BPDFamily.com

Hello, this is my first thread here and I need a little advice.

I will give a quick recap of my history with my uBPDgf (you can skip this part and check the next post for the current situation)

-Met her 7 years ago at work, she was interested in me and I wasn't, she was persistent and I decided to give her a shot.

-Things hit off but I was not interested in a relationship at the moment and I let her know, she said we could be exclusives and I was very comfortable with that arrangement.

-After 6 months she was really into me but I had this feeling that something wasn't right, so I told her that we should stop seeing each other, I broke it off (it was very hard for her) and moved on.

-About 4 months after this she called me and I fell for it again (turns out she got a bf right after I left and then she got her preggers, forced her to have an abortion -or so she says- dumped her and he left the state).

-Fast forward 2 years later I'm still not feeling it so she leaves the country to study for 1 year, so she can forget about me.

-In the time she was gone I realized that I had been a selfish partner by not wanting to escalate to the next level, we kept in contact while she was gone through skype and about a month before she got back I really wanted her back. When she got here I said that I was very sorry for keeping her on the hook and that this time I had intentions of going to the next level.


So, after that we had a normal relationship, she was my girlfriend, later she met my mother and family. She was pushing to be engaged, but I had just started a business and had little money and I needed time to get on my feet and be able to be married with no economic issues (my parents always struggled with this, I didn't want this to happen to me), I explained this to her and she understood, but about 2 months later she said she needed the commitment NOW. I talked to friends and family and they all told me that I should give her the ring if I really wanted her in my life, so 16 months ago I proposed and she accepted.

About a month after we were engaged we somehow ended up having an argument about how she NEEDS our future children to be in a catholic school and be raised exactly like she was, I told her that we had discussed that before and that I didn't want our children to be on a religious school but that I would consider it. But she said that I had agreed to that which isn't true, also we discussed about how we would like to have them raised and that she NEEDED them to be raised exactly the way she wants it. We were discussing this and at one point she gets frustrated, goes back to her room and hands me the engagement ring :|. At this point I'm incredibly shocked, I didn't take the ring, just left it at the table and told her "I will think about this" and walked out. The next day we make things up and make clear our intentions on how to raise our kids, since we have different views we will negotiate things and find a middlepoint, we're both satisfied and continue our engagement.

Things went fine for a couple of months, but then she said that we need to set a date for the wedding, that she needs to have a date so she feels secure. I explain again that my business is starting to lift off but I need time to be stable and to give me some time to pay off my debt and then we will be able to plan according to our budget (because she wants a beautiful wedding). She again says she understands. One month later out of the blue she sits me down and demands to have a date, she says that she feels insecure because she doesn't know if we will get married or not, I explain to her that this is not a good moment economicaly for me, still very engulfed in trying to get my business to be healty so it will provide for us for the rest of our lifes because I don't want to be working a dead-end job and not have time for my future family and children, I want a good healty economic start. This time she doesn't understand and she needs a date right then and there basically giving me an ultimatum that we set up a date, at this point I'm baffled at how selfish she is by not understanding and telling me that if I don't set a date we're done, I remind her that she already told me that she wanted an engagement because she was insecure and that she's playing the "insecure" card again. Again I don't give her an answer and walk out the door.

I think about it for a day, ask my mom for advice and she says that she's not being reasonable, but I still decided that I should give her the benefit of the doubt once again. So I call her and tell her that if a having a wdding date will make her happy that she could pick any date she wanted, she's thrilled and we picked a date that was due in 10 months time. At this point I'm convinced that all her insecurities are gone and that we would have an awesome engagement and wedding... .Boy was I WRONG!.

Things are bumpy as usual, I caught her telling me lies about going to do grocery but she was actually going to have dinner with an old friend, I confronted her and at first she denied it but I had solid proof, so she admitted it and she said that she only wanted to talk to someone because she was insecure about our relationship. Things were never the same for me after that, I couldn't believe that she would lie to my face, I never lied to her and never have. Anyway I again decide to brush it off and give her the benefit of the doubt. Then on new years eve she did something that was very insulting to my mother, so we talk about it and she agrees that she will apologize for what she did the next day. I talk to my mom and tell her that she will get an apology in the morning, but my mom isn't buying it and brings up a lot of things that I was not seeing, all valid points.

So the next day I go talk to my gf, I tell her that I talked to my mom and that she brought up some points that I wanted to discuss. She starts her usual tricks: deny, change the subject, blame other people... .but my case was rock solid and I cornered her, so she goes to the good old trick... ."I did all of that because I'm scared!", so I ask her what she's scared of but she doesn't know. She ends up saying that she's always been scared since she was a child and that deep inside there's a void. We calmly discuss it and I tell her that she should have brought it out before and well her explanation is that she was scared of my reaction. I'm skeptical at this point but I tell her "Ok, we'll work this out, but this fear that you have is being very problematic, you lie and badmouth about me, you are deceitful and this is going to be a huge problem if we don't fix it" I tell her the recent examples of her bad behaviour and lies and she accepts to all her wrongdoings... .then after that she asks me if now that we have cleared things up if we should just continue, I tell her "We need to sort this out first, I will not break the engagement but we will pause the wedding until it's sorted out, as soon as you have healed this fear we will continue with the wedding". Well she was not happy, she totally flipped right then and there, a monster that I had never seen before came out, after an argument she tells me that she can't pause the wedding, that it would be very humiliating to tell her family and friends that the plans have been postponed and that she would rather break up than to pause our plans... .I try to convince her that it's better to fix things first so we can have a happy life... .she's not budging, my heart starts to sink and we stay in silent for about 15 minutes. At this point I have too many bad feelings and give her keys back, I don't know how I found the strenght for this but I managed to stand up and walk out the door.

So anyway, 7 months after we broke our engagement we've had about 6 recicles (i've lost count at this point).

I have tried many times to sort things out and fix our relationship but somehow she always ends up telling me things like "you should look for someone else that have the right traits for you, why are you wasting your time on me" which I find very hurtful. When we argue she's a brickwall, when she's cornered and I don't allow her to change the subject or the blame she goes into "nobody understands me" mode and wants to cuddle, whenever she has no arguments she goes to victim mode and asks me to hug her and tells me that she doesn't want to talk anymore.

One day she decided that she would swallow a lot of antidepressants and end it all, texts me about what she just did... .so I had to stop what I was doing and drove to her place and took her to emergency. I'm totally cold and distant with her all this time while driving and while she was having her stomach pumped but I was there the whole time. Few hours later the doctors say she's ok to go and I take her to her brother's home so they take care of her for the night. This was another game changer for me, resentment starts growing up in me.

The last recycle was 2 weeks ago, we split and we were messaging trying to find out what was wrong, but at one point she suddenly (this happened several times but I never saw the pattern) she flipped from being very angry at me to telling me that I should go there and kiss her, that we shouldn't talk about anything, just make things up and forget that anything bad happened. I tell her that we really need to find out why we keep braking up... .needless to say I came running back to her as usual.

Then 3 days ago we have an argument about the most stupid thing, at this point I'm aware that everytime that we talk when we're angry we end up breaking up, so I tell her that I want to sleep and I did. After I woke up she was still mad but I still had no idea on how to make my point without her going into victim mode and having the same argument over and over, so I keep quiet for about 90 minutes and so does she. Then she tells me that this is very uncomfortable and I respond with "I'm trying to find the words to sort this problem without having an argument"... .so she flips out again, tells me the good old "why are we wasting our time, you should find someone that is right for you", so I very calmly ask her why she's saying me that if I haven't given a single hint that I want to break up or that I don't want her in my life. She starts going from subject to subject but I want to make it clear why she keeps suggesting that I need a different person, and in a moment of clarity she said that she probably is projecting and that's why she keeps telling me that. So I asked her that she should think if she really wants to keep fighting for our relationship and make her clear that I'm perfectly willing to keep on working on our problems, but she stays silent and after a few minutes she says that her mind is blank, so I tell her that she should think about it and call me when she knows the answer.

Then she starts crying silently and I ask her why she's crying, she responds that it's because she feels lonely and that nobody understands her. I ask her why she says that no one understands herm I tell her "we just had a talk and you repeatedly said 'yes' when I asked you if that's what you meant throughout the conversation", I deep down feel that she's just using one of her defense mechanisms to avoid guilt and be the victim once again. I'm tired of going circles with the arguments and tell her that we would talk tomorrow and I go back home.

The next day she texts me about 1pm asking me why I haven't talked to her, I respond that I'm waiting for her answer of the question that I asked the day before (do you want to keep fighting for our relationship?) but she doesn't give me a direct answer. The following 2 days we only talk by text and she keeps going from extremely brutal and then asking me to go hug her, then to being very brutal again and on and on. This is very exhausting for me, the last texts she just keeps telling me to go lay in bed with her and make things up, but I know that in a week or two we will be in the exact same situation, I explain to her that this has happened time and time again these last months but she replies with "stop predicting the future" and then insisting in that she really needs to see me and can't live without me.

Sorry if I rambled too much in my posts, I'm still very tired and emotionally exhausted, this is the first time that I have turned down all the  "opportunities" to make things up, I know that we will be in the same situation the next week if we try to work it out, I would really love to just go there cuddle, make love and recicle... .but I feel like I'm losing myself in all of this and I deep down know that we can't work  :'(

Hey ponco, Welcome.  What makes you think your former GF has BPD?  LuckyJim

Ponco:

Your story makes my head spin.

1. How do you know she has BPD/

2. Are you happy with the ways she has been?

   if  you are not, then something has to change. Does she know her problem is ? Does she recognize that her problem is causing the drift in you?

   Is she willing to talk to a therapist ?

3. If she does not change by getting help from a professional, then you both will be doing the same things every 3 months - getting mad, breaking up, making up ... .

    Ask yourself and her a tough question - Are you both happy with the way things have been? if not, what must change and if things don't change, then you have to realize that you will not be ever happy and need to move on.

Fast forward... .

You're married. You have a child. You wife had BPD, then it appeared to go away, and then it came back... .

You sound very frustrated. What is going on at home?