BPDFamily.com

Hi

I have been seeing someone with BPD since last October. As I have read for others, the first few weeks were amazing but spiralled quickly out of control, like being with a different person. I have read so much and identify with all the misery, confusion and shame that others speak of. He is totally in control and I am struggling to get out. He has already ready told his family and workmates we are no longer together and says the same to me. No kisses on texts, no hugs, we sit apart. He is unkind and makes me cry a lot then gets angry with my tears and calls me sulky. However, we see each other all the time, go places together, stay overnight at each others homes, basically we are rarely apart. For instance, coming up is a car racing weekend, I overheard him on the phone to his father saying he had booked the hotel, he had never mentioned it to me. Eventually I said that I would like to go and he very offhand said "you can come if you want to"! I took a chance on an outburst and asked "would you have asked me to come with you"? and his reply was "well I booked a double room" Everything is like that now. He will lie next to me in bed and bring himself to orgasm as if I wasn't in the room, so demeaning and hurtful. The only time we have sex (amazing) is if we take speed or coke. I am so weak and depressed and hurt and lonely but I can't bring myself to stop it. I don't know what to do. Logic and intelligence tell me but I seem incapable. I have read that BPD are often unfaithful, is this true, I don't believe he has been yet but am sure if he did he would use the reason "well, we are not together anymore". Please help me somebody.

Sadly, I am so very sorry that you are going through all that with that guy. He obviously is a jerk, and, if I may be blunt, he is using you, because you want it to work. Your title post of him being faithful or not is well founded. He has been, is, or will be unfaithful. Frankly, he doesn't care or love you. Otherwise, he would not be treating you like he has been.

Under your circumstances, you need to ask yourself as to how much longer you want this to go on. I am by no stretch of the imagination any better, and I am asking myself the same question: do you want to be sad or happy? You will continue to be sad and frankly continue to be degraded by staying with him. You will be happy by either asserting yourself with him for your legitimate right in a relationship or to not be with him. No matter what you decide, we on this website care about you and obviously much more than that guy does. 

Hello Samuel, thank you so much for your reply, it is nice to feel less alone. I do know exactly what he is doing but there are times when I see his internal struggle. Sometimes I see he knows although obviously he would never admit it and I feel his pain but I need to feel mine more because this is the only thing that will help me walk away. I feel such shame that I have become so weak and pathetic. I also know he doesn't respect me, sees my weakness and sometimes goads me so that I will stand up and argue with him. Then he could release some more of the terrible confusion and anger inside himself. I won't do this anymore, not since I learnt about BPD and also because I can hardly bear the distress and mental trauma it causes me. His father who I have met several times is also troubled and G will often dicuss quite openly with me the terrible way his father acts and speaks to his sick mother and yet once when I asked, " why do you get angry with me because I cry when you speak to me like your dad does to your mum" he naturally went ballistic, "I am nothing like my father" etc etc. He split up from his long term partner last year and has an estranged 18 year old son who is severley disturbed and used to cut himself. He has blocked G from his phone and won't see him. There now, what a hopeless case I am, all I have just written is all about him! I love him and care so much about him and he is not a sh*t, he is ill, I fear for my sanity as I know there is only one end to all this, I just need to find the strength to walk away. How the hell do I do it? Sometimes I wish he would be unfaithful because I know then it would be the end. How pathetic is that, not even making it my choice?

You are not pathetic. You are human. You are sensitive. You are aware of what is going on there. You have your own needs which are being unfulfilled. He is insensitive. He is being cruel to you. The very fact that he has been doing things behind your back means that he probably is doing more things behind your back. You have been committed to this relationship, because you see some glimmers of hope for a relationship with him; however, he is not committed to be fully engaged in a relationship with you, because he is unable to do so.

I would suggest that if you have done so already, to seek a therapist in order to delve in your own needs. I too am seeking a therapist, because the inner turmoil that both you and I have is tremendous, and our BPDs cannot and frankly will not be sensitive, supportive, and loving.

Hey Sadly, Sorry to hear what you are going through.  From what you describe, he tells you (and his family) that the two of you are no longer a couple, yet you still hang out and spend nights together.  It sounds like a red flag to me.   red-flag  Have you thought about employing boundaries?  They are used to protect you and could be helpful, because it seems to me like you are allowing yourself to be treated poorly.  Just my 2 cents.

LuckyJim

Sadly,

You deserve better... .please don't allow him to make you think otherwise.

Yes, we love them - because we're capable of "loving"... .  but they aren't capable of "loving" anyone or anything back - it's sad but it's the truth. 

Give your love to someone who will cherish it and give you more than crumbs... .  He's the one with the problem - he can't be faithful to anyone - not even himself, so don't even let that get to you.  You've given him more than he deserves - if he can't appreciate it - trust me, there's someone out there who will.

Set him free, set yourself free... .if he comes back and is willing to work on getting better, then love him with everything you got.  For now, love yourself more... .

Be strong xx

You guys are all amazing. I wish I had found you before. I call myself Sadly cos I once sat on the beach watching the sea in the early hours of the morning and thought " how sadly I live my life" Maybe one day I will call myself somehing else? I did used to be such a happy contented person. I feel like I have been turned inside out and upside down now. Thank you all so much for your support. xxxx

Sadly, we all empathize with you, because you are us, and we are you. Along with taking care of yourself by seeing a therapist to delve with how to protect your beautiful self, I would like to suggest 2 other things. When you feel sad, think of the people on this website as your "virtual hug", if you will, the people who hug you from afar physically, but know exactly how you feel, that we support you 100%. Also, you mentioned about going to the ocean. Perhaps, it might be a good idea to go there again so that you can think about who you are and what you want to do along with knowing that you and the rest of us surround you with empathy and care! 

What lovely things to read and feel. I can feel the virtual hug whenever I want to.How lucky am I? and thats not something I have said or thought for a long time. I am going to organise therapy and I live just up the road from the ocean so visit regularly. I have always lived by water, it's as important to me as breathing. I think I have cried an ocean of tears myself recently, am so so tired. I read somewhere that crying defies scientific explanation. Tears are meant only to lubricate the eyes. There is no real reason for tear glands to over produce tears at the behest of emotion. I think we cry to release the animal parts of us without losing our humanity. I think I have a disorder too. There, I have said it. I have had a background of abuse from my grandfather since the age of 8 to 10. Told no-one until I got married at 16. I believed with all my silly little heart that it was for ever and told my husband. Several years later he used that information to keep my 2 sons, threatening to tell all my family. I lost my boys. Many years and several failed relationships later I became resigned to my life, quite happy and contented, only a handful of friends but always tried to be thoughtful and kind. The last 10 years I have been alone so you can imagine my joy when I met G. The intensity was overwhelming and I felt I had found someone I had been waiting for all my life. That it was a gift to me for all my past suffering. Once on holiday a man who had been sat near us came over and said "thank you for your happiness, thank you for your laughter, I mean this from here" and he touched his heart and went away. It was the most beautiful thing that I have ever heard. The shock and grief of discovering what I really have is overwhelming me. I know I am desperately clinging on but I do see the reality, I just need strength and I haven't got it right now. I take comfort from all of you and your thoughts and words and will never tire of thanking you. xxxx

Hello again, Sadly,  That kind of thing is nice to hear, I agree, but doesn't fully reflect the reality of living with a pwBPD.  My dentist once said something similar after driving by when my BPDxW and I were walking down the street.  Yet my dentist of course had no idea that, behind closed doors, my BPDxW was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  I guess what I'm saying is, don't be fooled by the impressions that a pwBPD makes on others, because the reality is often quite different.

LuckyJim

I know mate, and I am not fooled but I was then, I didn't know I was being fooled it was real. I knew nothing about BPD or anything like it, I was a novice, an innocent, even after everything life had chucked at me. What I am saying is the higher you go, the further and harder you fall, and the shock is blinding. Will I ever believe in anything or anyone again. I don't think so. I am up and down, positive and negative [more}, at this point I don't care if I live or die. It's just at the positive moments I turn to you people who have been there done (doing} it and are wearing the bloody t-shirt. Just had another evening of realising he don't give a sh*t. Hell am starting to sound like a Leonard Cohen lyric. Need to go and cry myself to sleep now. Night all.  xxx

I empathize with your feelings tremendously so, Sadly. I do suggest that because you have had the unfortunate experience of your BPD, that this one rotten apple does not have to ruin the entire apple cart. There are so many positive people out there in your town or city and on this website, for instance, who truly do care, who are understanding, who are loving, and who never even hurt a fly. I understand your feelings at this moment, but I hope your life perspective is not blemished, because you are alive, you are healthy, and there are others just like yourself. 

Hi Sadly,

I am sorry to hear about your plight. Welcome to the boards.

I did used to be such a happy contented person.

I really don't have much to say, but I do have a few questions: what is it going to take for you to do for yourself to get back to the person that you spoke of in the above quoted material? Would/could that person be in your current relationship? That's the person that you desire to be, yes?

Same here, Sadly.  Who knew?  I had never heard about BPD until I was almost 10 years into my marriage.  Tried as hard as I could for as long as I could, but had to bail out after 13 years in order to save myself.  I almost drowned in the toxic BPD soup.

LuckyJim

Thanks again for your strength. Do we ever go back to the person we were. I think probably not. I cannot imagine emerging from a BPD relationship the same as when you leap into it.We are supposed to be going to the stock car semifinals this weekend. Hotel, picnics, the whole business. Last night we went to the pub down the road and I saw G flirting and looking at the girl behind the bar the way he once looked at me. it's already been established that he likes her. My stomach was in knots my heart like a cold hard lump inside me. I was quiet and he asked why, I think he knew but I wasn't answering. Now, he has gone to work, I work from home and am sat here in floods of tears again. My sadness is swamping me. Common sense tells me, STOP now. Tell him tonight, no weekend away, no nothing ever again, leave, get out of my life STOP HURTING ME AND USING ME. Am I going to do that. All day I am going to be thinking I will, until he comes home! What the f*ck is wrong with me? Where is my pride? I feel so desperate. I love and hate. Am in such turmoil I can barely function. xxx

Ok, I have done it. This is the email I have just sent to G. I cannot be nasty in it, I speak the tuth, I don't feel good.

My dear Gxxxx,

I am sorry. I have changed my mind about this weekend. Well, about everything really. I have tried this just being friends stuff even though I knew I couldn't do it I tried, you know I have. No point going on with this. I admit to loving you and caring for you, couldn't not admit to it really, it would be obvious to a blind man. I still want to love you and hold you and kiss you and make you laugh but it is all so one sided and I can't deal with the pain and hurt it causes me every day. It's unhealthy.  I am just living on the periphery of your life. I hear about your family but no longer have the right to say give them my love. I hear you and your stories of FB stuff but no longer share it with you and regardless of what you think that was an accident the night I unfriended you. A drunken mistake that you will see my friend request was sent straight away, 2.am but whatever. I have been trying to let go of you since I came back from holiday. Ever since you asked me the question " did you take a lover" I was so shocked. It never occurred to me. I couldn't be less interested. Even in this not together anymore but still together relationship I would have never been unfaithful. Never never never. However it made me realise that we are not together at all really. We don't have that commitment to exclusivity. You are ready to move on and find someone else. As for me, after all those years alone, sometimes lonely but never in this sort of pain. No, never again for me. I cannot go to the pub as a "friend" and watch you fancying/ wanting whatever the word is someone else. I am not stupid Gxxxx. I see you. You know damn well why I was so quiet last night. My stomach was a huge knot and my heart was like stone. I could barely breathe let alone speak. I cannot watch you Gxxxx, I cannot eventually see you walk past my house with someone else. I am going to move very soon, can't quite afford it right now but will be gone as soon as I can manage it. I cannot go down the I have this stuff of yours either. Anything you have of mine, keep. Sell the chairs on eBay, you should make money on them. I love them but they are so tied up in my memories of our beginning I can't stand looking at them. Buy something for Aaron or spend it on his holiday with you.  I am so so so tired of being sad. No drama no fuss. I hurt, this is how I feel. You don't see it that way but that doesn't make it wrong or right, feeling are personal to an individual, no wrong or right. I will miss you unbearably and I wish you and all your family the very best from the whole of my heart.  Love  Me. Xx

Hi Sadly, I admire your courage.  Think you spoke from the heart.  You have taken the first step, which is the hardest.  There is a famous haiku about how the snail climbs Mt Fuji, "but slowly, slowly."  You are on a new journey, my friend.  LuckyJim

Thank you Luckyjim. I am currently in bits. Can barely see to type. My courage has fled. I don't know what to do with myself. I dont know how anyone can inflict so much pain on another human being. I dont know how a human being can allow it to happen to themselves. Right at this moment in time I wouldn't care if life left me. True true grief is a terrible thing. I am so lost. I just asked myself if I was wallowing in self pity. I am really not. The pain is physical. I'm scared.

The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  What can you do to treat yourself well?  How can you take good care of yourself?  Listen to your gut feelings.  Do some thinking from the neck down.  Take a long walk.  Listen to some music.  Pay attention to that quiet inner voice that is yours, and yours alone.  You get the idea . . .

LuckyJim

It sounds like there are problems with both the relationship and addiction. Are you seeing a therapist or dealing with the substance abuse? It's hard to make solid decisions with both issues in the mix. 

I only take the drugs with him about once every 8 weeks, when I guess the desperation to be close is overwhelming. I am not addicted to it. My drugs are coffee and nicotine. I am going to try and make an appointment with a therapist. Right now I can't get out of my house. This is the furthest I can get, my keyboard. I dont want to feel like this anymore.

That's a really good thought to follow through on... .there's that old saying, "Nothing changes until something changes." Doing something different is the first step.

Let us know how the meeting with your therapist goes!

Thank you.

Well that went well! Lasted all of two hours before I caved in. What a worthless useless pathetic piece of rubbish am I ? No wonder he takes the piss out of me. I believe thats another term for enabling. Sitting here, face and eyes red from bawling again. My life is one SILENT SCREAM. Nothing is getting through to me. All the knowledge I have now of his mental state. All the times I have read he can't change, we can never go back. Wasted on me. Everything is so hopeless.

Nothing is hopeless unless you say it is, sadly. Everything starts and ends with you.

What did you "cave in" to?

Going away for the weekend to the stock cars. Him staying at my house since then, still no affection, no love no kisses no touches,  actually last night after me saying something on the lines of how sad and humiliating it was meeting his friends, as if we were a couple cos thats how it seems, and he had had too much lager to drink he said give me a hug. First in a long time, and all I saw in his eyes was pity! How much lower can I sink?

Sadly, you're afraid that leaving will cause you more pain than you're in now - that's probably why you stay. It's why I stayed. And stayed, and stayed, and stayed. 4 years of pain, anxiety, stress - I am pretty sure I will look back on it as the worst 4 years of my life.

When we broke up?  Yes, more pain... .but now the pain is coming to an end. It's hard work, and it's terribly sad, but it's fading into the distance and I'm beginning to understand that there were wounds in ME that kept me in such a sad, unfulfilling r/s for so long. That's not on her, that's on ME.

Do you have a therapist?

How long since you left? Yes, I know you are right, there are deep wounds in me. Maybe this was supposed to happen, I don't know, but the pain is killing me day by day. I am so so very afraid. I haven't got one yet, I am barely struggling to get through work each day, just enough to keep my job but not for much longer if this carries on and a huge part of me doesn't care about that either. The only thing I seem to be good at right now is putting on a bright cheery face and running around like a blue assed fly after someone who clearly doesn't give a ___. See, hopeless, pathetic. I might as well just lie down and say wipe your feet on me, oh yes and give me a kick if you want. I am a disgusting useless excuse for a human being.

You are worthy of love, compassion, and respect! You only deserve the best! His toxic ways are his and not yours! Your hurt is real, and by having a therapist and by journaling can be helpful for you! Please do take care of yourself, please! 

Yes, there are deep wounds in you. This is not about him although it feels that way to you right now. It's about YOU and why you are stuck and why you think you deserve the kind of loveless treatment you're receiving and why you stay.

Every time I read your posts I wonder if there was someone in your childhood that treated you so poorly... .someone who made you feel like  a "disgusting useless excuse for a human being."  Because you're not, you know - but you're telling yourself you are, and that thought is coming from SOMEWHERE.


Yes, maybe there is something you are supposed to learn about YOURSELF through this interaction, and on the other side of that understanding could be a peaceful, pain free life where you are free to love someone who loves you in return; who treats you with compassion and love and respect. Isn't that an amazing possibility? It can be true if you decide to make it true; even though you're afraid there is life and hope at the other side of your fear if you take steps in that direction.

And I am a year post b/u, by the way.

Congratulations.   . Thank you and Samuel S   I am so tired now, I have to stop. xx

Hey Sadly, I suspect that, if you are like the old me, you think on some level that you deserve to be treated poorly.  Not so.  A big part of my recovery is learning to love and accept myself, just the way I am, which sounds easy but is actually a lot of work.  The goal is to get to the place where you care too much about yourself to allow yourself to remain in an abusive situation.  Before you get there, however, I suggest that you need to accept yourself, with all your flaws and shortcomings.  You're human, and so am I.  We've all made mistakes.  The idea is to grow from them.

LuckyJim

Well, its been two days now, am I ready to move to L3? I have discovered something that so far is working. Yes, it's not pleasant but if I can maintain it for long enough I hope it will be my passage out. I AM ANGRY with him. Really ANGRY.  He said something to me which took my breath away and I threw him out of my home. He has sent messages I have never had from him before. "I am sorry" " I am so so sorry" They do not touch me. Yes I cry every now and then but not much. Tonight I wrote notes to him on my phone. I will never send them but it made me feel better. This is what I wrote. I have to be cold and angry. I have to remain angry for now. I disintegrate if I am not angry. I can't allow myself to do that any more. You have made a fool out of me, mocked my feelings and p*ssed on my memories. Now I wish I didn't have any memories. I wish I had never met you. I am a nice person. I am a good, kind and gentle person. I know this and the people that love me know this. Deep down so do you. I am the person you first knew. You are fortunate to have been loved by me. I pity you. If anyone believes in god then please pray for me to stay strong. 

Anger, like all emotions, can have a positive purpose. Good for you! Stay angry if that's what you need to stay strong - it's a righteous anger. You deserve much, much better!

Thank you. Well, I have woken up this morning from a good nights sleep and you cannot imagine my relief to realise I feel exactly the same as when I went to bed. I know that deep inside me there is a huge knot of love and unhappiness but if my anger keeps me where I am for now and time passes then I will gain the strength to deal with that knot later.   

Exactly - there is work to do, but that's for later. Right now you need to keep yourself emotionally safe and distance yourself from his abusive behavior by whatever means necessary. Your anger is helping you do that.

Do you live with him?

Be aware, as you continue no contact, that you may experiences an "extinction burst" from him - I think you're already experiencing it.  It is where someone pulls out all the stops to remain in your life when you've decided that you've had enough - phone calls, texts, flowers, words you want to hear - it can take all forms.

Stay strong. You deserve love and compassion from a life partner.

And keep us updated about how you're doing. 

Hi

we don't live together and yet we do. Our homes are across the street from each other although I have to say we have spent a lot more time living in mine than his. It makes it very difficult not to see each other too. I rent my home whereas he has just recently bought his. I am now looking to move away but it is all so hard. I am still angry which is good but had a horrific burst of sadness when I saw his car and house when I came back from shopping just now. My little cat has been looking for him, they loved each other and she curls up in his seat. I am crying again right now and have that lost loneliness feeling again but I know I have to keep angry right now. I will get through this. I think he is/was sorry, he has shown that he can feel this but not in words before. However it wont take long for him to get angry or distant when I don't reply or respond. Strange how we always want to react, to see if they are suddenly cured of this illness, if a miracle has happened, when in reality it doesn't happen. It's that hope thing I guess? Another strange thing is that he can see when he has hurt me badly, not always but sometimes, and even though mostly he thinks its my own fault really I can see part of him acknowledges it's him. Then he looks at me with pity in his eyes, that's worse than anything to be pitied. All such a mess. xx

The process of moving WILL be hard for you, but it will remove the contant reminders - the "emotional triggers" - of seeing him across the street.  That would be a huge step forward for you.


Yes, it's referred to as "malignant hope" on these boards: a hope for the miraculous "cure", or the other side of the coin: the fear that if we exit the r/s our s/o will somehow be healthy and whole with their next romantic partner. We stay in emotionally abusive relationships because of these hopes and fears.

Malignant hope keeps us stuck. I know it kept me stuck. I kept focusing on all her 'potential' rather than the reality of the situation I was in. And the reality was that, due to her dissociative tendencies and her BPD, she was emotionally immature, a chronic liar, and repeatedly unfaithful.