and-take relationship, which makes you want to turn away, which makes you feel guilty for wanting that, which makes you want to reach out and maybe make her understand, which makes her become defensive and hurtful. And so on. It can be emotionally exhausting.

I agree with Turkish. Sometimes it's best to disengage. In my case I have discovered there is no way for me to have my feelings or wants considered around my very self-centered sister. So I just let her be, disengage, and generically validate her feelings ("That must be hard," etc.) without getting my panties in a bunch. It is a more passive role, but also one that prevents my day from being ruined, especially when there is no way to "fix" her.

I can very much relate to your story. While our siblings share many of the same traits; ie: all about them, disregarding the opinions of others, (if you do not agree with my brother you are simply a "f*ck*ng *ssh*le" or some variation of that vulgar term, ) the inability to maintain romantic relationships, a sense of entitlement, etc; I can really understand your own feelings of sympathy, frustration, worry, and the overall  feeling of being completely drained.  It is impossible to address issue with a BPD from a point of common sense - or at least in my experience it has been.  I have long referred to the communication with my brother and mother as "crazy making" as more often then not I would leave their company reeling over what had just happened and replaying it over and over in my head to try to see how things had become to far removed from reality.

I wish I had some advice as how to proceed with your relationship with your sister, but having only started on this journey myself I have no suggestions.  I only wanted to tell you that you are not alone and I fully sympathize with the emotional turmoil this puts you through.